Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Tag Archives: vegetarian

The timely return of agony aunt Nurse Ratched

nurse ratchedHey, y’all.

I’ve been rather fixated with the weather recently, what with summer finally making its way to these delicate green shores of ours.  It’s the perfect time of year to invite my most hated relatives around for a BBQ; I just love watching them gradually become more and more sunburnt as they gorge recklessly on a mountain of half raw chicken and limp pasta salad.  Never let it be said that the sun ever fails to put a smile on my face.

Dear Nurse Ratched

Now that the warm weather has arrived, I’d like to buy some garden furniture so the family can eat outside.  However, my husband wants to keep the old stuff we’ve had for years. Can you help?

Deary, in times like this you need to ask yourself just one question: “What would a football hooligan do?” And the answer to that is “throw bricks and knives until he gets what he wants.”
I recommend buying a set of darts and fixing them to the underside of the garden table.  Look around in the charity shops first as they’ll be cheap and covered in rust if you’re lucky. When you get back home loosen the screws on the table and the whole lot will come crashing down on Hubby when he finally gets round to setting it all up!  If you manage to pierce an eyeball or two then not only will it serve as ample punishment for his miserly ways, it’ll also leave you in full control of any further decisions about the garden furniture.

If that doesn’t work you should kill yourself.

Dear Nurse Ratched

I was looking forward to several weeks of drunken BBQs but my girlfriend has suddenly decided she wants to be a vegetarian. What can I do to salvage my summer?

Oh dear, this is serious business. I once briefly flirted with vegetarianism until I realised what would happen to all those poor, defenceless animals if no-one was willing to chop their flesh up into nice little steaks and shove them under a grill – they’d be left to starve and rot in the fields all on their little lonesome.  Can you imagine the detrimental effect that would have on house prices?  I suggest you alert your girlfriend to these pitfalls by leading a herd of bulls into her house in the middle of the night. Once they’ve torn up her carpets, defecated in her kitchen, and farted in her underwear drawer she’ll be more than thankful for your timely educational intervention. If the opportunity arises I recommend holding her down so that she can be gored once or twice, just to be sure that the message is driven home.

If that doesn’t work you should kill yourself.

Vegetarians are the real hunters

daffodilHello, my name is George and I have been a vegetarian since 2005. Although I was born in 1982, I consider the era before my conversion to be a sort of pre-life. All that time I was gorging on roast beef and bacon sandwiches, I now see that I was nothing more than a caterpillar waiting to turn into a butterfly and thanks to my new-found way of life, I believe that I have the potential to be immortal. In fact, I can do pretty much anything that I put my mind to. If I’m ever confronted with a challenge I will meditate by way of consuming a juicy bag of Spinach ‘n’ Lettuce Crunch Mix from my local supermarket.

My favourite vegetable is carrot. Come mealtime I will carefully browse my selection of orange prey before striking decisively when the time is right; the carrot has no chance of getting away, such is my prowess. I then get a knife – the bigger the better – and chop off the carrot’s head in a single strike, rendering it utterly helpless. I then begin to peel it slowly but surely, so I can saviour the moment and as the skin gradually falls away, I begin to salivate as the glistening flesh is exposed. Sometimes I can even feel the carrot struggling within my grasp which merely serves to add to my excitement.

I will then leave the exposed carrot on the side for a while. Most of the time I will over-peel one side to stop it from rolling off and running off to warn the others. The temperature of the room provides ample heat for the meat to be ‘sealed’, a process that only takes a couple of minutes – any longer than that and it will be overcooked and ruined. Some people like their food well-done but I despise such nonsense from barbarians who want every meal to be like a damn BBQ.

The other day someone asked me what the greatest moment in vegetable history is. Without a doubt it would have to be the time when, in 1582, a potato first discovered Sir Walter Raleigh and persuaded him to take his family back to England.

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