Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Tag Archives: zodiac

A Walmart store does your horoscopes

walmartHey there my little humanoid friends, how are you? I’m sad to say that it’s been fairly mundane for most of this week – other than a family of uglies who were desperate for an extra-large bag of cheesy sticks and a Harry Potter book, no-one has done anything outlandish so far. Mind you, that family were all in their pyjamas so I guess I get extra points for that. They wanted to pay for everything in vouchers as well, bleurgh! Call me old fashioned but I prefer my tills being filled with hard cash; there’s less chance of a coin being used as toilet paper.

Pisces, Taurus, Gemini

You know when your backdoors suddenly stop working for no reason? One morning you just wake up and the buggers won’t budge, no matter how much you prod and poke at them. Yep, that’s right, you got constipation and I recommend you give the GO-NOW ex-lax tablets a shot. Aisle 14, shelf 5.

Cancer, Leo, Scorpio

I’m feeling generous so if you are moving house this week I will let you borrow one of the shopping trolleys that have been left stranded out in the car park. Don’t go abusing this offer though – I don’t want you returning it with a wobbly wheel or using it as a BBQ grill. And if I catch you dumping it in a river I’ll come and break your legs. Capiche?

Capricorn, Aquarius, Libra

Those damn kids have been at the fire extinguishers again and got water everywhere. I swear, one day I will refill them with fart gas and THEN we will see who has the last laugh. Anyway, if you need to mop up any spills then I recommend the tea towels as they are on offer at the moment. They are right next to the beef jerky corn dogs over on aisle 20.

Virgo, Sagittarius, Aries

Argh, who knocked down that big stack of baked beans? I bet it was that miserable git in the wheelchair again, he’s a disgrace to humanity and I swear he steals things as well. If you need legal advice, check out the ambulance chaser who hovers around the toilet waiting for someone to slip over. And stop looking at me, I hate you.

Vladimir Putin does the horoscopes

Comrades. As the new and rightful lePutinader I here to tell you what is what. I divide you up by star sign and then say what is happen. You must not try to get out of it or else man who wrestle bear for fun will come and find you. I sometime wrestle bear for fun and I teach other mans who like to wrestle how to do it too. We have fun and shoot guns for fun as well. Then we practise putting people in cage and no feed them for six weeks; is fun.

Pisces, Taurus, Gemini

Your favourite TV programme have special omnibus special this week. Omnibus is now cancel so you do something else instead and I suggest learning Judo for fun or maybe even make mashed potato for local bear wrestling club. For every 500 potatoes you peel, get free bullet for gun of my choice.

Cancer, Leo, Scorpio

Favourite vending machine at work is now changed – no more vending Coca Cola and Scampi Snacks, but bricks and cyanide instead. Price is doubled too. You buy brick and donate to local martial art dojo so they buy cages for bears. Cyanide is for killing rats in house. You say you no have rats? You will soon, so buy quick before cyanide run out.

Capricorn, Aquarius, Libra

I see you have nice shampoo in bathroom. Soon, shampoo not be in stock in shop so you have better shampoo instead. Is black in colour and can be use for paint or wash car as well. It is like hair dye too, which is good as I like sexy brunette very much. Soon, all lady have sexy brunette hair.

Virgo, Sagittarius, Aries

You have nice wallpaper and pictures up in house. Is nice but you take down soon. Everyone having nice and smart grey concrete walls and lights with no lampshade, which be good practice for when you get arrest and put in prison for being spy. I know you spy as you have pet rabbit or dog instead of have bear to practice wrestling on.

More horoscopes with Beauty Baggins

I got a new mobile phone the other day and what a marvellous little dhoroscopesevice it is. I can take photos of my penis and stick them up all along my road at night. I overheard some people talking about it in the local shop this morning. I crept up on them, hoping to hear tales of anguish and outrage, but they thought they were pictures of walnuts! Stupid bloody old people.

Pisces, Taurus, Gemini

There is going to be locust storm in your area soon and I recommend putting bin liners up in the trees to try and slow them down. You might want to cover yourself in double-sided sticky tape as well in case the swarming starts when you are out getting some milk or whatever it is you buy in that shifty-looking shop on the corner. Seriously, why does everyone always walk out of there holding a brown paper bag? Doesn’t make sense.

Cancer, Leo, Scorpio

How often do you eat a banana? Once a day? More than once a day? You beast! No wonder my local Tesco keeps running out of them. Cut back so the rest of us get a chance to enjoy this potassium-rich treat. I don’t like kiwi fruits so have one of those instead. You can even use the skin as a fake beard if you are that way inclined.

Capricorn, Aquarius, Libra

“A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush,” so the saying goes. Yeah? Well my niece was sick all over me at the weekend and it would have been much better if she had done it in a bush. It’s one rule for the 17th century philosophers and another rule for the rest.

Virgo, Sagittarius, Aries

Mickey Mouse? Bloody Bastard more like. I had to wear a costume for a kid’s party once and after about 30 minutes I passed out due to the heat. How come Mickey himself never had this problem? Disney must have had the squeaky-voiced twat jacked up on drugs and ice cubes or something. It would certainly explain the smile that was etched permanently on his face.

Beauty Baggins’ horoscopes

I got a new flavour of porridge the other day. It hahoroscopesd a nice box and so I thought “Why not?” and bought it instead of getting me usual brand. I mixed it up and noticed that the texture was smoother than the old one and I couldn’t wait to try it out. After bunging it in the microwave for 3 minutes it came out looking bloody marvellous and I decided to put some on my face to see if it was good for me skin. Anyway, I forgot all about it and three hours later it was stuck fast like lumpy superglue. I had to sit in the bath for 3 hours to soak it off… a bath of petrol that is.

Pisces, Taurus, Gemini

Do you like salami? No? Pepperami? Still no? Well what about ham? No again…? Are you a vegetarian? Oh, for goodness sake! Well, just have some beans then but everyone else should pop down to their local supermarket and stock up – Dr Doolittle has been taken sick so there might be a shortage of meat for a while and you don’t want to be serving cheese on toast at that dinner party you’re hosting next week.

Cancer, Leo, Scorpio

If you haven’t got around to washing your windows recently I suggest that you do so. It’s a boring and tedious job but you’ll reap the benefits soon enough. Imagine that you fell and hit your head whilst watching TV or making yourself a sandwich in the kitchen – when the neighbours start peeking in through your windows you don’t want their view blocked with all that grime that has been building up.

Capricorn, Aquarius, Libra

Do you drink your tea in a mug or in a dainty little cup? I bet you cup-users even have a little saucer as well and sip at it as if you’re a special little princess. Man, you lot piss me off you do – just use a mug like the rest of us. Throw those cups and saucers away and you now have loads of extra cupboard space. See? No doubt you will soon fall back into your hoarding ways and fill the shelves with Weetabix or something equally pointless.

Virgo, Sagittarius, Aries

I watched a Batman film the other day. It was great stuff, all dark and moody and everything. There was this one bit, where he did a double-backflip somersault off a table and swung off the lightshade thing on the ceiling. Contrary to how easy it looks in the film, it’s actually bloody hard to do yourself – I’ve had this crick in my neck ever since and it makes looking up at the menu in McDonalds really tricky.

Beauty Baggins new year

New year, new stuff! Huzzah! Out with the old and inhoroscopes with the new… and how I wish I could do that with my miserable bastard in-laws. I’ve actually decided to give next-door’s cat a fresh start. I’ve become bored of the turf wars and it would make life easier for both of us if we could just get along. Ah, there he is now in fact. Sauntering along the wall as deft as, well, as a cat. Oh, he jumped down again… just look at the cute little devil pawing curiously at the earth… and now he’s squatting down… what is he- oy! Clear off you feral little bastard and do your business somewhere else! God, I hate the furry twat.

Pisces, Taurus, Gemini

Make sure you check out all the sales as there are plenty of bargains to be had. No, I don’t mean nonsense like handbags and power drills, I mean the HDMI cables that go in your TV. Get rid of the cheap and nasty ones you use and buy the decent ones whilst they are on offer – at half a month’s wages they simply can’t be ignored! And stop looking at me like that. If you’re going to watch Big Brother and Oprah at least sort your equipment out.

Cancer, Leo, Scorpio

Do you drink coffee? You should do as it’s great for helping you operate heavy machinery late at night. A delivery truck is going to crash and overturn in your area this week so I suggest that you prime and oil your most rugged shopping trolley and get ready to smash and grab your way to caffeine excess. Take a brolly as well so you can fight off that fat cow from over the road.

Capricorn, Aquarius, Libra

Kids love Lego; I love Lego; Hoovers hate it. Solve this dilemma by laying plastic sheets all over your house. Come hovering time at the end of the week, just gather the sheets up and throw them away – your hoover will be ever so thankful to you. You might need to get another box for the plastic recycling though.

Virgo, Sagittarius, Aries

I believe it’s time to clear out that loft of yours. Make sure you go up there quietly and slowly, so as not to disturb the giant wasp’s nest that’s perched delicately above the entrance. Don’t trip over the Sodastream machine that you got for Xmas back in 1984 either. Right, that box of yo-yos over in the corner? Get it and get it quickly, before you get stung. Good. Remember that your hand co-ordination is awful and yo-yos are for idiots so throw them all away you awful, awful person.

Beauty Baggins is here with cheer

Yeah, it’s getting cold now and that’s annoying onhoroscopes my face when I have just had a shave. I had a great idea of smearing my face with Vaseline to cancel out the wind chill, but the lifeguards threw me out when I went to the swimming pool in the afternoon. It’s one rule for those with beards and another rule for the rest of us.

Pisces, Taurus, Gemini

“A finger of Fudge is just enough to give your kids a treat,” so went the advert for Fudge chocolate bars. If your family are having a 19th century themed Christmas then you should heed this advice otherwise steer well clear of such miserly nonsense… unless you enjoy bullying your kids of course.

Cancer, Leo, Scorpio

“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” Yeah, right. Tell that to the kids in the orphanage who took my joke letter from Santa too seriously. Tempting as it is, I advise against telling dozens of kids that Santa hates them and that he won’t be doing any more house visits.

Capricorn, Aquarius, Libra

“The world was made in seven days,” so said my Sunday school teacher. I then asked why it takes Santa a bloody year to deliver a wonky Bugs Bunny toy to me and the miserable sod told me never to come back. Parents should be wary of mixing religion and children for the next few weeks.

Virgo, Sagittarius, Aries

“Fee-fi-fo-fum,” said the Giant to Jack as he glanced up at the beanstalk. Tip for parents: if your kid is playing one of the three wise men in a nativity play, make sure he knows his lines and doesn’t decide to ad-lib something extra in. He will be a social outcast for months otherwise.

Beauty Baggins talks Zodiac

What’s all thishoroscopes Movember nonsense then, eh? Charity? Everyone who takes part ends up looking like a pervert or a tramp. I hope there aren’t any teachers taking part in it or they might end up getting arrested, beaten up, or promoted to head master.

Pisces, Taurus, Gemini

Net curtains make an ideal fishnet substitute so if you live near the coast you can try and catch a dolphin. Dolphins are supposed to really intelligent so you could probably get a clever idea from them and then try to patent it. If you don’t live near the coast you could try making a parachute or something else instead.

Cancer, Leo, Scorpio

Everyone likes BBQs so you should have a BBQ. Invite some friends, have a few beers, and hope no-one dies of food poisoning. You will be the talk of the town with your generosity and may even get a mention in the local paper. However, if it rains everyone will hate you so plan things carefully.

Capricorn, Aquarius, Libra

Do you suffer from having chronic itchiness inside your ears? Cotton wool buds not reaching far enough? Then get a packet of frankfurters and use a butter knife to whittle yourself a handy inner-ear itcher. If a bit breaks off don’t panic as sausages decompose relatively quickly.

Virgo, Sagittarius, Aries

Yoghurt. Such an inane type of food especially plain yoghurt. What’s the point? Just have some milk or a bag of jelly babies instead. I recommend changing your diet and some buying liquorice – it will make mealtimes more interesting and also doubles up as an environmentally friendly alternative to after-dinner mints.

Beauty Baggins fortune tells

The daylight-saving clocks-going-back-an-hour thoroscopeshingy means an extra hour in bed. Huzzah! Thing is, the owner of my local shop got it the wrong way round and opened an hour later. What a pleb, I was standing there in me slippers for ages.

Pisces, Taurus, Gemini

Go to the bakers and buy one of those steak slices. Look, I don’t know what they call them. Steak bakes, steak supreme, steak pie, all the bloody same. Smear the contents all over the floor and convince old people that a dog was in there earlier and did a doo-doo everywhere. Wait to see if any of the blokes put their coats down on the floor so the women don’t ruin their shoes.

Cancer, Leo, Scorpio

Have you ever built a wall? You should learn to build a wall. Start off with just big piles of leaves or something to get the neighbours used to the boundary markers and then after a few days bung some logs down as well. Budget allowing, you could attempt to erect a massive concrete wall about 15-feet high. Encourage the neighbours to graffiti their side of it and you have your very own mini Berlin Wall.

Capricorn, Aquarius, Libra

Try and get a rumour going about your local area. Something like ‘roaming pervert dwarves at night,’ for instance. Start talking about it on that Twitter bollocks and set up a Wikipedia page. Talk to the neighbours about it and organise a meeting at the town hall. Write to that overweight self-serving local Labour MP of yours and get him involved too. Then move house and start all over again.

Virgo, Sagittarius, Aries

“Oops I did it again,” Britney Spears once sang before she shaved her head and turned mental. Anyway, what with Halloween coming up you might want to make sure you greet the kids with a bit more enthusiasm this time around. Last year they egged your house and slashed your car tyres after you answered the door in your underpants.

Beauty Baggins has your Zodiacs

Morning kids, how are things? I entehoroscopesred myself into a gardening competition the other day. Now, I am usually rubbish at gardening and my horticultural skills tend to begin and end with pouring weed killer over everything, but the prize is a 2000 watt Flymo Chopatron lawnmower. It sounds bloody marvellous.

Pisces, Taurus, Gemini

You should either grow a beard or purchase a fake one this week. What with the rising food prices, they make ideal ‘stray food catchers’ so if you get hungry you can just have a munch on that sausage that fell out of your mouth earlier in the day. Or you could just refrain from burping so much whilst you eat your dinner, the choice is yours.

Cancer, Leo, Scorpio

Do you like watching Formula 1 races? You do? What an immensely boring person you must be. Get yourself outside and do something for once. Either repair the puncture on your bike, or, if your bike is working fine, give it a puncture and go for a walk instead. Go to a shopping centre and put bits of bubble wrap on the floor to see how many old people you can scare shitless.

Capricorn, Aquarius, Libra

Hamsters like sunflower seeds, chimpanzees like bananas, and you like sugar in your tea and coffee. You should write a book and call it something like ‘Typical eating habits of the daft, the stupid, and the hairy,” it would be a best seller. Any profits would be wiped out with you repeatedly buying a copy for yourself, though.

Virgo, Sagittarius, Aries

The tree that is near the front of your house is looking a bit dangerous these days. Before cutting it down, you should try and make a tree house in it and hold a street BBQ for the locals. If anyone gets injured you can all claim compensation from the council and get the tree chopped down for free as well. It’s win-win all round.

Beauty Baggins is your fortune teller

Hello and good day to you all. It’s been fairly brighhoroscopest and sunny these last couple of days, which has allowed me to crack on with some redecorating that I need to do. The warm(ish) afternoons have allowed me to open all the doors and windows to let out the smell of the paint. I’m quite sensitive to the fumes, see – once I got so delirious that I put socks on my ears and invited everyone round for a Christmas BBQ.

Pisces, Taurus, Gemini

This week you should avoid buying anything that has glass in it so no posh bottles of water for the next seven days or so. Technically this also includes train tickets because the train has glass windows and scientists will need to do non-radioactive things, whilst double-glazing salesman can just go jump off a cliff as far as I’m concerned. You can all shush your grumbling because it’s in aid of ‘Save the Dolphins Week’.

Cancer, Leo, Scorpio

All those old car tyres you have in your garage? Bung ‘em in the garden and have a nice hot fire. Any old tins of paint can be chucked in there as well. The arid stench will reach across at least three towns and the tyres make a fantastically weird noise as they burn, so locals and strangers alike will be able to join in with the fun. Screw the dolphins, it’s all about holes in the ozone layer and soaking up those rays these days.

Capricorn, Aquarius, Libra

Start up a new animal charity because, as far as I am concerned, there is no equality in this sector. Everyone goes on and on about the dolphins, yet I never hear so much as a peep about the squirrels… and I bloody love squirrels and I want one as a pet. I tried growing a tree in my house and sowed some peanuts about the place as bait, but the wife threatened to leave me if I didn’t stop being such an idiot. Anyone fancy swapping a squirrel for my wife? She makes a cracking cup of tea.

Virgo, Sagittarius, Aries

Right, you lot clearly use the Internet. There are plenty of ways to make money on the Internet with one of the most popular being a columnist or a writer for a web page… or maybe even being a fortune teller on a blog *cough*. Well, whatever you do, don’t ever try to sell, swap, or otherwise disparage your loved ones on said column or blog section – frying pans are lethal weapons and bad for one’s health if used incorrectly.

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