Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Nurse Ratched returns

Hello, nurse ratchedonce again. These last few weeks have seen a rather severe cold snap hit the UK which means everyone has been turning their heating up to full strength. Me? I don’t need to waste money on that sort of thing as I get a nice, warm glow every time I remember that there are people slipping over on the icy pavements. I often sit there cackling with laughter for hours at a time meaning I save money by not having to turn the TV on either.

Dear Nurse Ratched

My iPhone screen has cracked but the people in the Apple store won’t repair it as I didn’t take out the extended warranty. What should I do?

First of all let’s be clear: every single person who works in an Apple shop is, without exception, a complete shit gibbon. Normally I would laugh at your plight but in this instance I’ll make an exception. Please note that I am not actually sympathising with you, I just hate Apple store employees more than I hate pathetic creatures like yourself. First of all, gather up some mud and put it in a display case. Then stand outside the Apple store and announce that you have some of Steve Job’s pre-cardiac arrest shoe scrapings. Make sure you record all of this as I want to hear the sound of bones snapping and vocal chords squealing when the inevitable stampede starts. This leaves you free to pop into the shop and acquire a brand new iPhone. Just for a laugh I suggest that you burn the place down as well. If that doesn’t work you should kill yourself.

Dear Nurse Ratched

In the office people keep using the same spoon for the sugar and the coffee, meaning the sugar bowl gets clogged up with bits of dried coffee all the time. What should I do?

Quite frankly the people who do that sort of thing should be flayed every single day for the rest of their miserable lives. Now, have you seen the film Die Hard with a Vengeance? The bad guy makes bombs by combining two chemicals that are explosive when mixed together, although I have no idea what they are or where you can get them from. Perhaps you could ask Bruce Willis as he seems the sort of level-headed chap who knows what’s what. He managed to dump that skinny Demi Moore wife-bitch of his so he’s no doubt an expert on this kind of thing. Replace the sugar and the coffee with these two chemicals, and the moment anyone tries to use the same spoon in each bowl the entire kitchen will be blown to smithereens. If that doesn’t work you should kill yourself.

20 responses to “Nurse Ratched returns

  1. kickingsport 02/19/2012 at 10:46 AM

    Dear nurse Ratched, all I can say is thank you for being my mentor in my endless struggle against the shit gibbons.

  2. Lisa 02/19/2012 at 2:07 PM

    I’m just wondering if Nurse Ratched is available for Christenings, Weddings, and Bar Mitzvahs?

  3. No Blog Intended 02/19/2012 at 5:35 PM

    That second solution is my favourite. Blow it up and return contently.

  4. Addie 02/19/2012 at 6:50 PM

    Shit gibbons?? Oh, that was brilliant. Just brilliant.

  5. Little Miss 02/19/2012 at 6:55 PM

    I’m liking the sugar solution!

  6. mooselicker 02/19/2012 at 7:13 PM

    Nurse Ratched’s soft spot seems to be Die Hard 3. I think we’ve made a break through.

  7. jell jell @ I'll Sleep When They're Grown 02/20/2012 at 1:02 AM

    One of my best friends played Nurse Ratched for my high school’s production of OFOTCN. She was sassy, but no where near as wretched as your Ratched. But maybe because I was rooting for her, so I couldn’t see her seething hatred. That can make things confusing.

  8. Lily 02/20/2012 at 5:17 AM

    I share Nurse Ratched’s feelings about Apple. I feel like she gets me.

  9. helloitsgemma 02/20/2012 at 1:36 PM

    am afraid I love the apple shop and the super keen geeks in red t’shirts. However, the fact that it is so crowded with people clamouring to buy anything (even shoe scrapings) renders it incredible stressful and I have overwhelming urge to start kicking the customers. Never the staff, they are too nice. They do tend to a higher than average number of piercings which suggests to me they might not mind me kicking them. But I wouldn’t they are too helpful. As for the coffee in the sugar thing – oh yes! unforgivable – like the worst sin, worse than sleeping with your sister.

  10. Pete Howorth 02/21/2012 at 2:19 AM

    SHIT GIBBON! I’m using that tomorrow! I don’t know how but I’ll definitely work it into a conversation somehow!

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