Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Nurse Ratched in festive spirits

Good morning. Everyonenurse ratched keeps telling me that it is the season to be jolly and thankful and I agree completely. It was only yesterday that I gleefully watched as an elderly person slipped over on some ice. It is ample punishment for wearing such unsuitable shoes and hopefully they will learn a lesson or two. The replacement hip might be a bit pricey, mind.

Dear Nurse Ratched

I bought the turkey, the vegetables, and the gravy stock for Xmas dinner, but my husband has refused to help with the cooking. He won’t even peel the carrots! What should I do?

Xmas is a time for families so this is the perfect opportunity to humiliate your feral beast of a husband. Swap his sherry for a mixture of lemon juice, vinegar, and battery acid. Then introduce him to Aunt Geraldine, the self-righteous and heavily religious relative you see twice a decade. When his inevitable gurning and spluttering starts she will be offended at what she believes to be an attempt at flirtation; she will be spraying mace in his face and setting off her rape alarm within seconds. The police will take approximately ten minutes to arrive which gives her ample time to slice his testicles into a dozen little strips of ham. If that doesn’t work you should kill yourself.

Dear Nurse Ratched

Every year I drop hints to my husband that I want something nice, cute, or fun for Xmas, yet he only ever buys me pots and pans. One year, he even bought me a Zippo lighter despite the fact that I don’t smoke. What should I do?

We need to teach this awful, awful man a lesson. On Xmas morning make him breakfast in bed and coat each one of his cornflakes with ex-lax and smother his toast with Night Nurse. Lead him out into the garden under the pretence that you have a nice surprise present for him and then leave him in the shed. Within a few minutes he will fall into a deep slumber from which he won’t awake for days and he will be swimming in a quagmire of his own selfish shit the entire time. If that doesn’t work you should kill yourself.

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23 responses to “Nurse Ratched in festive spirits

  1. No Blog Intended 12/16/2011 at 1:30 PM

    Dear Nurse Ratched,
    Do you have any good ideas for an exciting Christmas?
    Sincerely,
    A.

  2. Adair 12/16/2011 at 3:22 PM

    Finally!! A realistic Agony Aunt!

  3. mooselicker 12/16/2011 at 4:36 PM

    I think I finally get you. You’re a mean lesbian!

  4. robpixaday 12/16/2011 at 9:03 PM

    Hahahahahaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  5. Pete Howorth 12/16/2011 at 9:07 PM

    In other news, the death toll has increased this month.

  6. darkjade68 12/16/2011 at 10:57 PM

    Hey Michael, just wanted to let you know that you are a Preliminary Nominee for The Dark Globe Outstanding Artist Awards Writer of the Year Award, as Nominated by LaPlumeNoir… In the end, there will only be 5 Final Nominees in each of the 3 Categories, which will be determined on December 20th… If you make the Final 5 Best Writer of the Year cut, Voting for the actual Awards will begin December 21st through December 31st… And the Award Winners will be Announced on January 1st… To see your actual Nomination,and for the Official Rules, you can go here http://thedarkglobe.wordpress.com/2011/12/13/the-dark-globe-outstanding-artist-awards/#comment-281

    Gratz, and if you make the Final Cut, Good Luck! Either way, Kudos for being Nominated, especially bey LaPlumeNoir who is one of my Favorite Blogs

    DarkJade-

  7. magnumlady 12/17/2011 at 11:49 AM

    Great blog, made me laugh 🙂

  8. A innocent mind (RAWR!) 12/17/2011 at 7:39 PM

    I think that Nurse Ratched and Aunty Venting should unite for the mother of all EVIL agony aunts.

    I love capslock by the way, LOVE IT.

    • Michael Cargill 12/17/2011 at 8:01 PM

      Hi RAWR

      I have taken a look-see at Venting’s work and she definitely has potential. I am not opposed to taking someone under my wing, so to speak. It is a wing barbed with spikes so she will have to be careful.

      Cheers

      Ratched.

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