The timely return of agony aunt Nurse Ratched

Hey, y’all.

I’ve been rather fixated with the weather recently, what with summer finally making its way to these delicate green shores of ours.  It’s the perfect time of year to invite my most hated relatives around for a BBQ; I just love watching them gradually become more and more sunburnt as they gorge recklessly on a mountain of half raw chicken and limp pasta salad.  Never let it be said that the sun ever fails to put a smile on my face.

Dear Nurse Ratched

Now that the warm weather has arrived, I’d like to buy some garden furniture so the family can eat outside.  However, my husband wants to keep the old stuff we’ve had for years. Can you help?

Deary, in times like this you need to ask yourself just one question: “What would a football hooligan do?” And the answer to that is “throw bricks and knives until he gets what he wants.”
I recommend buying a set of darts and fixing them to the underside of the garden table.  Look around in the charity shops first as they’ll be cheap and covered in rust if you’re lucky. When you get back home loosen the screws on the table and the whole lot will come crashing down on Hubby when he finally gets round to setting it all up!  If you manage to pierce an eyeball or two then not only will it serve as ample punishment for his miserly ways, it’ll also leave you in full control of any further decisions about the garden furniture.

If that doesn’t work you should kill yourself.

Dear Nurse Ratched

I was looking forward to several weeks of drunken BBQs but my girlfriend has suddenly decided she wants to be a vegetarian. What can I do to salvage my summer?

Oh dear, this is serious business. I once briefly flirted with vegetarianism until I realised what would happen to all those poor, defenceless animals if no-one was willing to chop their flesh up into nice little steaks and shove them under a grill – they’d be left to starve and rot in the fields all on their little lonesome.  Can you imagine the detrimental effect that would have on house prices?  I suggest you alert your girlfriend to these pitfalls by leading a herd of bulls into her house in the middle of the night. Once they’ve torn up her carpets, defecated in her kitchen, and farted in her underwear drawer she’ll be more than thankful for your timely educational intervention. If the opportunity arises I recommend holding her down so that she can be gored once or twice, just to be sure that the message is driven home.

If that doesn’t work you should kill yourself.

Eco agony aunt Frigid Twiglet is here

Hey, gang!  With all the wind and the rain that’s been battering the fair shores of the UK recently, I’ve been wondering if Armageddon isn’t just around the corner.  It honestly wouldn’t surprise me if we woke up to find Gaia herself knocking on our doors in the morning.

Of course, being such a clever eco-bod means that I’ve been able to thrive in the face of such adversity.  Using the recycled remains of my neighbour’s blown-down fence, I built a nice little windmill at the bottom of my garden. I’ve also got several gallons of reclaimed rainwater stored in some Tupperware containers and provided I can find some readily-harvested wheat, I should be able to make half a loaf of bread by the end of the year.  In terms of making good use of this freakish weather, the sky is quite literally the limit.

Dear Frigid Twiglet
All my friends are having fun with their iPhones and Androids, yet I have to make do with papyrus scrolls and bits of chalk. Is there any way I can join in with this smartphone-based fun, whilst still maintaining my eco-friendly credentials?

There certainly is! Remember, eco-friendliness is as much a mental state of being as it is about saving the planet from the parasitic nature of mankind. Close your eyes and picture just what ‘Android’ is all about. It represents machinery, petrol, technology, and people who liked to dress up as Darth Vader whilst they burn car tyres down by the river.

Close your eyes again and think about ‘Apple’. Apple is, essentially, nature in a nutshell.  I tested this myself once by leaving an apple outside in the garden. As it slowly withered away, a bird flew down to peck at it. A few moments later, a lurking cat pounced on the bird and killed it. Then a dog came and chased the cat away. The very next day that same dog crapped in my garden, so I tied it up and left it to rot just like I did with the apple.

Nature is cruel, but man is a bitch.

The return of Nurse Ratched

‘Sup, y’all?  Have you missed me?  I sure hope so, otherwise I’ll be spiking your talcum powder with anthrax.  I’ve been in a sporty mood recently, and decided to get myself involved with a local hockey club.  I don’t bother with the training sessions as I don’t like it when people tell me what to do, but the pain you can inflict on your opponents with those sticks is marvellous.

Dear Nurse Ratched

It’s been snowing recently and my husband refuses to get out there and clear the driveway, no matter how many times I ask him.  What should I do?

If you’re the type who likes getting their hands dirty, I’d recommend tying him to a chair and force feeding him some of the yellow snow that you always see outside Battersea Dog’s Home.  Failing that, get yourself on Ebay and bid on one of those landmines that the jihadists are always trying to sell.  Pop it into hubby’s coat pocket, and the next time he has to hold onto the fence to stop himself from slipping over on the ice, he’ll be blown to smithereens!  If that doesn’t work, you should kill yourself.

Dear Nurse Ratched

A boy at my school has bad breath, and he keeps talking to me.  I don’t want him talking to me, ‘cos of his smelly breath.  What should I do?

You need to teach this little scrote a lesson, that’s what.  I suggest buying some mints, and that you shove them in his gob when he is least expecting it.  Use a hammer if needs be, and make sure he reimburses you as there’s no need for you to be out of pocket when seeking justice.  Alternatively, you could stick a photo of him on an envelope, slide a lump of dog shit inside it and then send it to him by post.  Keep doing this until he gets the message, or moves house.  If that doesn’t work, you should kill yourself.

Agony Aunt Nurse Ratched

Hey there my little friends. I have been away for a few months; did you miss me? I damn well hope so or you’ll be getting a dog turd sandwich sent to you in the post. My daughter paid for me to have a Swedish massage the other week. The masseuse was a big, muscular guy so I asked him to do me hard. I could tell he was holding back on me so I asked him to do it even harder. It still wasn’t hard enough so I throttled him with the towel.

Dear Nurse Ratched

I have been having money troubles lately, and now the bank have written to me demanding that I pay back my loan or they will send the bailiffs round. What should I do?

Well deary, perhaps you should pay what you owe? You could always get a second job doing something useful like shoving iPhone owners in front of buses. But don’t you worry about those bailiffs, they are human just like you and me and their soft vulnerable flesh is just as susceptible to a well-placed rubber mallet as everyone else’s. I suggest moving to a house at the bottom of a cliff so you can roll huge boulders onto their big fat heads if they come and bother you. If that doesn’t work you should kill yourself.

Dear Nurse Ratched

Sometimes when I buy Satsumas from the greengrocer’s they are dry and full of annoying pips. I have tried talking to the owner but he says he can’t do anything. What should I do?

Perhaps you could try a less stressful fruit like a banana – with any luck you will slip over on the skin and smash your stupid head open on the floor. What I suggest you do is collect up all those nasty pips until you have a whole load of them. Then take them down to the greengrocers and toss them onto the floor so he slips on them, and as he lies there on the ground nursing a broken leg use a pencil to shove the pips into his ear. If that doesn’t work you should kill yourself.

Nurse Ratched returns

Hello, once again. These last few weeks have seen a rather severe cold snap hit the UK which means everyone has been turning their heating up to full strength. Me? I don’t need to waste money on that sort of thing as I get a nice, warm glow every time I remember that there are people slipping over on the icy pavements. I often sit there cackling with laughter for hours at a time meaning I save money by not having to turn the TV on either.

Dear Nurse Ratched

My iPhone screen has cracked but the people in the Apple store won’t repair it as I didn’t take out the extended warranty. What should I do?

First of all let’s be clear: every single person who works in an Apple shop is, without exception, a complete shit gibbon. Normally I would laugh at your plight but in this instance I’ll make an exception. Please note that I am not actually sympathising with you, I just hate Apple store employees more than I hate pathetic creatures like yourself. First of all, gather up some mud and put it in a display case. Then stand outside the Apple store and announce that you have some of Steve Job’s pre-cardiac arrest shoe scrapings. Make sure you record all of this as I want to hear the sound of bones snapping and vocal chords squealing when the inevitable stampede starts. This leaves you free to pop into the shop and acquire a brand new iPhone. Just for a laugh I suggest that you burn the place down as well. If that doesn’t work you should kill yourself.

Dear Nurse Ratched

In the office people keep using the same spoon for the sugar and the coffee, meaning the sugar bowl gets clogged up with bits of dried coffee all the time. What should I do?

Quite frankly the people who do that sort of thing should be flayed every single day for the rest of their miserable lives. Now, have you seen the film Die Hard with a Vengeance? The bad guy makes bombs by combining two chemicals that are explosive when mixed together, although I have no idea what they are or where you can get them from. Perhaps you could ask Bruce Willis as he seems the sort of level-headed chap who knows what’s what. He managed to dump that skinny Demi Moore wife-bitch of his so he’s no doubt an expert on this kind of thing. Replace the sugar and the coffee with these two chemicals, and the moment anyone tries to use the same spoon in each bowl the entire kitchen will be blown to smithereens. If that doesn’t work you should kill yourself.

Nurse Ratched New Year

Hey ho, people. Yes, it’s well past mid-January so the year isn’t new anymore but I have been away; been busy. A band of roving gypsies recently turned up on a village green and so I was called in to help get rid of them. It was a lovely little place actually and they invited me along to Sunday service at the church. One of the choir members ruined it by singing out of tune so I decided to burn the entire village down – the sound of their screaming was marvellous.

Dear Nurse Ratched

After gorging on cheesecake, beer, and cheese over the Xmas period, I put on a fair bit of weight. I have been trying to shift it and get back down to my normal size, but I am finding it difficult. What should I do?

First of all, you should utterly ashamed of yourself. I recommend sleeping outside in the garden for a week or so, preferably next to any rabidly aggressive ant colonies that may be in the vicinity. With regards to weight loss your arse is no doubt a heavy beast so I recommend sandpapering it down a bit. It will sting at first but it won’t be long before your body’s natural pain suppressant kicks in. If it doesn’t kick in then you will probably pass out and slip into a coma. If that doesn’t work you should kill yourself.

Dear Nurse Ratched

After gorging on cheesecake, beer and cheese over the Xmas period I put on a fair bit of weight. I have been trying to shift it and get back down to my normal size but I am finding it hard. What should I do?

Okay sonny, you’ve made me angry now. Did you think I wouldn’t notice this? Do you think I’m stupid? I hate queue jumpers, I hate gluttony, and I hate you. Although I hate everything by default but you have managed to actually piss me off. I will make sure your car never starts; your socks will always be odd, just like your face; your hair will always be on fire; dog shit will be a permanent feature on your doorstep and you will never, ever be able to use a hammer and nail without bludgeoning your fingers into a useless pulp. You should kill yourself.

Nurse Ratched in festive spirits

Good morning. Everyone keeps telling me that it is the season to be jolly and thankful and I agree completely. It was only yesterday that I gleefully watched as an elderly person slipped over on some ice. It is ample punishment for wearing such unsuitable shoes and hopefully they will learn a lesson or two. The replacement hip might be a bit pricey, mind.

Dear Nurse Ratched

I bought the turkey, the vegetables, and the gravy stock for Xmas dinner, but my husband has refused to help with the cooking. He won’t even peel the carrots! What should I do?

Xmas is a time for families so this is the perfect opportunity to humiliate your feral beast of a husband. Swap his sherry for a mixture of lemon juice, vinegar, and battery acid. Then introduce him to Aunt Geraldine, the self-righteous and heavily religious relative you see twice a decade. When his inevitable gurning and spluttering starts she will be offended at what she believes to be an attempt at flirtation; she will be spraying mace in his face and setting off her rape alarm within seconds. The police will take approximately ten minutes to arrive which gives her ample time to slice his testicles into a dozen little strips of ham. If that doesn’t work you should kill yourself.

Dear Nurse Ratched

Every year I drop hints to my husband that I want something nice, cute, or fun for Xmas, yet he only ever buys me pots and pans. One year, he even bought me a Zippo lighter despite the fact that I don’t smoke. What should I do?

We need to teach this awful, awful man a lesson. On Xmas morning make him breakfast in bed and coat each one of his cornflakes with ex-lax and smother his toast with Night Nurse. Lead him out into the garden under the pretence that you have a nice surprise present for him and then leave him in the shed. Within a few minutes he will fall into a deep slumber from which he won’t awake for days and he will be swimming in a quagmire of his own selfish shit the entire time. If that doesn’t work you should kill yourself.

Nurse Ratched returns

Sup, y’all? I popped to the hair salon the other day and Sandra, my usual stylist, was on holiday. Holiday? The cheek of it! I had to make do with some silly blonde girl who kept asking if I wanted highlights in my hair. This annoyed me so much that I slipped some bleach into the skinny little bitch’s tea when she wasn’t looking.

Dear Nurse Ratched

My husband never puts his dish in the dishwasher when he has finished using it. I keep reminding him, but he just puts it in the sink and leaves it for me to do for him. What should I do?

Your husband is an abysmal person who doesn’t deserve the use of his arms. I suggest going through the motions of cooking a spaghetti dish, but substitute the pasta for worms and the mince for kitty litter. You could also fracture the plate so that it falls apart on his lap and spills scalding hot food all over his legs. If that doesn’t work you should kill yourself.

Dear Nurse Ratched

My son won’t stop using bubble gum to blow bubbles and then let them burst all over his mouth. What should I do?

Your son is a monster. Soak his trainers in petrol whilst he is asleep and then wait for him to start blowing a bubble the next day. He won’t be able to see you, so nip in under the radar and set his shoes alight. Then, you could replace the bubble-gums themselves with blobs of quick-drying cement and watch with glee as he develops lockjaw and the panic on his face is something you will never forget… and neither will he for that matter. If that doesn’t work, you should kill yourself.

Nurse Ratched is harsh and unfair

I was in the supermarket the other day and found myself shocked and appalled at the amount of chocolate, sugar, and honey-based cereals on the shelves. No wonder the kids are so soft and spoilt these days, they’re full of nothing but Sugar Puffs and free ringtones.

Dear Nurse Ratched

Someone keeps kicking the piles of leaves that I sweep up outside my house. It takes me quite a while to make the path look all nice and tidy and then my work is ruined. What should I do?

Toughen yourself up and stop eating Sugar Puffs for breakfast would be my initial advice. You could put some heavy bricks under the leaves in the hope that the prankster breaks their foot. Spike the brick with some nails if you like and liberally apply rat poison to the tips to spice things up. If you don’t have any nails or poison handy, you could steal some dirty needles from the local homeless drug addict instead. Although stealing is a sin recreational drug users are nearly always ugly and I hate homeless people anyway. If that doesn’t work you should kill yourself.

Dear Nurse Ratched

One of my work colleagues never, ever offers to make me a cup of tea. I always offer him one when I go to the kitchen but he never returns the favour. What should I do?

Your colleague is a horrendous parasite but you sound quite, quite pathetic. Put superglue on the handle of his mug and smear washing up liquid around the inside of it. Wire up his chair and connect a small battery to the mug so that he gets an electric shock when he touches it. I don’t know much about electronics so you’ll have to ask the bearded man in a hardware shop about that side of things. Don’t stand too close to him though as he might be a pervert or a paedophile or an HIV positive transvestite with AIDs and a wooden leg. If that doesn’t work you should kill yourself.

Agony aunt Nurse Ratched

Good morning to you enfeebled lot. The other day I watched two magpies fighting over a piece of bread and it was a delight to see nature at work. The bigger bird won and rightfully claimed his prize once a got his breath back. Although I would normally applaud such a display of bravery I quickly became bored and set the cat on him for a laugh.

Dear Nurse Ratched

My husband keeps leaving the top of the toothpaste off. I have reminded him about this constantly but he doesn’t listen. What should I do?

Your husband is an atrocious human being and should be dealt with accordingly. I recommend swapping out the toothpaste with shaving foam to start with and then escalate up to super glue or battery acid as required. Perhaps write a warning on his forehead with permanent marker as he sleeps so he sees it when he looks in the mirror the next morning. If that doesn’t work you should kill yourself.

Dear Nurse Ratched

My shiny new car is attracting birds and other animals which means it gets dirty and scratched. My car was expensive so I can’t afford a proper cover for it. What should I do?

You are an atrocious human being who spends far too much money on vanity items and I recommend ten years’ service in the Foreign Legion as punishment for your feckless approach to personal finances. Failing that you could set up a dead zone of sorts above your car so that anything that sits on or flies above it dies instantly. Be sure you deactivate it when you want to wash the car and it might be an idea to email your local airport to warn them as well. Or not, I’ll leave that decision to you. If that doesn’t work you should kill yourself.