Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Tag Archives: coffee

Nurse Ratched returns

Hello, nurse ratchedonce again. These last few weeks have seen a rather severe cold snap hit the UK which means everyone has been turning their heating up to full strength. Me? I don’t need to waste money on that sort of thing as I get a nice, warm glow every time I remember that there are people slipping over on the icy pavements. I often sit there cackling with laughter for hours at a time meaning I save money by not having to turn the TV on either.

Dear Nurse Ratched

My iPhone screen has cracked but the people in the Apple store won’t repair it as I didn’t take out the extended warranty. What should I do?

First of all let’s be clear: every single person who works in an Apple shop is, without exception, a complete shit gibbon. Normally I would laugh at your plight but in this instance I’ll make an exception. Please note that I am not actually sympathising with you, I just hate Apple store employees more than I hate pathetic creatures like yourself. First of all, gather up some mud and put it in a display case. Then stand outside the Apple store and announce that you have some of Steve Job’s pre-cardiac arrest shoe scrapings. Make sure you record all of this as I want to hear the sound of bones snapping and vocal chords squealing when the inevitable stampede starts. This leaves you free to pop into the shop and acquire a brand new iPhone. Just for a laugh I suggest that you burn the place down as well. If that doesn’t work you should kill yourself.

Dear Nurse Ratched

In the office people keep using the same spoon for the sugar and the coffee, meaning the sugar bowl gets clogged up with bits of dried coffee all the time. What should I do?

Quite frankly the people who do that sort of thing should be flayed every single day for the rest of their miserable lives. Now, have you seen the film Die Hard with a Vengeance? The bad guy makes bombs by combining two chemicals that are explosive when mixed together, although I have no idea what they are or where you can get them from. Perhaps you could ask Bruce Willis as he seems the sort of level-headed chap who knows what’s what. He managed to dump that skinny Demi Moore wife-bitch of his so he’s no doubt an expert on this kind of thing. Replace the sugar and the coffee with these two chemicals, and the moment anyone tries to use the same spoon in each bowl the entire kitchen will be blown to smithereens. If that doesn’t work you should kill yourself.

Starbucks? Sickbuckets more like

As a real coffee fan I avoid Starbucks compcoffeeletely. Everything about the place is wrong and I despise the rampant commercialisation of coffee. The people who work there are not ‘baristas’ at all, they are scoundrelous shits and every night I wish a pox upon them. Quite frankly if the coffee isn’t prepared how the Arabian nomadic farmers had it back in 25BC, then I don’t want to know – these damned coffee chains don’t even give you the option to have camel’s milk for goodness sake.

One time I attempted to grow my own coffee beans, just so I could be as authentic as possible. It wasn’t successful, mainly because my spare room is not an arid desert that gets 50mm of rain an hour during the monsoon season. I did try to grow some in the bath but I think I killed the plant when I dropped my pumice stone in there by accident; I had no idea that my dry skin was so toxic and I was devastated when I realised what had happened.

I’m thinking of starting up a magazine so that me and my fellow coffee aficionados can band together. It could even serve as a support group for people suffering from comedowns when making the transition from tea to coffee and I could even pitch a tent in my garden that would function as a kind of halfway house for them. To be honest I’ve never understood the appeal of tea – all that bag nonsense, it just seems so… false and dishonest.

As for that instant Nescafe stuff you can buy in the shops, well I wouldn’t even use to grit the pavements.

Fooling people is easy

Geoff Broccoli here and I am going to let you in on a little secret: fooling people is very easy and is the key to getting what ypinocchioou want. I first realised this when I came back from lunch rubbing my stomach and said “Mmmm, what a lovely apple.” People then started asking me what type of apple I had eaten yet here is the kicker: I hadn’t actually eaten any apples at all. I had fooled every single person with that little lie and it served as my wake up call. Eager to capitalise on my success, the next day I announced “Oooh, the price of Mars Bars these days is shocking,” to which everyone around me agreed. It had been a good three years since I’d last attempted to purchase a Mars Bar.

It wasn’t long until the whole town was under my spell and deeply woven among my web of lies. I told a bus driver I had been waiting for thirty minutes when I had in fact only just arrived at the bus stop; I received a free sachet of tartare sauce in a cafe despite that fact I hadn’t ordered any fish; I told the serving girl in the coffee shop that I wanted a receipt for my skinny latte and chocolate caramel slice so I could claim it on my corporate expenses account… and when I got outside I threw the slice away. I am diabetic and cannot eat sugary snacks. I was also unemployed at the time and so couldn’t claim it on expenses.

The gullibility of mankind is breath-taking in its naivety and this has even spread to the machines that we build for ourselves. Even the GPS in my car can be fooled by telling it I am going somewhere that I am not, although this particular piece of devilry resulted in me crashing into a wall so I haven’t bothered experimenting any further with it.

I went into the ladies changing room at my local gym and pretended to be a peeping tom taking photos of the women in the shower. The camera on my phone was broken so the police could only charge me with voyeurism rather than trespassing with intent; that’s six weeks in jail rather than eight months and I even qualified for legal aid – win-win all round.

I’ve even managed to fool you as my name isn’t Geoff.

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