- RT @davidwalliams: Matt & I in the first picture from our new comedy series ‘Little World’. https://t.co/gxPVfj2Y0n 1 week ago
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Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.
I was in the supermarket the other day and found myself shocked and appalled at the amount of chocolate, sugar, and honey-based cereals on the shelves. No wonder the kids are so soft and spoilt these days, they’re full of nothing but Sugar Puffs and free ringtones.
Dear Nurse Ratched
Someone keeps kicking the piles of leaves that I sweep up outside my house. It takes me quite a while to make the path look all nice and tidy and then my work is ruined. What should I do?
Toughen yourself up and stop eating Sugar Puffs for breakfast would be my initial advice. You could put some heavy bricks under the leaves in the hope that the prankster breaks their foot. Spike the brick with some nails if you like and liberally apply rat poison to the tips to spice things up. If you don’t have any nails or poison handy, you could steal some dirty needles from the local homeless drug addict instead. Although stealing is a sin recreational drug users are nearly always ugly and I hate homeless people anyway. If that doesn’t work you should kill yourself.
Dear Nurse Ratched
One of my work colleagues never, ever offers to make me a cup of tea. I always offer him one when I go to the kitchen but he never returns the favour. What should I do?
Your colleague is a horrendous parasite but you sound quite, quite pathetic. Put superglue on the handle of his mug and smear washing up liquid around the inside of it. Wire up his chair and connect a small battery to the mug so that he gets an electric shock when he touches it. I don’t know much about electronics so you’ll have to ask the bearded man in a hardware shop about that side of things. Don’t stand too close to him though as he might be a pervert or a paedophile or an HIV positive transvestite with AIDs and a wooden leg. If that doesn’t work you should kill yourself.