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Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.
Hey, gang! With all the wind and the rain that’s been battering the fair shores of the UK recently, I’ve been wondering if Armageddon isn’t just around the corner. It honestly wouldn’t surprise me if we woke up to find Gaia herself knocking on our doors in the morning.
Of course, being such a clever eco-bod means that I’ve been able to thrive in the face of such adversity. Using the recycled remains of my neighbour’s blown-down fence, I built a nice little windmill at the bottom of my garden. I’ve also got several gallons of reclaimed rainwater stored in some Tupperware containers and provided I can find some readily-harvested wheat, I should be able to make half a loaf of bread by the end of the year. In terms of making good use of this freakish weather, the sky is quite literally the limit.
Dear Frigid Twiglet
All my friends are having fun with their iPhones and Androids, yet I have to make do with papyrus scrolls and bits of chalk. Is there any way I can join in with this smartphone-based fun, whilst still maintaining my eco-friendly credentials?
There certainly is! Remember, eco-friendliness is as much a mental state of being as it is about saving the planet from the parasitic nature of mankind. Close your eyes and picture just what ‘Android’ is all about. It represents machinery, petrol, technology, and people who liked to dress up as Darth Vader whilst they burn car tyres down by the river.
Close your eyes again and think about ‘Apple’. Apple is, essentially, nature in a nutshell. I tested this myself once by leaving an apple outside in the garden. As it slowly withered away, a bird flew down to peck at it. A few moments later, a lurking cat pounced on the bird and killed it. Then a dog came and chased the cat away. The very next day that same dog crapped in my garden, so I tied it up and left it to rot just like I did with the apple.
Nature is cruel, but man is a bitch.
Local pigeons have been causing “Mayhem and panic,” in a popular park in London this week. Professional busker Mark Lawrenson was “Just getting warmed up,” when a pigeon unexpectedly “landed on the ground.” Mark was upset because “This is a bloody good busking spot,” and “I had to wipe the mouth organ clean again because I dropped it on the grass during the panic.”
Observer Sue Wall said “He was just getting to the good bit in ‘How much is that doggy in the window?’ when that horrible pigeon flew down and tried to pick up a bit of bread. I was sending a text message to my daughter and I pressed the wrong key by accident; I hope she realises I meant tea-set and not tea-sex.”
Wild animals have often been the bane of Londoners lives over the years as pampered urbanites meet nature in a clash of wills. A squirrel caused a stir on Comic Relief Day when it approached a mime artist and “wildly flicked its tail,” before “scrabbling up a tree.”
Grieving pet owner Katie Wand told us of her experience with a feathered monster: “I saw what I thought was my dead cat’s spirit coming towards me in the form of a beautiful, white dove. I reached out and it landed next to me on the bench and then flew off again. I was distraught with grief and anger when someone told me it was just a bloody pigeon.”