Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.
Category Archives: Whatever
What ho, chums! I don’t know about anyone else, but I found election night to be a real smasher of an occasion. For weeks I’ve had pasty-faced yobbos and foreign-looking bounders chasing me all over the place, asking question after question, and for the life of me I can’t understand why these people think I’m interested in their appalling and depraved ways. Anyway, now that I’ve beaten them all off I can move onto sorting this country out once and for all. I’ve got just enough time to reply to one or two letters, before I dash off to shut down an orphanage that hasn’t paid this month’s electricity bill.
Dear Mr Cameron
I’ve been reading in the news that more and more people are having to resort to using food banks in order to feed their families. How are you planning on dealing with this?
An excellent question and one that I’ll answer directly. I completely agree that there’s far too many people relying on food banks these days, and we’re currently drafting up legislation to force these so-called ‘people of poverty’ to dig up the dead before being allowed access to one. No doubt some of them will complain about the high cost of pick axes and spades, but quite frankly anyone who isn’t willing to get down on their hands and knees to feed themselves is a lazy fiend.
Landowners, fret ye not, for we haven’t forgotten about you noble people – if any of these digging bounders are caught trespassing in your privatised graveyards, the legal aid cutbacks will mean no solicitor in the land will bother representing them in court. Both your topsoil and your rights are safe with me at the helm.
Dear Mr Cameron
Nick Clegg is an honourable man whom I feel sorry for. Do you happen to have an address that I can send a well-wishing card to?
Sorry, who? Is he a greengrocer? I’m afraid I don’t really get involved with such awful occupations.
People often say that Posh Spice, AKA Victoria Beckham, is nothing more than a clothes horse, which I think is unfair. If anything, she’s more like a giraffe.
Frank R, France.
Fool your neighbour into thinking he left the oven on by setting fire to his house when he’s out. The look on his face when he learns the truth will be priceless.
Geoff B, Worcs.
Is anyone else jealous of homeless people? It’s socially acceptable for them to get drunk during the day, and most of them seem to have a personal guide dog to help them across the busy roads.
Susan S, Surrey.
“The cat sat on the mat,” sang my five year old niece as she skipped around the garden. Yet I don’t even own a cat. It says a lot about modern society if children are being encouraged to tell such outrageous lies from a young age.
R Flops, Belgium.
Is anyone else worried about the ever-increasing encroachment of CCTV cameras on our lives? Last month I went to Disney Land Florida for the first time, yet when I arrived there was a map with a big arrow saying “You are here.” It’s the way they’re so blatant about it that scares me most.
S Patel, London.
Fool others into thinking you’re blind by randomly bumping into people and saying “Sorry, I’m blind” whilst wearing a pair of cheap sunglasses.
Terry W, Hull.
Banging two halves of an empty pistachio shell together is the perfect way to make people think that a herd of miniature horses are galloping up behind them.
Frank T, Bolton.
Of all the books I’ve written over the years, this one remains a strong favourite amongst both readers and myself.
For this particular book, I delved back into the realms of historical fiction. Set in the Warsaw Ghetto during World War II, it’s a story about the struggle for survival that the Jews had to endure every single day. At the hands of their Nazi tormentors they battled against starvation, disease, and deportations to concentration camps… until some of them decided to fight back.
As it is Holocaust Memorial Day, I’ve decided to make it available for free.
The book is available through these direct links:
You can get a taster for the book by scrolling down past the cover image and reading the post called Cattle.
Like any girl who is loved by her family, Abigail Nussbaum loves to chase butterflies, enjoys lying on her back looking for shapes in the clouds, and happily teaches young children to make daisy chains.
In the eyes of certain people, however, Abigail has committed a heinous crime. The year is 1940; the place is Poland; Abigail happens to be Jewish.
Along with half a million other Jews, Abigail and her family are evicted from their home and forced to live in the bombed out ruins of Warsaw, the Polish capital.
Although a handful decide to fight back, is the uprising strong enough to save Abigail’s spirit?
Although Abigail enjoyed train journeys, she hated it when there were busy crowds. The adults always towered high above her and their heavy overcoats wafted in front of her face, blocking out the light. She let out a sigh and wondered why no-one was talking.
After spotting a small gap, she squeezed into it to give herself some more room. The yellow badge that was pinned to her jacket ripped off and fell to the floor, causing someone above her to tut loudly; Abigail decided not to pick it up again.
She spotted a man in a smart uniform – surely, he must know where they were going.
“Excuse me,” she politely enquired. “Where are we going?”
The man’s expression was one of death. “Auschwitz,” he replied.
My new novel, Saying Goodbye to Warsaw, is due for release soon. Set in the Warsaw Ghetto during WWII, it is a story of tragedy and this is a little taster for what is to come.
This morning I woke up and went into the bathroom to brush my teeth like mummy always tells me to do. Last night she told me that I was a big boy so I decided it was time to use a big boy’s toothbrush rather than the Buzz Lightyear one I got for my birthday. I started brushing the way daddy taught me but for some reason it really hurted and my gums started bleeding. Then mummy came in and shouted at me for putting the toilet brush in my mouth and when I asked her why the toothpaste tasted all nutty she sent me to my room and I did a cry.
In the afternoon I decided to play a game where I pretended to be an animal living on a farm. I got some of daddy’s porridge oats and poured them into mummy’s handbag and put it round my head so that I had a nosebag like a horse does when the farmer feeds him but the bag got stuck and I couldn’t see so I tripped over a hosepipe and got tangled up and I thought a snake was attacking me. This almost made me do a cry but then I remembered that snakes don’t live on farms and everything was okay again apart from the bag that was still stuck on my head.
The other day I drawed a picture of some birdies and when I looked out the window there were birdies eating worms in the garden. I went out to show them my picture but I don’t think they liked it because they all flied away whenever I got near them. I put some bread on my head and stood as still as a statue but none of the birds wanted to be my friend and I did a cry which scared them away again.
Later on in the evening I went to play on my Nintendo but it wasn’t there and I did a cry because I thought the birdies had stolen it but then mummy said she moved it when she was tidying up and so everything was okay again.
FAO Gas companies: Inspire confidence in your services by sending free ‘bite size’ samples of your product through the post. People would be thrilled to receive a small canister that contained just enough gas to grill a slice of cheese on toast.
If you’re planning on throwing a surprise party for your dad on Father’s Day, be sure to check that the dozy old sod hasn’t made an impromptu visit to his own parents. I was stuck out on the porch for ages and the kissogram refused to give me a refund.
Geoff R, Cambs
An assortment of cheerleader pom-poms scattered around your garden are ideal for fooling people into believing that the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader team practice their dance routines in your garden.
FAO Phone companies: Inspire confidence in your services by making it practically impossible to locate a contact telephone number anywhere on your website.
Susan T, Paris
FAO dog owners: next time you scoop up some poop, don’t throw the bag away. Instead, use it as convenient stress ball for when the little bastard ignores your calls when it’s time to go home.
John G, Pets r Us
FAO sluts in the Grimbledon area: I recently split up with my girlfriend, so I’m looking for an easy ride just after payday. I’ll be in the Dog and Duck from 7pm on Saturday. The sheets will be clean and the fridge will have plenty of Toblerone if the ‘buy one, get one free’ offer is still running at the corner shop.
Graham J, Grimbledon Upon Sea
Yo peeps! Time for yet another serious post whereby I whore myself out and go all self-promotiony on you.
Right then. Just over a year ago, some of you may recall that I published a book called Shades of Grey. It was a collection of three short stories that was only available in smelly ebook form (Kindle, Nook, etc.) Well, I’m pleased to announce that it is finally available in PAPERBACK form! YES! Down with all this digital nonsense I say, and onwards with pulped trees and physically vulnerable mediums. Apart from WordPress, of course; blogging would be a right kerfuffle if was all done via papyrus scrolls. Papyrus shops are a bit thin on the ground here in Blighty.
Anyway, to celebrate this truly momentous occasion I’m giving away a whole five copies to anyone who fancies one. This giveaway is open to anyone, anywhere in the world… providing Amazon deliver to you, that is. This goes doubly so for people in America as they buy far FAR more of my books than any of my smelly fellow Brits do. In fact, my fellow Brits should count themselves lucky that I’m even allowing them to enter. You bloody Brits with your wonky NHS dentisted teeth, daft accents, and the obsession with driving fuel-efficient cars.
I tell you, if I ever get rich and famous from this writing lark, I’ll definitely go and live in the US for a while. I’ll be able to eat hot grits for breakfast and have melted cheese on everything without anyone batting an eyelid. I won’t be going anywhere near their chocolate though, that really is ghastly stuff.
So, all you have to do is leave an email address in a comment below and I’ll contact you for your real address if you’re a winner.
For those that don’t believe I actually went ahead with this, it’s listed here on Amazon UK and here on Amazon US. For those that still don’t believe me, here is a picture of the aforementioned paperbacks on my bed. And yes, I did gather them up and cuddle them afterwards.
PS – although it shares a similar name, Shades of Grey has nothing to do with that erotic grot written by EL James.
PPS – for those wanting to know, I’m hard at work on another book. I decided to dip back into historical fiction again, and it’s a story set in the Warsaw Ghetto during WWII.
John is not a very nice man. He works for the government. So who has tied him to a chair and what do they want?
James is a British soldier during WWII. Tom is a young boy with a terrible secret.
Three stories. Three very different people. All of them battling to survive.
The other morning I woke up and saw that it was sunny outside so I thought summer had arrived but then I did a sneeze which made me feel all cold so mummy told me to put a jumper on. I went out into the garden to play on my big blue slide but there was a pigeon on it and I had to wait until he flew away. I once heard daddy say that pigeons are like flying rats and I don’t like rats because I heard they eat children and live in the sewers with all the poo. I hope there isn’t any poo on my slide because mummy would shout at me if my trousers got dirty and I sometimes do a cry when she shouts.
When it was time for lunch mummy asked me if I wanted the alphabet or the dinosaur spaghetti shapes and straight away I chose the dinosaurs. I like dinosaurs because they are big and strong and can go to bed whenever they want to. Afterwards I did a big windy-pop that smelled like pickled onions and lemonade. Mummy asked if it was me who did it and I said that it was and then she asked if I was sorry and I said that I was and then she told me not to do it again so I didn’t.
I went outside on my bike and rode around in a circle really fast. I started to get really dizzy and then I fell off and hurt my knee so mummy came out and kissed it better and put a plaster on it. I went on my bike again but this time went round the other way and I got dizzy again and fell over and hurt my other knee. Mummy came out and shouted at me and wouldn’t kiss it better but she put a plaster on it and said it will get better by itself. I hope my unkissed knee does get better because if it fell off it would be really hard for the doctors to put it back on again.
If I was a dinosaur I would be a four-legged dinosaur because they can’t fall over and hurt their knees although I don’t think they can ride bikes either.
Has anyone else noticed how hippos are like old people? They’re constantly smiling, don’t seem to have many teeth, and it wouldn’t surprise me if they were prone to pissing themselves after getting lost in the supermarket.
Frazzle R, Bolton
I once put my microwave on for three hours, the highest setting I can put the timer to, just to see what would happen. Five minutes before the end there was a power cut along my road, so I never found out.
John W, Lancs
A candle is the ideal ornament for fooling guests into thinking that you’ve got a pet rabbit, provided that it is brown, shaped like a rabbit, and surrounded by half-eaten carrot ends.
Bob L, Woolton
Alcoholics: Remember that you go to the bar for a drink, and the urinal when you need a piss, rather than the other way round.
Jack D, US
Last week whilst cutting my toenails, I suddenly thought of the song It’s the End of the World as We Know It by REM. Five minutes later, next door’s cat was hit by a car. Has anyone else suffered a near-miss premonition of Armageddon like that?
I recently learnt that DVD stands for Digital Versatile Disc. That’s all well and good, but if you snap one in half you are left with sharp pieces of plastic lying around. There’s a fine line between versatile and dangerous, and these guys crossed that line years ago.
Talking of near-misses, a bee flew right into my face whilst I was relaxing in the garden the other day. Thank heavens I wasn’t a pilot trying to land a passenger-laden Boeing 767 airliner at the time.
At last! It’s here! It’s finished! My latest book is now occupying the digital shelves of an online shop somewhere near you. And by jove, would it be thrilled to have your mouse pointer tickling under its nose.
All those months of head scratching, typing, formatting, the endless rounds of editing and begging people to help me with the proof reading… I’m sick of the sight of the damned thing. But it’s finished! WOWZERS.
And I’ll be starting a new one soon…
This particular story is centred around a teenage boy called Jake, and it’s all about the teenage insecurities that are bouncing around his head as he battles from one day to the next. There’s drama, there’s jealousy, there’s shouting, there’s tragedy, there’s… well, you’ll just have to see for yourself.
I’d like to thank OCD Reader, Weichu, and Louise Savage for their gracious help during the editing stages. Their delicate beady eyes spotted what my tired puffy ones could not.
If you’re willing to write a short review of the book on somewhere like Amazon, Facebook, Goodreads, or your blog then you can grab yourself a free copy from Smashwords using this code – JU97J
Jealousy, lust, and teenage insecurities are the lifeblood of any large school.
Loneliness can strike without warning, spreading through the cramped corridors like an epidemic.
Out on the playground, rivalries are formed from the pettiest of incidents.
Some people look at Jake in awe, others look at him with hatred.
Jake is just an ordinary boy who wants to be liked.
Jake wants to know why the girls never seem to notice him.
Jake is… well, he’s Jake.