Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Nurse Ratched New Year

Hey ho, people. Yes, nurse ratchedit’s well past mid-January so the year isn’t new anymore but I have been away; been busy. A band of roving gypsies recently turned up on a village green and so I was called in to help get rid of them. It was a lovely little place actually and they invited me along to Sunday service at the church. One of the choir members ruined it by singing out of tune so I decided to burn the entire village down – the sound of their screaming was marvellous.

Dear Nurse Ratched

After gorging on cheesecake, beer, and cheese over the Xmas period, I put on a fair bit of weight. I have been trying to shift it and get back down to my normal size, but I am finding it difficult. What should I do?

First of all, you should utterly ashamed of yourself. I recommend sleeping outside in the garden for a week or so, preferably next to any rabidly aggressive ant colonies that may be in the vicinity. With regards to weight loss your arse is no doubt a heavy beast so I recommend sandpapering it down a bit. It will sting at first but it won’t be long before your body’s natural pain suppressant kicks in. If it doesn’t kick in then you will probably pass out and slip into a coma. If that doesn’t work you should kill yourself.

Dear Nurse Ratched

After gorging on cheesecake, beer and cheese over the Xmas period I put on a fair bit of weight. I have been trying to shift it and get back down to my normal size but I am finding it hard. What should I do?

Okay sonny, you’ve made me angry now. Did you think I wouldn’t notice this? Do you think I’m stupid? I hate queue jumpers, I hate gluttony, and I hate you. Although I hate everything by default but you have managed to actually piss me off. I will make sure your car never starts; your socks will always be odd, just like your face; your hair will always be on fire; dog shit will be a permanent feature on your doorstep and you will never, ever be able to use a hammer and nail without bludgeoning your fingers into a useless pulp. You should kill yourself.

13 responses to “Nurse Ratched New Year

  1. kickingsport 01/20/2012 at 11:34 AM

    Who knew a duplicated e-mail could have such fatal repercussions? A warning to us all! Thank you Nurse Ratched.

  2. AgrippingLife 01/20/2012 at 12:25 PM

    LOL! “Your arse is no doubt a heavy beast so I recommend sandpapering it down a bit.” haha! If only it were that easy! Nurse Ratched is a witchy woman, for sure. So mean. I’m glad she’s not my mother.

  3. nancyelizabethlauzon 01/20/2012 at 3:09 PM

    Nurse Ratched is the best! I wish I had been more like her when I was a nurse back in the day. She didn’t take crap from anyone.

    • Michael Cargill 01/21/2012 at 5:49 PM

      Hello Elizabeth! I believe this is your first comment on my blog. Welcome.

      The positive reaction to Nurse Ratched always surprises me to be honest. They are quite fun to write so I am always happy to oblige.

  4. mooselicker 01/20/2012 at 11:34 PM

    This makes me want to watch Cuckoo’s Nest again. Did you ever read the book? I only ask because that’s one of only a few “classic” books that I ever actually did read.

    • Michael Cargill 01/21/2012 at 5:51 PM

      I haven’t actually, is it any good? I usually can’t bothered reading the classics, they strike me as being laborious to get through.

      Charles Dickens can poo off.

      • noonebutabloghead 01/27/2012 at 9:55 AM

        The book’s fantastic – quite trippy in it’s way. It’s told from the Chief’s perspective…and well, he’s just a little bit mad in a way that doesn’t come across in the film.

  5. No Blog Intended 01/21/2012 at 2:00 PM

    Such a delight to see her again! SHe’s right to not laugh over that duplicated e-mail. Where’s the respect gone?

    • Michael Cargill 01/21/2012 at 5:52 PM

      Exactly my dear NBI. There just aint any respect in some quarters these days.

      I am glad you and her see eye-to-eye. See my joke there? Your pic is an eye and I said-

      Oh never mind.

  6. noonebutabloghead 01/27/2012 at 9:53 AM

    Harsh but fair. I like this Nurse Ratched – any idea if she’s single?

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