Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

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‘I want to be a battering ram when I grow up’ says billiards cue

Smashpool cue

An ambitious young billiards cue has spoken of his “Burning desire,” to quite literally “Be at the head of dawn raids all across the country. All you perps out there had better watch out ‘cos I might be smashing your back doors in soon. The moment that back-and-forward motion starts I get a rush of blood to the head. Ask anyone from around here, there ain’t no stopping me once I get going. I don’t even blink at the point of impact, I want to see the whites of your eyes.”

The cue, who currently resides in a pub in Walthamstow, said that he first got the idea “When a pirate version of Lord of the Rings was being shown on the TV in the bar. There was this bit where the ogres where using a massive log to smash a castle door down. It was so exciting watching as the battering ram worked his way right inside and was shouting at all the perps. He had definitely done it before, he was such a pro.”

Shot

The cue told us “I can’t wait to get out of this place as it’s full of scumbags. Once I just lying there on the beize, minding my own business, when someone threw up on me. I had only just had a fresh bit of chalk put on my head, it was humiliating. Sometimes I can still hear the screams of the pool table in my sleep and just thinking about it makes my skin crawl.”

“It wasn’t always like this. I remember when I first lived here, every night was an adventure. The boys would look me up and down and hold me towards the light to see how straight I was. I was full of confidence back then. They would stroke and caress me like I was their own.”

“Then they would let me headbutt the shit out of the cue ball all night. It was marvellous.”

‘Big balls ruined my life’ claims shot put enthusiast

Shotshotput

38-year old amateur athlete Bryan Richards has spoken out after realising that “Treating objects as if they are a heavy metal ball resting against my shoulder isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be. It’s given me a permanent crick in the neck and shifted my Adam’s apple all over the place. My social life is in tatters.”

“All those shot putters, they look so wily and strong and I wanted to be a part of it,” Bryan said. However, it turns out there is an unknown dark side to having such well-developed shoulders. “If I was on the phone, I would find myself involuntarily hurling it across the room. None of the mobile phone companies will sell me insurance any more.”

Smash

“I once had some friends round for dinner. I fried some eggs and couldn’t help but lob them into the frying pan from the other side of the kitchen. All the yolks ended up broken and full of bits of shell, it was a complete disaster. Afterwards we played that game where you pass an orange around under your neck – when it was my turn I squeezed too hard and covered everyone in juice. By the end of the evening the walls were covered in peel and pith, it was humiliating.”

Bryan’s fixation has even resulted in bannings from pet shops. “I was in Pets 4 U and picked up a little baby hedgehog. It started curling itself up into a ball and before I knew what I was doing, I had thrown it across the shop. It even burst a little girl’s balloon. She started crying and then I noticed my hands and neck were all scratched up.”

“It’s a good job I hadn’t picked up a porcupine.”

Wise-guy door handle claims to have seen it all

Gripdoor handle

A veteran door handle has boldly claimed that he has now seen everything that there is to see in the world. The brushed-steel accessory, constructed ten years ago in a now-defunct factory in Stanley, has spent the last five years acting as “A guardian angel to the premises. No-one gets in, or out, without going through me first and if I don’t like the look of you then yes, you will find me a little bit stiffer than I would usually be.”

The door handle claims to have peered into the very soul of humanity in his time. “I’ve seen all sorts. All them women who act all high and mighty in their posh frocks? They fiddle around pulling their knickers out of their arse just like the rest of us do and even the high up managers like to sniff their fingers after having a good old scratch round the testes. Just remember that the next time one of them tries to make out that their shit smells better than yours.”

Hold

Remembering his early days, he said “It was a good six months before I realised that there was another handle on the other side of the door.” He explains his naivety being down to “Just something I didn’t even think about. And why would I? I was just doing my job and not really paying attention to anyone else was doing.” Not usually being one for small-talk, he says “him on the other side of the gate has his way of doing business and I have mine.”

Although he disagrees with frivolous expensive beauty treatments in general, he admits to “Really liking it when the maintenance guy comes around once a month. Sometimes he’d take me apart and clean me right up with a squirt of fresh oil and discard any old screws that had started to slack off. Other times he’d just fiddle around with my loose wonky bits, which felt absolutely marvellous truth be told.”

“I guess it was kind of like an enema but without the hose and a drippy arse.”

Power walking champ gets stuck in wardrobe

Champhead sweatband

Three times world champion power walker John Davidson has somehow managed to get himself stuck inside his own bedroom wardrobe. The details surrounding the event are unclear but the 44-year old was last seen at his mother’s dinner table on Friday night after enjoying a slap-up meal consisting of Findus Crispy Pancakes, broccoli, and a gravy of undisclosed flavour. His mother, who was present during the entire meal, said “He finished his dinner as normal and then went upstairs. I had given him one of my pancakes as I wasn’t really hungry. They were the chicken and bacon ones, which are his favourite, and I was still a bit full from the corned beef roll I had for lunch. It made sense to let him have it rather than let good food go to waste.”

The alarm was first raised when his mother realised that he hadn’t come back downstairs after half an hour. “It was raspberry trifle for pudding and there is no way he would normally stay away for that long. I went upstairs to see if was alright when I heard a banging noise coming from his bedroom. It was then that I realised he was stuck inside his wardrobe. He must have taken a wrong turning by accident and I could hear him trying to walk around inside and he sounded delirious.”

Cramp

After an hour or so everything went silent inside the wardrobe and John’s worried mother called the fire brigade. Firefighter chief Andrew Barlow said “I can confirm that we received an emergency call out regarding a 44-year old male who had become trapped inside a bedroom wardrobe. We suspect that his condition is deteriorating due to the strong fumes from the mothballs and we’re are still awaiting a response from IKEA so we can determine their potency.”

The firefighters thought they had made a breakthrough when they managed to unscrew a mirror on the front of the wardrobe, but hopes were dashed when they realised that behind it lay another impenetrable wooden panel.

“He’s been in there for three days now and he still hasn’t had his trifle yet; I’m worried sick, I hate to see homemade food go to waste.”

George Lucas keen to dispel rumours that he is an anteater

ant eaterShock

George Lucas’ legal team was on a PR offensive last night when news leaked out that the multi-millionaire Star Wars franchise owner might be an anteater. A witness has claimed that she saw him acting strangely in a London restaurant at the weekend. “I was sat at my table when out of the corner of my eye I saw Lucas bend down and a long, thin tongue started protruding from his mouth. At first I thought it might just be a loose bit of spaghetti, but then it started moving around on the floor as if it was looking for some small insects.”

Restaurant owner Marvin Marv confirmed that his establishment were aware of the rumour and he wanted to reassure patrons that they don’t allow any animals in the dining area. When asked if it was true that Lucas had been seen scratching and grooming himself at his table, Marvin responded with “I cannot confirm or deny that at this time.”

Chew
Regular movie-goer Fran Rogers stated that it is a well-kept secret that something isn’t quite right with George Lucas. “For instance, have you ever seen him eat an apple? Or even a pear? If you look at the mouth of an anteater there’s no way something like that would fit in its snout, so it makes sense that Lucas wouldn’t try to eat one. And what about a satsuma? No way would an anteater be able to peel one of those.”

A spokesman for Rentokil stated that they received an emergency callout request from a London eatery at the weekend, but that they are still awaiting test results before being able to confirm anything. “I can state that we cordoned off an area once we discovered evidence of claw marks on the floor and on one of the tables.”

“We recovered a long thin ivory-coloured object that could be either a claw or a beansprout.”

Neighbourhood watch team leader retires

Watchfulspying

56-year old James Worthington has decided to retire after 25 years of diligent neighbourhood watching in his neighbourhood. He has described his time as a crime fighter as “The most exciting time of my life to date. Quite simply, nothing can compare to the things I have seen and experienced over the years. This one time I was up a ladder peering in at number 45 when I saw Mr Graham eating a toffee apple. Since when has a toffee apple been something you eat indoors? I found it most irregular and recorded it in my notebook as it wasn’t even Halloween.”

“When I knocked on his window to ask what the bloody hell he was playing at, he became very evasive and defensive. He claimed it was just a snack as he was hungry. I said to him ‘pull the other one mate, it’s got bells on it’. A standalone apple and a caramel chocolate bar would have made more economical sense. I never, ever got to the bottom of that particular mystery despite draining his fish pond and sleeping in his shed for a week.”

Safe

James’ crime fighting efforts put a strain on his marriage over the years that “Often left me sleeping downstairs on the sofa.” He said “When my good lady came back from the shops I would pore over the details of every receipt; if those sods at Tesco think they are outside of my zone of control then they have another think coming. I know how crafty they can be, sneaking an extra packet of Twiglets into your basket when you aren’t looking. They must think I was born yesterday.”

Local residents had been calling for him to retire for quite some time and it was an event last week that finally led to James calling it a day. “I saw the lad from down the road buy some barrier contraceptives from the chemist and my first assumption was that he might be using them as gloves to stop his fingerprints from showing up. When I got up on that ladder and peered into his room I couldn’t believe what I saw. It was disgusting!”

“I still need to check if his parents know that he’s courting.”

Small, yappy dog finally decides to shut the fuck up

Sausagesdaschund

A dachshund dog called Max has, after four years of excessive barking, finally decided to pack it in. The decisive moment came when he was standing next to the lion enclosure during an impromptu visit to the local zoo. “There I was, looking at the big cats whilst my owners ate some ice cream, when I noticed a lion approaching me from behind the glass. He didn’t look like much so I just stared at him and bared my molars for a bit. Then he opened his mouth and roared. I was so shocked that I almost shit my pitty-pants.”

Max went on to say “Now, normally I’m a barky type of guy. And hey, why not? If I saw a bin I’d bark at it, just because. Same with a lamppost, it’s just the way it is. My mother always told me that if something looks out of place, you should bark at it. If everything looks fine, bark anyway just in case as it’s better to be safe than sorry. Mark it and bark it as they say.”

Control

Max’s brush with death has prompted him to “Re-evaluate my priorities a bit.” He says “right after that lion got in my face, it got me thinking – is that how I look when I go on one of my barking escapades? Is that how people perceive me to be? Just a loud mouth? Do I want my kids growing up being scared of me? Uh-huh.”

“It kinda reminded me of that Monsters Inc. film. You know, where that big gay blue bear thing finally sees how much he scares children. I’ve seen that film maybe a dozen times but it’s only now that I see the wisdom behind that scene. Big blue guy, I respect you.”

“Talking of having kids, I wonder if the vet will let me have my testicles back.”

Lightbulb has no regrets as filament finally burns out

bulbIgnite

An incandescent light bulb has stated that, although he is sad that his life as a light-provider is now over, he is “More than happy with the life I led,” and is proud to say that he “Probably even managed to prevent a rape or two.” “This is a pretty rough area,” he explained. “Plenty of scumbags around just waiting for a prolonged period of darkness so that they can carry out their scumbaggery. Well, not on my watch they didn’t and I like to think that every lady who walked within my sphere of bulbousness felt safe the entire time.”

Describing the penultimate moment just before his filament finally fizzled out, he said that it was “Not as bad as I thought it would be though I could definitely feel it happening. There was a kind of a silence and then what sounded like a train coming towards me. You know that feeling you get when you’re about to burp? It was like that but with a few thousand volts of electricity running through your backside. And then that was it. It went all dark and I just stayed there wondering if I was going to get a gold watch or a certificate or something.”

Burnt

The bulb went on to say “Some people really don’t understand bulbs at all which surprises me. Once someone tried to unscrew me right after turning me off. I sat there the whole time thinking ‘don’t do it man, don’t be stupid’. All he had to do was go and check on something for a few minutes whilst I cooled down, but no, and his impatience earned him a nice set of burnt fingers as a result. You know what they say – more haste, less speed.”

Speaking about the new energy-saving lightbulbs that are swamping the marketplace, he said “Yeah, those new guys are definitely the future. Guys like me, we’re just dinosaurs now with our delicate little filament wobbling away every time we’re moved but the traditionalists will miss us. You can tell by the way they sometimes put us up by their ear and shake us to see if we’re still working – that’s an emotional bond right there. It’s sad, but there you go.”

“I just hope I get put into the correct recycling container this evening. No way do I want to end up with the paper waste.”

Queen Elizabeth turns down offer of yacht; would prefer vouchers instead

GroundedMichael Gove

Michael Gove, the British Secretary of State for Education, has had his offer of a yacht to the Queen embarrassingly thrown back in his face when she remarked “After bearing witness to the disaster in Italy, one has decided to holiday closer to home for the Diamond Jubilee.” A Buckingham Palace spokesman has also confirmed that the Queen is “Not at all interested in entertaining Mr Gove’s offer to act out his favourite scenes from the film Titanic.”

This is yet another blow to Michael Gove’s ambitions to be taken seriously after last week’s disastrous visit to a school where he mistook a lunch tray for an iPad. Sources say he picked the tray up and marvelled at the fact that “these things are so lightweight and portable these days.” Canteen staff looked on in amazement as he went on to ask “So how would I go about ordering a marmalade sandwich then?”

Confused

The list of gaffes committed by British governments towards the Royal Family has been growing ever since the 1983 incident when Margaret Thatcher told Princess Diana that “No, your bloody kids can’t have any free milk.” In 2005 Tony Blair famously asked Fergie “So, er, where do you get your wigs from? I’m going a bit thin on top these days so need some advice.”

Prince Philip has responded in typical fashion to the yacht offer by stating “Boats are a bloody load of shit,” and that a better gift would be “Some twat from the army to fly us around in a helicopter.”

“Gove looks like Spongebob Squarepants and always has an expression that suggests he is waiting for someone to feed him a dog turd.”

Veteran road painter’s shame as he runs out of paint

Mishaproad-lines

57-year old Gerald Markford told of his “Utmost shame and embarrassment,” when he realised that he had run out of paint whilst marking out a 3-mile stretch of road in Devon. The experienced road-worker, who was first employed by the local authority in 1958, said that he had been thinking about his niece’s Christening that was taking place at the weekend when “I looked down and realised that there weren’t any bleedin’ paint in the roller thing. I’d been walking for 300 yards, overalls and all, with not a drop of goodness coming out of my thinger no matter how hard I pulled and tugged on it.”

The road, which has since been repainted fully, was missing numerous important markings which “Could have caused a terrible accident if one of them wonky knocker-lorries had come busting down the road” like they sometimes does. They might have crashed into something big and spilt all them nice apples all over the place.” This would be particularly shocking as Gerald is “very fond of apples, ‘specially them fresh ones. My dear old Marjorie says that she likes to polish up a big red one until it looks like it’s going to burst its sweet goodness all over her face. Chance would be a fine thing, I says!”

Shaken

Gerald has promised to make sure that this never happens again by “Taking an extra tin pot with me, a practice that I had abandoned back when Saddam started the Gulf War. He was a terrible bugger he was. Scared me stiff whenever I thought of the things he could be doing to me if I was tied up in his chamber of dirty. Marjorie would have a fit if she knew about the things that go through my head sometimes.”

Speaking about his fear of being called up by the army and sent out to fight in the Iraqi desert, he said “If they captured me all I would ask was that they let me keep my overalls on. They are special to me, just you ask my Marjorie!”

“I got years of secrets hiding in the folds of them things.”

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