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Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.
Good morning. Everyone keeps telling me that it is the season to be jolly and thankful and I agree completely. It was only yesterday that I gleefully watched as an elderly person slipped over on some ice. It is ample punishment for wearing such unsuitable shoes and hopefully they will learn a lesson or two. The replacement hip might be a bit pricey, mind.
Dear Nurse Ratched
I bought the turkey, the vegetables, and the gravy stock for Xmas dinner, but my husband has refused to help with the cooking. He won’t even peel the carrots! What should I do?
Xmas is a time for families so this is the perfect opportunity to humiliate your feral beast of a husband. Swap his sherry for a mixture of lemon juice, vinegar, and battery acid. Then introduce him to Aunt Geraldine, the self-righteous and heavily religious relative you see twice a decade. When his inevitable gurning and spluttering starts she will be offended at what she believes to be an attempt at flirtation; she will be spraying mace in his face and setting off her rape alarm within seconds. The police will take approximately ten minutes to arrive which gives her ample time to slice his testicles into a dozen little strips of ham. If that doesn’t work you should kill yourself.
Dear Nurse Ratched
Every year I drop hints to my husband that I want something nice, cute, or fun for Xmas, yet he only ever buys me pots and pans. One year, he even bought me a Zippo lighter despite the fact that I don’t smoke. What should I do?
We need to teach this awful, awful man a lesson. On Xmas morning make him breakfast in bed and coat each one of his cornflakes with ex-lax and smother his toast with Night Nurse. Lead him out into the garden under the pretence that you have a nice surprise present for him and then leave him in the shed. Within a few minutes he will fall into a deep slumber from which he won’t awake for days and he will be swimming in a quagmire of his own selfish shit the entire time. If that doesn’t work you should kill yourself.
Dear Nurse Ratched,
Do you have any good ideas for an exciting Christmas?
Sincerely,
A.
I am a little Bobble Cat who likes to play in the snow and eat lemons. My tail is blue and I have never seen a monkey eat a Twix.
What the hell, Michael?
Sorry, couldn’t resist!
I corrected your original spelling mistake and then changed your post that pointed out that spelling mistake.
I saw that… But the Bobble Cat? I have to admit that it made me laugh when I saw it. I just stared for a few seconds trying to remember when I typed that… :).
Finally!! A realistic Agony Aunt!
I know, all those holier-than-thou agony aunts get on my nerves! They are far too mumsy and nice and emotionally connected for my taste.
I think I finally get you. You’re a mean lesbian!
Hi Moose
I may be mean but I aint no lesbian, you hear? Accuse me of being one again and I will entice a cat to flay the skin from your flesh.
Cheers
Ratched.
Hahahahahaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I worry about you Rob sometimes. I worry that you will have a heart attack when visiting my blog one day.
Oh, well; not to worry. Nurse Ratched is on duty.
🙂
In other news, the death toll has increased this month.
Survival of the fittest, bro. It’s a harsh mistress.
Also accidentally unsubscripted while trying to click the feckin Like button.
I’ve also noticed you don’t subscribe to me?! WHASSUPWIDDAT?
*Unsubscribe
…Bah humbug.
Hey Michael, just wanted to let you know that you are a Preliminary Nominee for The Dark Globe Outstanding Artist Awards Writer of the Year Award, as Nominated by LaPlumeNoir… In the end, there will only be 5 Final Nominees in each of the 3 Categories, which will be determined on December 20th… If you make the Final 5 Best Writer of the Year cut, Voting for the actual Awards will begin December 21st through December 31st… And the Award Winners will be Announced on January 1st… To see your actual Nomination,and for the Official Rules, you can go here http://thedarkglobe.wordpress.com/2011/12/13/the-dark-globe-outstanding-artist-awards/#comment-281
Gratz, and if you make the Final Cut, Good Luck! Either way, Kudos for being Nominated, especially bey LaPlumeNoir who is one of my Favorite Blogs
DarkJade-
Blimey. Thank you very much for letting me know Jade.
No Worries
DarkJade-
Great blog, made me laugh 🙂
I am more than happy to oblige!
I think that Nurse Ratched and Aunty Venting should unite for the mother of all EVIL agony aunts.
I love capslock by the way, LOVE IT.
Hi RAWR
I have taken a look-see at Venting’s work and she definitely has potential. I am not opposed to taking someone under my wing, so to speak. It is a wing barbed with spikes so she will have to be careful.
Cheers
Ratched.