Agony aunt Nurse Ratched

Good morning to you enfeebled lot. The other day I watched two magpies fighting over a piece of bread and it was a delight to see nature at work. The bigger bird won and rightfully claimed his prize once a got his breath back. Although I would normally applaud such a display of bravery I quickly became bored and set the cat on him for a laugh.

Dear Nurse Ratched

My husband keeps leaving the top of the toothpaste off. I have reminded him about this constantly but he doesn’t listen. What should I do?

Your husband is an atrocious human being and should be dealt with accordingly. I recommend swapping out the toothpaste with shaving foam to start with and then escalate up to super glue or battery acid as required. Perhaps write a warning on his forehead with permanent marker as he sleeps so he sees it when he looks in the mirror the next morning. If that doesn’t work you should kill yourself.

Dear Nurse Ratched

My shiny new car is attracting birds and other animals which means it gets dirty and scratched. My car was expensive so I can’t afford a proper cover for it. What should I do?

You are an atrocious human being who spends far too much money on vanity items and I recommend ten years’ service in the Foreign Legion as punishment for your feckless approach to personal finances. Failing that you could set up a dead zone of sorts above your car so that anything that sits on or flies above it dies instantly. Be sure you deactivate it when you want to wash the car and it might be an idea to email your local airport to warn them as well. Or not, I’ll leave that decision to you. If that doesn’t work you should kill yourself.