Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Tag Archives: Anthrax

The return of Nurse Ratched

nurse ratched‘Sup, y’all?  Have you missed me?  I sure hope so, otherwise I’ll be spiking your talcum powder with anthrax.  I’ve been in a sporty mood recently, and decided to get myself involved with a local hockey club.  I don’t bother with the training sessions as I don’t like it when people tell me what to do, but the pain you can inflict on your opponents with those sticks is marvellous.

Dear Nurse Ratched

It’s been snowing recently and my husband refuses to get out there and clear the driveway, no matter how many times I ask him.  What should I do?

If you’re the type who likes getting their hands dirty, I’d recommend tying him to a chair and force feeding him some of the yellow snow that you always see outside Battersea Dog’s Home.  Failing that, get yourself on Ebay and bid on one of those landmines that the jihadists are always trying to sell.  Pop it into hubby’s coat pocket, and the next time he has to hold onto the fence to stop himself from slipping over on the ice, he’ll be blown to smithereens!  If that doesn’t work, you should kill yourself.

Dear Nurse Ratched

A boy at my school has bad breath, and he keeps talking to me.  I don’t want him talking to me, ‘cos of his smelly breath.  What should I do?

You need to teach this little scrote a lesson, that’s what.  I suggest buying some mints, and that you shove them in his gob when he is least expecting it.  Use a hammer if needs be, and make sure he reimburses you as there’s no need for you to be out of pocket when seeking justice.  Alternatively, you could stick a photo of him on an envelope, slide a lump of dog shit inside it and then send it to him by post.  Keep doing this until he gets the message, or moves house.  If that doesn’t work, you should kill yourself.

My immortality serum is almost ready

ChemistryHello. My name is John Bubble and I am a chemistry chemical EXPERT. Ever since my 12th birthday, when I got a Johnson & Johnson chemistry set, my fate has been in my own hands. The moment I opened up the box I found myself captivated by the clammy feel of the fire-retardant test tubes and the smell of the rubber squeezy bit on the pipette, though the boner I got when I saw the bulge of the girl’s breasts on the front of the box was pretty good as well. Right there and then I knew that I was a mere GCSE exam away from being a full-blown genius. I told everyone in my class to call me Sir Anthrax but they misheard me and started calling me Stiff Anus instead.

After braving the dangers of iron filings and bicarbonate of soda for a few weeks, I decided to step things up a gear by getting some crushed Trebor Extra Strong Mints and shampoo. It wasn’t the baby-kind shampoo either so I had to wear the safety goggles in case I got some in my eye. Down at the bottom of my garden, wearing my goggles for safety, and Buzz Lightyear jumper for comfort, I mixed the two components together… and then I fled for safety and threw myself upon the ground in case something bad happened. An hour later I peered through my binoculars and was suddenly aware that I had turned the entire world black! SUCCESS! Then I realised I’d left the lens cap on and had climaxed somewhat prematurely again.

Now, on the cusp of my 14th birthday, I’m about to unleash my IMMORTALITY SERUM upon the world. Well, upon me anyway. Then I shall be rid of these teeth retainers that make me dribble and spit like my grandmother once and for all! I will have the hairiest chest and the largest Adam’s apple you will ever see! And Sexy Susan won’t dare laugh at my Yoda impressions ever again for she will be my wife. She doesn’t know it but I can sometimes see her bra through her blouse. But enough talking. Here we go… time to quaff the serum and take my rightful place in the world.

Ooooh, it tastes like chicken.

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