Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Tag Archives: sloth

Beauty Baggins’ horoscopes

I got a new flavour of porridge the other day. It hahoroscopesd a nice box and so I thought “Why not?” and bought it instead of getting me usual brand. I mixed it up and noticed that the texture was smoother than the old one and I couldn’t wait to try it out. After bunging it in the microwave for 3 minutes it came out looking bloody marvellous and I decided to put some on my face to see if it was good for me skin. Anyway, I forgot all about it and three hours later it was stuck fast like lumpy superglue. I had to sit in the bath for 3 hours to soak it off… a bath of petrol that is.

Pisces, Taurus, Gemini

Do you like salami? No? Pepperami? Still no? Well what about ham? No again…? Are you a vegetarian? Oh, for goodness sake! Well, just have some beans then but everyone else should pop down to their local supermarket and stock up – Dr Doolittle has been taken sick so there might be a shortage of meat for a while and you don’t want to be serving cheese on toast at that dinner party you’re hosting next week.

Cancer, Leo, Scorpio

If you haven’t got around to washing your windows recently I suggest that you do so. It’s a boring and tedious job but you’ll reap the benefits soon enough. Imagine that you fell and hit your head whilst watching TV or making yourself a sandwich in the kitchen – when the neighbours start peeking in through your windows you don’t want their view blocked with all that grime that has been building up.

Capricorn, Aquarius, Libra

Do you drink your tea in a mug or in a dainty little cup? I bet you cup-users even have a little saucer as well and sip at it as if you’re a special little princess. Man, you lot piss me off you do – just use a mug like the rest of us. Throw those cups and saucers away and you now have loads of extra cupboard space. See? No doubt you will soon fall back into your hoarding ways and fill the shelves with Weetabix or something equally pointless.

Virgo, Sagittarius, Aries

I watched a Batman film the other day. It was great stuff, all dark and moody and everything. There was this one bit, where he did a double-backflip somersault off a table and swung off the lightshade thing on the ceiling. Contrary to how easy it looks in the film, it’s actually bloody hard to do yourself – I’ve had this crick in my neck ever since and it makes looking up at the menu in McDonalds really tricky.

Beauty Baggins talks Zodiac

What’s all thishoroscopes Movember nonsense then, eh? Charity? Everyone who takes part ends up looking like a pervert or a tramp. I hope there aren’t any teachers taking part in it or they might end up getting arrested, beaten up, or promoted to head master.

Pisces, Taurus, Gemini

Net curtains make an ideal fishnet substitute so if you live near the coast you can try and catch a dolphin. Dolphins are supposed to really intelligent so you could probably get a clever idea from them and then try to patent it. If you don’t live near the coast you could try making a parachute or something else instead.

Cancer, Leo, Scorpio

Everyone likes BBQs so you should have a BBQ. Invite some friends, have a few beers, and hope no-one dies of food poisoning. You will be the talk of the town with your generosity and may even get a mention in the local paper. However, if it rains everyone will hate you so plan things carefully.

Capricorn, Aquarius, Libra

Do you suffer from having chronic itchiness inside your ears? Cotton wool buds not reaching far enough? Then get a packet of frankfurters and use a butter knife to whittle yourself a handy inner-ear itcher. If a bit breaks off don’t panic as sausages decompose relatively quickly.

Virgo, Sagittarius, Aries

Yoghurt. Such an inane type of food especially plain yoghurt. What’s the point? Just have some milk or a bag of jelly babies instead. I recommend changing your diet and some buying liquorice – it will make mealtimes more interesting and also doubles up as an environmentally friendly alternative to after-dinner mints.

Beauty Baggins fortune tells

The daylight-saving clocks-going-back-an-hour thoroscopeshingy means an extra hour in bed. Huzzah! Thing is, the owner of my local shop got it the wrong way round and opened an hour later. What a pleb, I was standing there in me slippers for ages.

Pisces, Taurus, Gemini

Go to the bakers and buy one of those steak slices. Look, I don’t know what they call them. Steak bakes, steak supreme, steak pie, all the bloody same. Smear the contents all over the floor and convince old people that a dog was in there earlier and did a doo-doo everywhere. Wait to see if any of the blokes put their coats down on the floor so the women don’t ruin their shoes.

Cancer, Leo, Scorpio

Have you ever built a wall? You should learn to build a wall. Start off with just big piles of leaves or something to get the neighbours used to the boundary markers and then after a few days bung some logs down as well. Budget allowing, you could attempt to erect a massive concrete wall about 15-feet high. Encourage the neighbours to graffiti their side of it and you have your very own mini Berlin Wall.

Capricorn, Aquarius, Libra

Try and get a rumour going about your local area. Something like ‘roaming pervert dwarves at night,’ for instance. Start talking about it on that Twitter bollocks and set up a Wikipedia page. Talk to the neighbours about it and organise a meeting at the town hall. Write to that overweight self-serving local Labour MP of yours and get him involved too. Then move house and start all over again.

Virgo, Sagittarius, Aries

“Oops I did it again,” Britney Spears once sang before she shaved her head and turned mental. Anyway, what with Halloween coming up you might want to make sure you greet the kids with a bit more enthusiasm this time around. Last year they egged your house and slashed your car tyres after you answered the door in your underpants.

Beauty Baggins has your Zodiacs

Morning kids, how are things? I entehoroscopesred myself into a gardening competition the other day. Now, I am usually rubbish at gardening and my horticultural skills tend to begin and end with pouring weed killer over everything, but the prize is a 2000 watt Flymo Chopatron lawnmower. It sounds bloody marvellous.

Pisces, Taurus, Gemini

You should either grow a beard or purchase a fake one this week. What with the rising food prices, they make ideal ‘stray food catchers’ so if you get hungry you can just have a munch on that sausage that fell out of your mouth earlier in the day. Or you could just refrain from burping so much whilst you eat your dinner, the choice is yours.

Cancer, Leo, Scorpio

Do you like watching Formula 1 races? You do? What an immensely boring person you must be. Get yourself outside and do something for once. Either repair the puncture on your bike, or, if your bike is working fine, give it a puncture and go for a walk instead. Go to a shopping centre and put bits of bubble wrap on the floor to see how many old people you can scare shitless.

Capricorn, Aquarius, Libra

Hamsters like sunflower seeds, chimpanzees like bananas, and you like sugar in your tea and coffee. You should write a book and call it something like ‘Typical eating habits of the daft, the stupid, and the hairy,” it would be a best seller. Any profits would be wiped out with you repeatedly buying a copy for yourself, though.

Virgo, Sagittarius, Aries

The tree that is near the front of your house is looking a bit dangerous these days. Before cutting it down, you should try and make a tree house in it and hold a street BBQ for the locals. If anyone gets injured you can all claim compensation from the council and get the tree chopped down for free as well. It’s win-win all round.

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