Samantha Brick does your horoscopes

Hi there, fans and admirers. I’m in a bit of delicate mood at the moment as a cat was sitting in my garden earlier. I quickly nipped into the shower, put on some make-up, ironed my stockings, and then when I popped out to say hello the feline disappeared! Why would it do that? Why are some cats so jealous of me when I spruce myself up a bit? It must have been a female cat. If it had been a tomcat he would have left me a nice dead mouse or something as a present.

Pisces, Taurus, Gemini

There’s a documentary about the suffragettes on BBC1 this week. I’m not going to watch it as I always feel uncomfortable when there are too many women in my front room. There will always be one who drinks too much and tries to turn the others against me when they see me flirting with their husbands. You lot should be fine though.

Cancer, Leo, Scorpio

The Bank of Nigeria is setting up a new branch in your area so you should check it out. I’m already one step ahead of the game as a nice Nigerian prince emailed me specifically asking me for my bank account details. I was completely flattered with the attention and it gave me a nice glow all day, meaning I can just sit back and let the lovely kind man take care of it all for me.

Capricorn, Aquarius, Libra

The Royal Scots Dragoon Guards are putting on a concert this week. I went backstage and met them once and they were very flattering – told me I was full of hot air like their bagpipes, which was obviously a compliment as I wearing my new push-up bra. Although the show is good there isn’t any point you paying extra to go backstage as they’d just ignore the likes of you.

Virgo, Sagittarius, Aries

I suggest going to the Natural History Museum in London as I had my ovaries surgically removed and put up on display there; think of it as a kind of modern day Turin Shroud. I have asked them to cordon off an area of about 20 foot around the display, lest anyone gets overpowered by my ovarian aura if they get too close.

Beauty Baggins fortune tells

The daylight-saving clocks-going-back-an-hour thingy means an extra hour in bed. Huzzah! Thing is, the owner of my local shop got it the wrong way round and opened an hour later. What a pleb, I was standing there in me slippers for ages.

Pisces, Taurus, Gemini

Go to the bakers and buy one of those steak slices. Look, I don’t know what they call them. Steak bakes, steak supreme, steak pie, all the bloody same. Smear the contents all over the floor and convince old people that a dog was in there earlier and did a doo-doo everywhere. Wait to see if any of the blokes put their coats down on the floor so the women don’t ruin their shoes.

Cancer, Leo, Scorpio

Have you ever built a wall? You should learn to build a wall. Start off with just big piles of leaves or something to get the neighbours used to the boundary markers and then after a few days bung some logs down as well. Budget allowing, you could attempt to erect a massive concrete wall about 15-feet high. Encourage the neighbours to graffiti their side of it and you have your very own mini Berlin Wall.

Capricorn, Aquarius, Libra

Try and get a rumour going about your local area. Something like ‘roaming pervert dwarves at night,’ for instance. Start talking about it on that Twitter bollocks and set up a Wikipedia page. Talk to the neighbours about it and organise a meeting at the town hall. Write to that overweight self-serving local Labour MP of yours and get him involved too. Then move house and start all over again.

Virgo, Sagittarius, Aries

“Oops I did it again,” Britney Spears once sang before she shaved her head and turned mental. Anyway, what with Halloween coming up you might want to make sure you greet the kids with a bit more enthusiasm this time around. Last year they egged your house and slashed your car tyres after you answered the door in your underpants.