Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Agony aunt Nurse Ratched

Good mornnurse ratcheding to you enfeebled lot. The other day I watched two magpies fighting over a piece of bread and it was a delight to see nature at work. The bigger bird won and rightfully claimed his prize once a got his breath back. Although I would normally applaud such a display of bravery I quickly became bored and set the cat on him for a laugh.

Dear Nurse Ratched

My husband keeps leaving the top of the toothpaste off. I have reminded him about this constantly but he doesn’t listen. What should I do?

Your husband is an atrocious human being and should be dealt with accordingly. I recommend swapping out the toothpaste with shaving foam to start with and then escalate up to super glue or battery acid as required. Perhaps write a warning on his forehead with permanent marker as he sleeps so he sees it when he looks in the mirror the next morning. If that doesn’t work you should kill yourself.

Dear Nurse Ratched

My shiny new car is attracting birds and other animals which means it gets dirty and scratched. My car was expensive so I can’t afford a proper cover for it. What should I do?

You are an atrocious human being who spends far too much money on vanity items and I recommend ten years’ service in the Foreign Legion as punishment for your feckless approach to personal finances. Failing that you could set up a dead zone of sorts above your car so that anything that sits on or flies above it dies instantly. Be sure you deactivate it when you want to wash the car and it might be an idea to email your local airport to warn them as well. Or not, I’ll leave that decision to you. If that doesn’t work you should kill yourself.

14 responses to “Agony aunt Nurse Ratched

  1. April Trice 11/01/2011 at 12:57 PM

    Sometimes I have secret fantasies about living my life as Nurse Ratched and telling the rest of the world to screw off. Sometimes.

  2. robpixaday 11/01/2011 at 8:55 PM

    How freeing!
    (And any post with “feckless” and “magpie” in it HAS to be good)

  3. mooselicker 11/01/2011 at 10:52 PM

    I know I shouldn’t, but every time I read Nurse Ratched’s advice column I get a little horny.

  4. mooselicker 11/01/2011 at 11:48 PM

    You mean you’re not?!?!

    I hope this turns around and becomes a Miracle on 34th Street. Let me tug on your nurse breasts. I want to pretend this is real.

    • Michael Cargill 11/01/2011 at 11:55 PM

      Hi Moose

      You sound like an atrocious human being and you won’t be getting your filthy, perverted hands anywhere near this corset. I would sooner replace the ham in your sandwiches with a rubber balloon and watch as you slowly choke to death.


      Nurse Ratched.

  5. tootsiewoo 11/02/2011 at 3:23 AM

    Wow. In love. so glad I found this beautiful, awful, beautiful blog. It’s also nice to see someone who isn’t afraid to plug the ever present “kill yourself” option.

  6. Pete Howorth 11/03/2011 at 3:27 PM

    Girlfriend told me she was pregnant, so I threw her down the stairs. Now the cops are after me, should I kill myself?

    • Michael Cargill 11/03/2011 at 3:32 PM

      Hi Pete

      I dislike people who try to second-guess me but in this instance yes, you should kill yourself. Anyone who has a small penis like you do should do the honourable thing.


      Nurse Ratched.

  7. greatlakessocialist 11/05/2011 at 10:52 AM

    The world is too soft now, what with the whole removal of hair thingy, small dogs and plastic zippers. Nurse Ratched provides a refreshing voice of reason. My recommendations.

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