Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Category Archives: Agony Aunt

Nurse Ratched helps out

It’s me again, y’all. nurse ratchedHope you are keeping well and that you remember my name properly – Ratched. Not Ratchy, not Ratty, and certainly not Ratatouille. If I catch anyone using a nickname for me I will burn your house down and upload it to YouTube so your relatives can watch it.

Dear Nurse Ratched

The boy next door keeps on jumping over the garden fence and stealing the apples from my apple tree. His parents won’t stop him from doing it. What should I do?

You need to get tough and put some spikes on the fence so that he cuts his balls and rips himself a nice new arsehole next time he climbs over. You also have the option of injecting cyanide into the apples or maybe even somehow inserting ground glass into them. Don’t ask me how to make ground glass as I’m just a nurse and moral arbiter. If that doesn’t work you should kill yourself.

Dear Nurse Ratched

The person next to me at work keeps borrowing my stapler without asking. I have advised him that he should submit a stationery request form for his own stapler but he doesn’t listen. What should I do?

I recommend taking a car battery into work and using some electrodes to hook it up to the stapler so he gets an electric shock. You could also try modifying a cigarette lighter and putting it inside the stapler so that it sets fire to his hand and scars him for life. If you put super glue on it he won’t be able to let go and may even burn to death as a bonus. If that doesn’t work you should kill yourself.

Nurse Ratched dispences her wisdom and experience

Hey, Nurse Ratchnurse ratcheded here. So many of you have so many problems bothering you that I feel the need to help y’all out a bit, to put some steel in your bellies and some fire in your hearts. I once had a problem with a little dog doing doo-doos on my lawn and the silly old dear who owned him didn’t know how to put a stop to it. Eventually I caught the little twerp, put him in a sack, and threw him in a river: problem solved.

Dear Nurse Ratched

My son never tidies his room. I have tried offering him sweets as a reward and grounding him as a punishment, yet nothing works. What should I do?

First of all, you should put your son up for adoption and get your balls cut off. You clearly aren’t able to keep kids disciplined and he will no doubt grow up to be a Facebook addict who sits in his room smoking cigarettes all day. Try digging a hole in his bedroom floor and then covering it with a sheet and some toys. Hopefully he will fall through the hole and break some bones and learn to tidy his room in future. If that doesn’t work you should kill yourself.

Dear Nurse Ratched

I was short-changed in the local shop but because I didn’t realise until I got home, the owner won’t do anything. What should I do?

There are several things you can do. The easiest would be to bully someone else into giving you some money but you don’t seem the type to do that, what with being a big scared chicken and all. You could try kidnapping one of the owner’s children and demand a wedge of money from them. Finally, you could set fire to the shop and retrieve the change yourself from the ashes when the firemen have gone. If that doesn’t work you should kill yourself.

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