Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Tag Archives: rubber mallet

Agony Aunt Nurse Ratched

Hey thernurse ratchede my little friends. I have been away for a few months; did you miss me? I damn well hope so or you’ll be getting a dog turd sandwich sent to you in the post. My daughter paid for me to have a Swedish massage the other week. The masseuse was a big, muscular guy so I asked him to do me hard. I could tell he was holding back on me so I asked him to do it even harder. It still wasn’t hard enough so I throttled him with the towel.

Dear Nurse Ratched

I have been having money troubles lately, and now the bank have written to me demanding that I pay back my loan or they will send the bailiffs round. What should I do?

Well deary, perhaps you should pay what you owe? You could always get a second job doing something useful like shoving iPhone owners in front of buses. But don’t you worry about those bailiffs, they are human just like you and me and their soft vulnerable flesh is just as susceptible to a well-placed rubber mallet as everyone else’s. I suggest moving to a house at the bottom of a cliff so you can roll huge boulders onto their big fat heads if they come and bother you. If that doesn’t work you should kill yourself.

Dear Nurse Ratched

Sometimes when I buy Satsumas from the greengrocer’s they are dry and full of annoying pips. I have tried talking to the owner but he says he can’t do anything. What should I do?

Perhaps you could try a less stressful fruit like a banana – with any luck you will slip over on the skin and smash your stupid head open on the floor. What I suggest you do is collect up all those nasty pips until you have a whole load of them. Then take them down to the greengrocers and toss them onto the floor so he slips on them, and as he lies there on the ground nursing a broken leg use a pencil to shove the pips into his ear. If that doesn’t work you should kill yourself.

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