Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Tag Archives: mankind

Hulk Hogan reviews a chess piece

Hi there, guys!HulkHogan

The other day I was pooting around in the garden when I felt a sudden pain in my finger.  Thinking I’d caught a splinter I quickly fetched a pair of tweezers, only to discover that an entire pawn chess piece had somehow gotten itself lodged right under my nail!  How ’bout that for a strange occurrence, huh? I’ve no idea where it came from but seeing my favourite board game piece sure put a smile on my face.  Although the cute doggy from Monopoly is a funny little tyke and them tiddly winks from Tiddlywinks have a nice shade of colour to ’em, nothing beats the sheer round-headed honesty of a pawn.

‘Course, this leads me to wonder about the poor soul who, through no fault of his own, is now missing a vital component for one of mankind’s greatest games of strategy and wisdom; I just hope he don’t get too upset when he finds out. It kinda reminds me of that time last year when I bought a cheese sandwich – when I opened up the packet there was no sandwich inside, just cheese.

The great thing about pawns is how simple they are. They can take one step forward or one step to the side, nothing more, which is perfect for a chilled out go-slow kinda guy like myself. As anyone who’s fond of ice cream will know – and I love myself a bit of mint choc-chip – it’s no good tearing about the place like one of them sex-starved bishops or hopping around like them horsey pieces do, else you’re likely to spill it all over the place. That little diagonal move can come in ‘specially handy too, like when you need to jump out that way of a hungry dog or if someone isn’t watching where they’re goin’.

Well, I think that’s about it for now. If any of yous is missing a white pawn piece feel free to get in touch. Likewise, if anyone has stumbled upon a cheeseless sandwich then I’d love to hear from you.

Eco agony aunt Frigid Twiglet is here

eco flip flopsHey, gang!  With all the wind and the rain that’s been battering the fair shores of the UK recently, I’ve been wondering if Armageddon isn’t just around the corner.  It honestly wouldn’t surprise me if we woke up to find Gaia herself knocking on our doors in the morning.

Of course, being such a clever eco-bod means that I’ve been able to thrive in the face of such adversity.  Using the recycled remains of my neighbour’s blown-down fence, I built a nice little windmill at the bottom of my garden. I’ve also got several gallons of reclaimed rainwater stored in some Tupperware containers and provided I can find some readily-harvested wheat, I should be able to make half a loaf of bread by the end of the year.  In terms of making good use of this freakish weather, the sky is quite literally the limit.

Dear Frigid Twiglet
All my friends are having fun with their iPhones and Androids, yet I have to make do with papyrus scrolls and bits of chalk. Is there any way I can join in with this smartphone-based fun, whilst still maintaining my eco-friendly credentials?

There certainly is! Remember, eco-friendliness is as much a mental state of being as it is about saving the planet from the parasitic nature of mankind. Close your eyes and picture just what ‘Android’ is all about. It represents machinery, petrol, technology, and people who liked to dress up as Darth Vader whilst they burn car tyres down by the river.

Close your eyes again and think about ‘Apple’. Apple is, essentially, nature in a nutshell.  I tested this myself once by leaving an apple outside in the garden. As it slowly withered away, a bird flew down to peck at it. A few moments later, a lurking cat pounced on the bird and killed it. Then a dog came and chased the cat away. The very next day that same dog crapped in my garden, so I tied it up and left it to rot just like I did with the apple.

Nature is cruel, but man is a bitch.

%d bloggers like this: