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Peeps who interviewed me
Trailer for Underneath
Trailer for Shades of Grey
Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.
People often say that Posh Spice, AKA Victoria Beckham, is nothing more than a clothes horse, which I think is unfair. If anything, she’s more like a giraffe.
Frank R, France.
Fool your neighbour into thinking he left the oven on by setting fire to his house when he’s out. The look on his face when he learns the truth will be priceless.
Geoff B, Worcs.
Is anyone else jealous of homeless people? It’s socially acceptable for them to get drunk during the day, and most of them seem to have a personal guide dog to help them across the busy roads.
Susan S, Surrey.
“The cat sat on the mat,” sang my five year old niece as she skipped around the garden. Yet I don’t even own a cat. It says a lot about modern society if children are being encouraged to tell such outrageous lies from a young age.
R Flops, Belgium.
Is anyone else worried about the ever-increasing encroachment of CCTV cameras on our lives? Last month I went to Disney Land Florida for the first time, yet when I arrived there was a map with a big arrow saying “You are here.” It’s the way they’re so blatant about it that scares me most.
S Patel, London.
Fool others into thinking you’re blind by randomly bumping into people and saying “Sorry, I’m blind” whilst wearing a pair of cheap sunglasses.
Terry W, Hull.
Banging two halves of an empty pistachio shell together is the perfect way to make people think that a herd of miniature horses are galloping up behind them.
Frank T, Bolton.
Has anyone else noticed how hippos are like old people? They’re constantly smiling, don’t seem to have many teeth, and it wouldn’t surprise me if they were prone to pissing themselves after getting lost in the supermarket.
Frazzle R, Bolton
I once put my microwave on for three hours, the highest setting I can put the timer to, just to see what would happen. Five minutes before the end there was a power cut along my road, so I never found out.
John W, Lancs
A candle is the ideal ornament for fooling guests into thinking that you’ve got a pet rabbit, provided that it is brown, shaped like a rabbit, and surrounded by half-eaten carrot ends.
Bob L, Woolton
Alcoholics: Remember that you go to the bar for a drink, and the urinal when you need a piss, rather than the other way round.
Jack D, US
Last week whilst cutting my toenails, I suddenly thought of the song It’s the End of the World as We Know It by REM. Five minutes later, next door’s cat was hit by a car. Has anyone else suffered a near-miss premonition of Armageddon like that?
I recently learnt that DVD stands for Digital Versatile Disc. That’s all well and good, but if you snap one in half you are left with sharp pieces of plastic lying around. There’s a fine line between versatile and dangerous, and these guys crossed that line years ago.
Talking of near-misses, a bee flew right into my face whilst I was relaxing in the garden the other day. Thank heavens I wasn’t a pilot trying to land a passenger-laden Boeing 767 airliner at the time.
I don’t care what the advertising blurb says; a Starbucks gift voucher would make a really crap Christmas present.
John G, Manchester
Shoppers: fed up with tax-dodging supermarkets getting free advertising at your expense? Simply turn your ‘complimentary’ plastic carrier bags inside out next time you pack your groceries up. That’ll teach the robbing bastards.
Sarah F, Bolton
I don’t know about anyone else, but I find the misspelling of the word ‘Sods’ highly distracting. Not only that, it sets a bad example to young, impressionable children and future generations will look back on this as time of decadence and illiteracy.
Dave, English teacher at Highbury secondary school
To the driver of the number 60 bus who decided to drive off, just as I got to the bus stop after sprinting 50 yards to get there on time: you’re a wanker.
Adam R, Rochester
A well peeled baby carrot serves as an ideal prop to fool people into thinking you are eating a human finger from a distance.
To the English teacher complaining about the misspelling of the title, I think you’ll find it was used as a way of keeping the alliteration consistent.
Michael C, England
If you’re bursting for a shit mid-way through a long shift, simply rush back to the depot as quickly as you can.
Driver, number 60 bus
Good morning to you enfeebled lot. The other day I watched two magpies fighting over a piece of bread and it was a delight to see nature at work. The bigger bird won and rightfully claimed his prize once a got his breath back. Although I would normally applaud such a display of bravery I quickly became bored and set the cat on him for a laugh.
Dear Nurse Ratched
My husband keeps leaving the top of the toothpaste off. I have reminded him about this constantly but he doesn’t listen. What should I do?
Your husband is an atrocious human being and should be dealt with accordingly. I recommend swapping out the toothpaste with shaving foam to start with and then escalate up to super glue or battery acid as required. Perhaps write a warning on his forehead with permanent marker as he sleeps so he sees it when he looks in the mirror the next morning. If that doesn’t work you should kill yourself.
Dear Nurse Ratched
My shiny new car is attracting birds and other animals which means it gets dirty and scratched. My car was expensive so I can’t afford a proper cover for it. What should I do?
You are an atrocious human being who spends far too much money on vanity items and I recommend ten years’ service in the Foreign Legion as punishment for your feckless approach to personal finances. Failing that you could set up a dead zone of sorts above your car so that anything that sits on or flies above it dies instantly. Be sure you deactivate it when you want to wash the car and it might be an idea to email your local airport to warn them as well. Or not, I’ll leave that decision to you. If that doesn’t work you should kill yourself.
It’s me again, y’all. Hope you are keeping well and that you remember my name properly – Ratched. Not Ratchy, not Ratty, and certainly not Ratatouille. If I catch anyone using a nickname for me I will burn your house down and upload it to YouTube so your relatives can watch it.
Dear Nurse Ratched
The boy next door keeps on jumping over the garden fence and stealing the apples from my apple tree. His parents won’t stop him from doing it. What should I do?
You need to get tough and put some spikes on the fence so that he cuts his balls and rips himself a nice new arsehole next time he climbs over. You also have the option of injecting cyanide into the apples or maybe even somehow inserting ground glass into them. Don’t ask me how to make ground glass as I’m just a nurse and moral arbiter. If that doesn’t work you should kill yourself.
Dear Nurse Ratched
The person next to me at work keeps borrowing my stapler without asking. I have advised him that he should submit a stationery request form for his own stapler but he doesn’t listen. What should I do?
I recommend taking a car battery into work and using some electrodes to hook it up to the stapler so he gets an electric shock. You could also try modifying a cigarette lighter and putting it inside the stapler so that it sets fire to his hand and scars him for life. If you put super glue on it he won’t be able to let go and may even burn to death as a bonus. If that doesn’t work you should kill yourself.