Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Tag Archives: iphone

Agony Aunt Nurse Ratched

Hey thernurse ratchede my little friends. I have been away for a few months; did you miss me? I damn well hope so or you’ll be getting a dog turd sandwich sent to you in the post. My daughter paid for me to have a Swedish massage the other week. The masseuse was a big, muscular guy so I asked him to do me hard. I could tell he was holding back on me so I asked him to do it even harder. It still wasn’t hard enough so I throttled him with the towel.

Dear Nurse Ratched

I have been having money troubles lately, and now the bank have written to me demanding that I pay back my loan or they will send the bailiffs round. What should I do?

Well deary, perhaps you should pay what you owe? You could always get a second job doing something useful like shoving iPhone owners in front of buses. But don’t you worry about those bailiffs, they are human just like you and me and their soft vulnerable flesh is just as susceptible to a well-placed rubber mallet as everyone else’s. I suggest moving to a house at the bottom of a cliff so you can roll huge boulders onto their big fat heads if they come and bother you. If that doesn’t work you should kill yourself.

Dear Nurse Ratched

Sometimes when I buy Satsumas from the greengrocer’s they are dry and full of annoying pips. I have tried talking to the owner but he says he can’t do anything. What should I do?

Perhaps you could try a less stressful fruit like a banana – with any luck you will slip over on the skin and smash your stupid head open on the floor. What I suggest you do is collect up all those nasty pips until you have a whole load of them. Then take them down to the greengrocers and toss them onto the floor so he slips on them, and as he lies there on the ground nursing a broken leg use a pencil to shove the pips into his ear. If that doesn’t work you should kill yourself.

Nurse Ratched returns

Hello, nurse ratchedonce again. These last few weeks have seen a rather severe cold snap hit the UK which means everyone has been turning their heating up to full strength. Me? I don’t need to waste money on that sort of thing as I get a nice, warm glow every time I remember that there are people slipping over on the icy pavements. I often sit there cackling with laughter for hours at a time meaning I save money by not having to turn the TV on either.

Dear Nurse Ratched

My iPhone screen has cracked but the people in the Apple store won’t repair it as I didn’t take out the extended warranty. What should I do?

First of all let’s be clear: every single person who works in an Apple shop is, without exception, a complete shit gibbon. Normally I would laugh at your plight but in this instance I’ll make an exception. Please note that I am not actually sympathising with you, I just hate Apple store employees more than I hate pathetic creatures like yourself. First of all, gather up some mud and put it in a display case. Then stand outside the Apple store and announce that you have some of Steve Job’s pre-cardiac arrest shoe scrapings. Make sure you record all of this as I want to hear the sound of bones snapping and vocal chords squealing when the inevitable stampede starts. This leaves you free to pop into the shop and acquire a brand new iPhone. Just for a laugh I suggest that you burn the place down as well. If that doesn’t work you should kill yourself.

Dear Nurse Ratched

In the office people keep using the same spoon for the sugar and the coffee, meaning the sugar bowl gets clogged up with bits of dried coffee all the time. What should I do?

Quite frankly the people who do that sort of thing should be flayed every single day for the rest of their miserable lives. Now, have you seen the film Die Hard with a Vengeance? The bad guy makes bombs by combining two chemicals that are explosive when mixed together, although I have no idea what they are or where you can get them from. Perhaps you could ask Bruce Willis as he seems the sort of level-headed chap who knows what’s what. He managed to dump that skinny Demi Moore wife-bitch of his so he’s no doubt an expert on this kind of thing. Replace the sugar and the coffee with these two chemicals, and the moment anyone tries to use the same spoon in each bowl the entire kitchen will be blown to smithereens. If that doesn’t work you should kill yourself.

French President says that Israeli PM is a ‘compulsive fryer’

Skillsfryer

French President Nicolas Sarkozy complimented Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s culinary skills during a recent gathering of world leaders. He said that Benjamin would “Definitely be in his element if he worked somewhere like McDonalds,” as he “Has got a good eye for detail,” and can also “work well under pressure.”

Benjamin is “A man with big arms who could easily lift at least two bags of chips at once, maybe even three, during peak times,” and “If the way he uses his iPhone is anything go by,” the Israeli would have “no trouble at all getting to grips with the till.” In fact, he could “Probably work unsupervised within a couple of weeks,” and maybe even “Promoted to a two-star server before his probation period is over.”

Witty

Nicolas recounted his own younger days working at Le Garlic ‘n’ Chips where he was “Promoted to team leader very quickly,” and boasted how he “revolutionised things by moving the fryer nearer the grill,” so that it was possible to “keep an eye on the burgers and the chips when pouring a banana milkshake.”

Benjamin is “An excellent host,” but is “clearly not a fan of Monty Python’s Life of Brian.” A fish casserole was served up for dinner and afterwards someone remarked “That piece of halibut was good enough for Jehovah!” Obama, Sarkozy and David Cameron, “All laughed and spent the next ten minutes listing what the Romans did for us,” whilst Benjamin “Just sat there with a face as long a horse.”

“He was probably more of an eat-out guy than someone who would sit in and chat with his friends”.

iPhone bereavement hotline set up as Samsung outsells Apple

Shockiphone4-broken

Recently released sales figures had Apple corp. rapidly expanding their Indian call-centre operations as news that Samsung managed to outsell the iPhone earlier this year hit home. Apple fan James Frank was left “Dazed and confused,” as he was left considering “whether I should be stocking up on beans and sardines again,” like he did “right before the Y2K millennium bug hit.” Already reeling from the news that Steve Jobs is “No longer around to give me confidence in my purchases,” James has been phoning the helpline “Every other hour since the news broke.” This is partly down to the fact that “I can’t understand a word they’re bloody saying.”

Call centre worker Bob Patel told us that call volumes have “Increased five-fold,” that most callers are “in tears and a state of mild depression,” and also that “One person called up to say they were sharpening the edges of their iPad to slit their own throat with.” The caller was tactfully reminded that “such activities would probably invalidate the warranty.”

Courage

James remembers the times when he could “Sit on the train safe in the knowledge that my choice of smartphone was the right one,” and that he would “Wield those apple-white earphones with pride.” In an effort to regain the confidence of the past he has been “Re-watching old clips of Apple Expo,” and making sure that “my turtle-neck sweater is properly starched.”

A Samsung spokesmen told us that whilst the company was pleased with the news, he conceded that “We can’t sit back and relax just yet,” as “Apple fans are already organising themselves and prowling around our in-shop display stands. I think they’re looking for weaknesses as they’re roaring and flexing their claws like the velociraptors from Jurassic Park.”

James Frank spoke philosophically as he explained “This must be how Austin Powers felt when he lost his mojo.”

Window cleaner sees fewer naked chicks, quits job in protest

window cleanerPeeping
36-year old window cleaner David Simmons sensationally quit his minimum wage job after getting fed up with “Not seeing as many naked chicks as I used to.” David acknowledges that “times are tough for everyone,” so maybe people “just don’t feel confident about walking around completely naked these days,” but that “Enough is enough.” David told us “I’ve seen some great sights in all my years doing this job. I remember back in 1992 I saw 22-year old student Hayley Barb in her bra. She was a real hot bit of crumpet I can tell you and all the other lads were really jealous when I told them about it afterwards. They nicknamed me ‘Dirty Dave’ after that, a name that I am still proud of to this day.”

Soon after getting the job, David “started keeping a diary of everything interesting I saw,” something which he says marked him out as “A true professional dedicated to my craft as it’s one of the things that marked me out as the best,” he told us. “The lads would try and outdo me with tales of seeing Mrs Jenkins bending over or Mr Davorak pissing in the corner whilst drunk, but none of them had any proof of it. Any time someone doubted me I would just whip out the diary and show them.”

Downfall
When camera phones first started appearing on the market, David was “Very, very excited,” but decided to “Wait a few years because the early ones were a bit rubbish.” For a while, David’s status fell as “Everyone else jumped right onto the camera phone bandwagon,” and “even a blurry, grainy colour picture of a fully clothed middle aged woman was worth a lot in them days.” The moment the iPhone went on sale David knew his time had come and he “Queued up outside Carphone Warehouse for a solid eight hours to get one,” and then “Went straight out to work, I had my bucket and squeegee with me the whole time.”

Despite quickly regaining his status, things “changed within a couple of years,” as “The hunters over-fished the seas, if you catch my drift.” Everywhere David looked “Someone was up a ladder and pointing their phone at something. People soon wised up, which was a real shame.” A bitter David then said, “You know, it’s like they betrayed us as seeing naked chicks was an unspoken perk of the job. Yeah, you paid £1.15 per set of windows cleaned, but the ‘wink-wink, nudge-nudge’ part of the deal was the occasional glimpse of someone in their underwear and they went back on their side of the bargain.”

“Well, let them reap what they sow because I’m done with the industry.”

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