It’s me again, y’all.
Hope you are keeping well and that you remember my name properly – Ratched. Not Ratchy, not Ratty, and certainly not Ratatouille. If I catch anyone using a nickname for me I will burn your house down and upload it to YouTube so your relatives can watch it.
Dear Nurse Ratched
The boy next door keeps on jumping over the garden fence and stealing the apples from my apple tree. His parents won’t stop him from doing it. What should I do?
You need to get tough and put some spikes on the fence so that he cuts his balls and rips himself a nice new arsehole next time he climbs over. You also have the option of injecting cyanide into the apples or maybe even somehow inserting ground glass into them. Don’t ask me how to make ground glass as I’m just a nurse and moral arbiter. If that doesn’t work you should kill yourself.
Dear Nurse Ratched
The person next to me at work keeps borrowing my stapler without asking. I have advised him that he should submit a stationery request form for his own stapler but he doesn’t listen. What should I do?
I recommend taking a car battery into work and using some electrodes to hook it up to the stapler so he gets an electric shock. You could also try modifying a cigarette lighter and putting it inside the stapler so that it sets fire to his hand and scars him for life. If you put super glue on it he won’t be able to let go and may even burn to death as a bonus. If that doesn’t work you should kill yourself.
Like this:
Like Loading...