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Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.
Hey ho, people. Yes, it’s well past mid-January so the year isn’t new anymore but I have been away; been busy. A band of roving gypsies recently turned up on a village green and so I was called in to help get rid of them. It was a lovely little place actually and they invited me along to Sunday service at the church. One of the choir members ruined it by singing out of tune so I decided to burn the entire village down – the sound of their screaming was marvellous.
Dear Nurse Ratched
After gorging on cheesecake, beer, and cheese over the Xmas period, I put on a fair bit of weight. I have been trying to shift it and get back down to my normal size, but I am finding it difficult. What should I do?
First of all, you should utterly ashamed of yourself. I recommend sleeping outside in the garden for a week or so, preferably next to any rabidly aggressive ant colonies that may be in the vicinity. With regards to weight loss your arse is no doubt a heavy beast so I recommend sandpapering it down a bit. It will sting at first but it won’t be long before your body’s natural pain suppressant kicks in. If it doesn’t kick in then you will probably pass out and slip into a coma. If that doesn’t work you should kill yourself.
Dear Nurse Ratched
After gorging on cheesecake, beer and cheese over the Xmas period I put on a fair bit of weight. I have been trying to shift it and get back down to my normal size but I am finding it hard. What should I do?
Okay sonny, you’ve made me angry now. Did you think I wouldn’t notice this? Do you think I’m stupid? I hate queue jumpers, I hate gluttony, and I hate you. Although I hate everything by default but you have managed to actually piss me off. I will make sure your car never starts; your socks will always be odd, just like your face; your hair will always be on fire; dog shit will be a permanent feature on your doorstep and you will never, ever be able to use a hammer and nail without bludgeoning your fingers into a useless pulp. You should kill yourself.