Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Beauty Baggins fortune tells

The daylight-saving clocks-going-back-an-hour thoroscopeshingy means an extra hour in bed. Huzzah! Thing is, the owner of my local shop got it the wrong way round and opened an hour later. What a pleb, I was standing there in me slippers for ages.

Pisces, Taurus, Gemini

Go to the bakers and buy one of those steak slices. Look, I don’t know what they call them. Steak bakes, steak supreme, steak pie, all the bloody same. Smear the contents all over the floor and convince old people that a dog was in there earlier and did a doo-doo everywhere. Wait to see if any of the blokes put their coats down on the floor so the women don’t ruin their shoes.

Cancer, Leo, Scorpio

Have you ever built a wall? You should learn to build a wall. Start off with just big piles of leaves or something to get the neighbours used to the boundary markers and then after a few days bung some logs down as well. Budget allowing, you could attempt to erect a massive concrete wall about 15-feet high. Encourage the neighbours to graffiti their side of it and you have your very own mini Berlin Wall.

Capricorn, Aquarius, Libra

Try and get a rumour going about your local area. Something like ‘roaming pervert dwarves at night,’ for instance. Start talking about it on that Twitter bollocks and set up a Wikipedia page. Talk to the neighbours about it and organise a meeting at the town hall. Write to that overweight self-serving local Labour MP of yours and get him involved too. Then move house and start all over again.

Virgo, Sagittarius, Aries

“Oops I did it again,” Britney Spears once sang before she shaved her head and turned mental. Anyway, what with Halloween coming up you might want to make sure you greet the kids with a bit more enthusiasm this time around. Last year they egged your house and slashed your car tyres after you answered the door in your underpants.

7 responses to “Beauty Baggins fortune tells

  1. kickingsport 10/30/2011 at 1:09 PM

    Ah yes Halloween, just when we thought our society hadn’t degenerated enough as it was. Take care! What constitutes a ‘treat’ to some people might not to others.

  2. robpixaday 10/30/2011 at 2:20 PM

    Gosh, I wish I were a “Cancer, Leo, Scorpio.” Need that wall. Soon.

    LOL esp to the rumor one. Soooooooo tempting!

    (I’m not observing Halloween until the morning after)

  3. motherventing 10/30/2011 at 3:44 PM

    I have a wall. A wall IN MY MIND. A wall of doubt and crushing dejection.

    There are actual walls here, too. Is it absolutely necessary to build any more?

  4. laurenrantnrave 10/30/2011 at 6:48 PM

    I can never remember if we gain or lose an hour, thanks for clarifying that. I don’t know if I can “do do” that thing with the steak slice…

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