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Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.
What ho, chums! I don’t know about anyone else, but I found election night to be a real smasher of an occasion. For weeks I’ve had pasty-faced yobbos and foreign-looking bounders chasing me all over the place, asking question after question, and for the life of me I can’t understand why these people think I’m interested in their appalling and depraved ways. Anyway, now that I’ve beaten them all off I can move onto sorting this country out once and for all. I’ve got just enough time to reply to one or two letters, before I dash off to shut down an orphanage that hasn’t paid this month’s electricity bill.
Dear Mr Cameron
I’ve been reading in the news that more and more people are having to resort to using food banks in order to feed their families. How are you planning on dealing with this?
An excellent question and one that I’ll answer directly. I completely agree that there’s far too many people relying on food banks these days, and we’re currently drafting up legislation to force these so-called ‘people of poverty’ to dig up the dead before being allowed access to one. No doubt some of them will complain about the high cost of pick axes and spades, but quite frankly anyone who isn’t willing to get down on their hands and knees to feed themselves is a lazy fiend.
Landowners, fret ye not, for we haven’t forgotten about you noble people – if any of these digging bounders are caught trespassing in your privatised graveyards, the legal aid cutbacks will mean no solicitor in the land will bother representing them in court. Both your topsoil and your rights are safe with me at the helm.
Dear Mr Cameron
Nick Clegg is an honourable man whom I feel sorry for. Do you happen to have an address that I can send a well-wishing card to?
Sorry, who? Is he a greengrocer? I’m afraid I don’t really get involved with such awful occupations.
Master sends me out from his kennel at night so I can sniff at flowers and leaves and do squeezy until Master calls me back in to tell me I am good boy. I remember when I was puppy I did squeezy on furry blue grass in Master’s kennel; Master rubbed my nose in squeezy and told me I am bad boy.
Master give me biscuit from dog box and tell me I am good boy. When Master eats dinner in front of talking box I stand guard and make sure he knows I will help him finish leftovers that aren’t good enough for him. I go and get dog box so we can share biscuits but Master call me bad boy.
Sometimes Master take me into small room where he do squeezy on shiny white thing. If I try to drink out of shiny white thing or rub my nose in Master’s squeezy, Master tells me I am bad boy.
When Master invite friends round I get nervous so I clean myself for comfort. Ever since Master take me to man who put me to sleep my testicles are not as big they used to be; this mean I lick them for longer but have to stop when Master tells me I am bad boy.
Master put me on chain and we go for walkies on grey grass. If Master sees bitch with two legs he stop to say she smell nice. After more walkies I see bitch with four legs but Master call me bad boy when I try to smell if she on heat. If I do squeezy on grey grass Master put in bag and keep in pocket so he can rub on nose later.
If I good boy Master take me to park full of green grass where I fetch him stick that he drop by accident. After a while I decide it safer if I carry stick for him instead but he call me bad boy if I hold on too tight.
When Master come home from work I will dance and sing him beautiful song in celebration. I then show him buffet I made from tasty biscuits I found hiding in dog boxes and hopefully he call me good boy.
Hi there, guys!
The other day I was pooting around in the garden when I felt a sudden pain in my finger. Thinking I’d caught a splinter I quickly fetched a pair of tweezers, only to discover that an entire pawn chess piece had somehow gotten itself lodged right under my nail! How ’bout that for a strange occurrence, huh? I’ve no idea where it came from but seeing my favourite board game piece sure put a smile on my face. Although the cute doggy from Monopoly is a funny little tyke and them tiddly winks from Tiddlywinks have a nice shade of colour to ’em, nothing beats the sheer round-headed honesty of a pawn.
‘Course, this leads me to wonder about the poor soul who, through no fault of his own, is now missing a vital component for one of mankind’s greatest games of strategy and wisdom; I just hope he don’t get too upset when he finds out. It kinda reminds me of that time last year when I bought a cheese sandwich – when I opened up the packet there was no sandwich inside, just cheese.
The great thing about pawns is how simple they are. They can take one step forward or one step to the side, nothing more, which is perfect for a chilled out go-slow kinda guy like myself. As anyone who’s fond of ice cream will know – and I love myself a bit of mint choc-chip – it’s no good tearing about the place like one of them sex-starved bishops or hopping around like them horsey pieces do, else you’re likely to spill it all over the place. That little diagonal move can come in ‘specially handy too, like when you need to jump out that way of a hungry dog or if someone isn’t watching where they’re goin’.
Well, I think that’s about it for now. If any of yous is missing a white pawn piece feel free to get in touch. Likewise, if anyone has stumbled upon a cheeseless sandwich then I’d love to hear from you.
Hi, fans! Long time no fist bump.
Now, I don’t know about any of you good folks out there but the first time I heard someone mention April Fools, I actually thought they were talking about a type of yoghurt. I loves myself a nice little pot of yoghurt, ‘specially if it’s apricot flavour, and if anyone fancies posting one out to me I’d be very grateful. If it’s got bits of appycot mixed in with it then I’ll be your friend for life, no word of a lie.
I decided to do a spot of research on this April Fools business but after wandering around in my bedroom cupboard for a couple of hours I realised it would be best if I asked my nephew about it instead; he might only be seven years old but he goes to school and seems to know just about everything these days.
Imagine my surprise when I discovered that April Fools is just another name for playing pranks on your friends and co-workers, something that I’m quite fond of myself. It reminded me of that time when I put on me slippers one morning and could feel something sharp moving around under my foot. At first I thought someone had hidden a speck of grit inside them for a joke but it turned out that I had simply stepped on the cat without noticing. Poor little mite, his blood and guts were smeared all over the kitchen floor before I noticed him dangling there in between me toes.
My plan for April Fools today is to get meself an appycot yoghurt and fool everyone into thinking that it’s something else entirely! If I sit over on the other side room, or maybe even hide under the table, they won’t be able to see the label once I’ve turned out the lights. Then, after putting some in my mouth, I’ll say something like “Gosh darn, this cup of coffee is real nice and doesn’t taste anything like appycot. No, not even a little bit.”
I’ll have to put the spoon and the empty pot into my pocket afterwards just to keep the joke going, mind. That’s the one thing I forgot to do when I tried to pull the same prank last Christmas.
Hi there! My name is David Wrongford and I’m here to tell you all about my innovative new dental routine.
Dental hygiene is important not only for dentists but also for the general wellbeing of society as a whole. I’ll explain my point via the use of an analogy about food: if you bought an apple, you wouldn’t set it down next to another apple that had turned rotten; instead, you’d finish it off before your greedy neighbour noticed it.
See? Makes perfect sense. Food analogies are good because food is tasty and most people will have consumed at least one bit of food at some point in their lives.
My dental routine starts off with three minutes of vigorous brushing, a process that practically guarantees drawing some blood from the stubborn bastards that are my gums. As the saying goes: old enough to bleed, yes indeed. Following on from that, whilst my gums are still screaming furiously at me, I give them a good kicking with the flossing cord – and by Jove do they kick up a stink! I did ask my dentist if there’s such a thing as barbed flossing wire but he said he didn’t know of any.
Finally, and this is my favourite part, we come to the pisté tea resistancé: the barfing. I select two fingers from my right hand, press the tips of them against the back of my throat, and let the magic of nature do the rest. Out come all those nasty bits of offal from the night before and all of a sudden my head will be spinning with delight and happiness. Don’t be shy or nervous about it, just let it all out. You ever seen a cow do a doo-doo? It just expels it’s nonsense as quick as a flash and carries right on with its business as if nothing happened. In fact cats are a bit like that as well and everyone loves cats.
If you find that a chunk of sweetcorn or a sliver of a noodle gets stuck in between your teeth, don’t worry: I like to leave it there as a final ‘up yours’ to my gums.
Lastly, be sure to ‘go naked’ with your fingers during the barfing stage; I did experiment with some protective sheaths a while ago but found that the rubber kills the sensation somewhat.
Last week mummy bought me a pet rabbit as a surprise for being such a good boy and because she said rabbits are really cute. The rabbit is really funny and likes to run around in circles and I have named him Playboy after seeing a picture of a lady in a bunny costume on a magazine that daddy sometimes takes with him into the toilet. For some reason he always spends a long time in there and comes out all red faced and has to go for a sleep-sleep afterwards.
I put the rabbit on my bed and he started doing lots of poos that look like raisins and then he started eating them probably because raisins are really nice. I decided to copy him and did a poo on the bed and tried to eat it but it tasted like peanuts and got stuck in the roof of my mouth. When mummy came in and saw me she started shouting and said a word that began with ‘c’ but definitely wasn’t ‘cute’ which is what she says to the rabbit and I did a cry.
Yesterday I let the rabbit out and he was running around and did a big wee on the carpet that smelled like Sugar Puffs but he didn’t try to eat it which was weird because Sugar Puffs are the best ever cereal. I wanted to give him some of my favourite juice but mummy told me not to and then I tried to see if he wanted to play on my Xbox but he started biting the controller and now the joysticks don’t work properly which means all the angry people do swears at me when I play online which makes me do a cry.
Seeing as its winter I thought he might be cold so I gave him some of my clothes but I accidentally dropped my belt on his head and he stopped moving and now mummy says we have to take him to the vets for a special injection. I remember when I had a special injection at school and they gave me a sticker to wear afterwards so I hope Playboy doesn’t mind if his fur gets all sticky.
People often say that Posh Spice, AKA Victoria Beckham, is nothing more than a clothes horse, which I think is unfair. If anything, she’s more like a giraffe.
Frank R, France.
Fool your neighbour into thinking he left the oven on by setting fire to his house when he’s out. The look on his face when he learns the truth will be priceless.
Geoff B, Worcs.
Is anyone else jealous of homeless people? It’s socially acceptable for them to get drunk during the day, and most of them seem to have a personal guide dog to help them across the busy roads.
Susan S, Surrey.
“The cat sat on the mat,” sang my five year old niece as she skipped around the garden. Yet I don’t even own a cat. It says a lot about modern society if children are being encouraged to tell such outrageous lies from a young age.
R Flops, Belgium.
Is anyone else worried about the ever-increasing encroachment of CCTV cameras on our lives? Last month I went to Disney Land Florida for the first time, yet when I arrived there was a map with a big arrow saying “You are here.” It’s the way they’re so blatant about it that scares me most.
S Patel, London.
Fool others into thinking you’re blind by randomly bumping into people and saying “Sorry, I’m blind” whilst wearing a pair of cheap sunglasses.
Terry W, Hull.
Banging two halves of an empty pistachio shell together is the perfect way to make people think that a herd of miniature horses are galloping up behind them.
Frank T, Bolton.
Has anyone else noticed how hippos are like old people? They’re constantly smiling, don’t seem to have many teeth, and it wouldn’t surprise me if they were prone to pissing themselves after getting lost in the supermarket.
Frazzle R, Bolton
I once put my microwave on for three hours, the highest setting I can put the timer to, just to see what would happen. Five minutes before the end there was a power cut along my road, so I never found out.
John W, Lancs
A candle is the ideal ornament for fooling guests into thinking that you’ve got a pet rabbit, provided that it is brown, shaped like a rabbit, and surrounded by half-eaten carrot ends.
Bob L, Woolton
Alcoholics: Remember that you go to the bar for a drink, and the urinal when you need a piss, rather than the other way round.
Jack D, US
Last week whilst cutting my toenails, I suddenly thought of the song It’s the End of the World as We Know It by REM. Five minutes later, next door’s cat was hit by a car. Has anyone else suffered a near-miss premonition of Armageddon like that?
I recently learnt that DVD stands for Digital Versatile Disc. That’s all well and good, but if you snap one in half you are left with sharp pieces of plastic lying around. There’s a fine line between versatile and dangerous, and these guys crossed that line years ago.
Talking of near-misses, a bee flew right into my face whilst I was relaxing in the garden the other day. Thank heavens I wasn’t a pilot trying to land a passenger-laden Boeing 767 airliner at the time.
Christmas was quite stressful for me this year, as I wasn’t sure if Santa knew how much of a good boy I’ve been. Back in the summer, I accidentally fell on a snail whilst practicing the Moonwalk in the garden. I was so upset that I crieded three times afterwards, and helped mummy with the shopping all week afterwards. I even had a go at making my own sandwiches at lunch, but I cut my finger and got blood all over the kitchen floor. I only did one cry that time, and mummy even let me have one of my favourite dinosaur plasters to help make it all better.
On Christmas Eve I brushed my teeth twice, and then sung Kumbayah to my teddies before going sleep sleeps. Santa usually puts my stocking at the bottom of the bed, so when I woke up and it wasn’t there I did another cry until mummy came in and showed me that it had fallen on the floor during the night. We then went downstairs to open the big presents, and I was so excited that I put my dressing gown on inside out! As the presents were handed out, mummy let me have one of the chocolate decorations after I promised that I wouldn’t be sick like I was the year before when I tried to eat the mistletoe.
I think Father Christmas might need to get some new helpers, as one of my presents was a strange blue candle that made a buzzing noise as if there was a giant bee trapped inside it. I asked mummy why it was called a Rampant Rabbit, and her face went bright red like happens when she gets cross if I don’t tidy my room and she said that it must have been given to me by mistake.
My other presents were much nicer, and I got Bugs Bunny slippers, some crayons that smell like chewing gum, and a Harry Potter wand that breaks if you bend it too far.