Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Tag Archives: nurse ratched

Agony Aunt Nurse Ratched

Hey thernurse ratchede my little friends. I have been away for a few months; did you miss me? I damn well hope so or you’ll be getting a dog turd sandwich sent to you in the post. My daughter paid for me to have a Swedish massage the other week. The masseuse was a big, muscular guy so I asked him to do me hard. I could tell he was holding back on me so I asked him to do it even harder. It still wasn’t hard enough so I throttled him with the towel.

Dear Nurse Ratched

I have been having money troubles lately, and now the bank have written to me demanding that I pay back my loan or they will send the bailiffs round. What should I do?

Well deary, perhaps you should pay what you owe? You could always get a second job doing something useful like shoving iPhone owners in front of buses. But don’t you worry about those bailiffs, they are human just like you and me and their soft vulnerable flesh is just as susceptible to a well-placed rubber mallet as everyone else’s. I suggest moving to a house at the bottom of a cliff so you can roll huge boulders onto their big fat heads if they come and bother you. If that doesn’t work you should kill yourself.

Dear Nurse Ratched

Sometimes when I buy Satsumas from the greengrocer’s they are dry and full of annoying pips. I have tried talking to the owner but he says he can’t do anything. What should I do?

Perhaps you could try a less stressful fruit like a banana – with any luck you will slip over on the skin and smash your stupid head open on the floor. What I suggest you do is collect up all those nasty pips until you have a whole load of them. Then take them down to the greengrocers and toss them onto the floor so he slips on them, and as he lies there on the ground nursing a broken leg use a pencil to shove the pips into his ear. If that doesn’t work you should kill yourself.

Nurse Ratched returns

Hello, nurse ratchedonce again. These last few weeks have seen a rather severe cold snap hit the UK which means everyone has been turning their heating up to full strength. Me? I don’t need to waste money on that sort of thing as I get a nice, warm glow every time I remember that there are people slipping over on the icy pavements. I often sit there cackling with laughter for hours at a time meaning I save money by not having to turn the TV on either.

Dear Nurse Ratched

My iPhone screen has cracked but the people in the Apple store won’t repair it as I didn’t take out the extended warranty. What should I do?

First of all let’s be clear: every single person who works in an Apple shop is, without exception, a complete shit gibbon. Normally I would laugh at your plight but in this instance I’ll make an exception. Please note that I am not actually sympathising with you, I just hate Apple store employees more than I hate pathetic creatures like yourself. First of all, gather up some mud and put it in a display case. Then stand outside the Apple store and announce that you have some of Steve Job’s pre-cardiac arrest shoe scrapings. Make sure you record all of this as I want to hear the sound of bones snapping and vocal chords squealing when the inevitable stampede starts. This leaves you free to pop into the shop and acquire a brand new iPhone. Just for a laugh I suggest that you burn the place down as well. If that doesn’t work you should kill yourself.

Dear Nurse Ratched

In the office people keep using the same spoon for the sugar and the coffee, meaning the sugar bowl gets clogged up with bits of dried coffee all the time. What should I do?

Quite frankly the people who do that sort of thing should be flayed every single day for the rest of their miserable lives. Now, have you seen the film Die Hard with a Vengeance? The bad guy makes bombs by combining two chemicals that are explosive when mixed together, although I have no idea what they are or where you can get them from. Perhaps you could ask Bruce Willis as he seems the sort of level-headed chap who knows what’s what. He managed to dump that skinny Demi Moore wife-bitch of his so he’s no doubt an expert on this kind of thing. Replace the sugar and the coffee with these two chemicals, and the moment anyone tries to use the same spoon in each bowl the entire kitchen will be blown to smithereens. If that doesn’t work you should kill yourself.

Nurse Ratched New Year

Hey ho, people. Yes, nurse ratchedit’s well past mid-January so the year isn’t new anymore but I have been away; been busy. A band of roving gypsies recently turned up on a village green and so I was called in to help get rid of them. It was a lovely little place actually and they invited me along to Sunday service at the church. One of the choir members ruined it by singing out of tune so I decided to burn the entire village down – the sound of their screaming was marvellous.

Dear Nurse Ratched

After gorging on cheesecake, beer, and cheese over the Xmas period, I put on a fair bit of weight. I have been trying to shift it and get back down to my normal size, but I am finding it difficult. What should I do?

First of all, you should utterly ashamed of yourself. I recommend sleeping outside in the garden for a week or so, preferably next to any rabidly aggressive ant colonies that may be in the vicinity. With regards to weight loss your arse is no doubt a heavy beast so I recommend sandpapering it down a bit. It will sting at first but it won’t be long before your body’s natural pain suppressant kicks in. If it doesn’t kick in then you will probably pass out and slip into a coma. If that doesn’t work you should kill yourself.

Dear Nurse Ratched

After gorging on cheesecake, beer and cheese over the Xmas period I put on a fair bit of weight. I have been trying to shift it and get back down to my normal size but I am finding it hard. What should I do?

Okay sonny, you’ve made me angry now. Did you think I wouldn’t notice this? Do you think I’m stupid? I hate queue jumpers, I hate gluttony, and I hate you. Although I hate everything by default but you have managed to actually piss me off. I will make sure your car never starts; your socks will always be odd, just like your face; your hair will always be on fire; dog shit will be a permanent feature on your doorstep and you will never, ever be able to use a hammer and nail without bludgeoning your fingers into a useless pulp. You should kill yourself.

Nurse Ratched in festive spirits

Good morning. Everyonenurse ratched keeps telling me that it is the season to be jolly and thankful and I agree completely. It was only yesterday that I gleefully watched as an elderly person slipped over on some ice. It is ample punishment for wearing such unsuitable shoes and hopefully they will learn a lesson or two. The replacement hip might be a bit pricey, mind.

Dear Nurse Ratched

I bought the turkey, the vegetables, and the gravy stock for Xmas dinner, but my husband has refused to help with the cooking. He won’t even peel the carrots! What should I do?

Xmas is a time for families so this is the perfect opportunity to humiliate your feral beast of a husband. Swap his sherry for a mixture of lemon juice, vinegar, and battery acid. Then introduce him to Aunt Geraldine, the self-righteous and heavily religious relative you see twice a decade. When his inevitable gurning and spluttering starts she will be offended at what she believes to be an attempt at flirtation; she will be spraying mace in his face and setting off her rape alarm within seconds. The police will take approximately ten minutes to arrive which gives her ample time to slice his testicles into a dozen little strips of ham. If that doesn’t work you should kill yourself.

Dear Nurse Ratched

Every year I drop hints to my husband that I want something nice, cute, or fun for Xmas, yet he only ever buys me pots and pans. One year, he even bought me a Zippo lighter despite the fact that I don’t smoke. What should I do?

We need to teach this awful, awful man a lesson. On Xmas morning make him breakfast in bed and coat each one of his cornflakes with ex-lax and smother his toast with Night Nurse. Lead him out into the garden under the pretence that you have a nice surprise present for him and then leave him in the shed. Within a few minutes he will fall into a deep slumber from which he won’t awake for days and he will be swimming in a quagmire of his own selfish shit the entire time. If that doesn’t work you should kill yourself.

Nurse Ratched returns

Sup, y’all? I poppenurse ratchedd to the hair salon the other day and Sandra, my usual stylist, was on holiday. Holiday? The cheek of it! I had to make do with some silly blonde girl who kept asking if I wanted highlights in my hair. This annoyed me so much that I slipped some bleach into the skinny little bitch’s tea when she wasn’t looking.

Dear Nurse Ratched

My husband never puts his dish in the dishwasher when he has finished using it. I keep reminding him, but he just puts it in the sink and leaves it for me to do for him. What should I do?

Your husband is an abysmal person who doesn’t deserve the use of his arms. I suggest going through the motions of cooking a spaghetti dish, but substitute the pasta for worms and the mince for kitty litter. You could also fracture the plate so that it falls apart on his lap and spills scalding hot food all over his legs. If that doesn’t work you should kill yourself.

Dear Nurse Ratched

My son won’t stop using bubble gum to blow bubbles and then let them burst all over his mouth. What should I do?

Your son is a monster. Soak his trainers in petrol whilst he is asleep and then wait for him to start blowing a bubble the next day. He won’t be able to see you, so nip in under the radar and set his shoes alight. Then, you could replace the bubble-gums themselves with blobs of quick-drying cement and watch with glee as he develops lockjaw and the panic on his face is something you will never forget… and neither will he for that matter. If that doesn’t work, you should kill yourself.

Nurse Ratched is harsh and unfair

I was in the supermnurse ratchedarket the other day and found myself shocked and appalled at the amount of chocolate, sugar, and honey-based cereals on the shelves. No wonder the kids are so soft and spoilt these days, they’re full of nothing but Sugar Puffs and free ringtones.

Dear Nurse Ratched

Someone keeps kicking the piles of leaves that I sweep up outside my house. It takes me quite a while to make the path look all nice and tidy and then my work is ruined. What should I do?

Toughen yourself up and stop eating Sugar Puffs for breakfast would be my initial advice. You could put some heavy bricks under the leaves in the hope that the prankster breaks their foot. Spike the brick with some nails if you like and liberally apply rat poison to the tips to spice things up. If you don’t have any nails or poison handy, you could steal some dirty needles from the local homeless drug addict instead. Although stealing is a sin recreational drug users are nearly always ugly and I hate homeless people anyway. If that doesn’t work you should kill yourself.

Dear Nurse Ratched

One of my work colleagues never, ever offers to make me a cup of tea. I always offer him one when I go to the kitchen but he never returns the favour. What should I do?

Your colleague is a horrendous parasite but you sound quite, quite pathetic. Put superglue on the handle of his mug and smear washing up liquid around the inside of it. Wire up his chair and connect a small battery to the mug so that he gets an electric shock when he touches it. I don’t know much about electronics so you’ll have to ask the bearded man in a hardware shop about that side of things. Don’t stand too close to him though as he might be a pervert or a paedophile or an HIV positive transvestite with AIDs and a wooden leg. If that doesn’t work you should kill yourself.

Agony aunt Nurse Ratched

Good mornnurse ratcheding to you enfeebled lot. The other day I watched two magpies fighting over a piece of bread and it was a delight to see nature at work. The bigger bird won and rightfully claimed his prize once a got his breath back. Although I would normally applaud such a display of bravery I quickly became bored and set the cat on him for a laugh.

Dear Nurse Ratched

My husband keeps leaving the top of the toothpaste off. I have reminded him about this constantly but he doesn’t listen. What should I do?

Your husband is an atrocious human being and should be dealt with accordingly. I recommend swapping out the toothpaste with shaving foam to start with and then escalate up to super glue or battery acid as required. Perhaps write a warning on his forehead with permanent marker as he sleeps so he sees it when he looks in the mirror the next morning. If that doesn’t work you should kill yourself.

Dear Nurse Ratched

My shiny new car is attracting birds and other animals which means it gets dirty and scratched. My car was expensive so I can’t afford a proper cover for it. What should I do?

You are an atrocious human being who spends far too much money on vanity items and I recommend ten years’ service in the Foreign Legion as punishment for your feckless approach to personal finances. Failing that you could set up a dead zone of sorts above your car so that anything that sits on or flies above it dies instantly. Be sure you deactivate it when you want to wash the car and it might be an idea to email your local airport to warn them as well. Or not, I’ll leave that decision to you. If that doesn’t work you should kill yourself.

Nurse Ratched helps out

It’s me again, y’all. nurse ratchedHope you are keeping well and that you remember my name properly – Ratched. Not Ratchy, not Ratty, and certainly not Ratatouille. If I catch anyone using a nickname for me I will burn your house down and upload it to YouTube so your relatives can watch it.

Dear Nurse Ratched

The boy next door keeps on jumping over the garden fence and stealing the apples from my apple tree. His parents won’t stop him from doing it. What should I do?

You need to get tough and put some spikes on the fence so that he cuts his balls and rips himself a nice new arsehole next time he climbs over. You also have the option of injecting cyanide into the apples or maybe even somehow inserting ground glass into them. Don’t ask me how to make ground glass as I’m just a nurse and moral arbiter. If that doesn’t work you should kill yourself.

Dear Nurse Ratched

The person next to me at work keeps borrowing my stapler without asking. I have advised him that he should submit a stationery request form for his own stapler but he doesn’t listen. What should I do?

I recommend taking a car battery into work and using some electrodes to hook it up to the stapler so he gets an electric shock. You could also try modifying a cigarette lighter and putting it inside the stapler so that it sets fire to his hand and scars him for life. If you put super glue on it he won’t be able to let go and may even burn to death as a bonus. If that doesn’t work you should kill yourself.

Nurse Ratched dispences her wisdom and experience

Hey, Nurse Ratchnurse ratcheded here. So many of you have so many problems bothering you that I feel the need to help y’all out a bit, to put some steel in your bellies and some fire in your hearts. I once had a problem with a little dog doing doo-doos on my lawn and the silly old dear who owned him didn’t know how to put a stop to it. Eventually I caught the little twerp, put him in a sack, and threw him in a river: problem solved.

Dear Nurse Ratched

My son never tidies his room. I have tried offering him sweets as a reward and grounding him as a punishment, yet nothing works. What should I do?

First of all, you should put your son up for adoption and get your balls cut off. You clearly aren’t able to keep kids disciplined and he will no doubt grow up to be a Facebook addict who sits in his room smoking cigarettes all day. Try digging a hole in his bedroom floor and then covering it with a sheet and some toys. Hopefully he will fall through the hole and break some bones and learn to tidy his room in future. If that doesn’t work you should kill yourself.

Dear Nurse Ratched

I was short-changed in the local shop but because I didn’t realise until I got home, the owner won’t do anything. What should I do?

There are several things you can do. The easiest would be to bully someone else into giving you some money but you don’t seem the type to do that, what with being a big scared chicken and all. You could try kidnapping one of the owner’s children and demand a wedge of money from them. Finally, you could set fire to the shop and retrieve the change yourself from the ashes when the firemen have gone. If that doesn’t work you should kill yourself.

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