Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Tag Archives: cat

Hulk Hogan reviews April Fools

Hi, fans!  Long time no fist bump.HulkHogan

Now, I don’t know about any of you good folks out there but the first time I heard someone mention April Fools, I actually thought they were talking about a type of yoghurt.  I loves myself a nice little pot of yoghurt, ‘specially if it’s apricot flavour, and if anyone fancies posting one out to me I’d be very grateful.  If it’s got bits of appycot mixed in with it then I’ll be your friend for life, no word of a lie.

I decided to do a spot of research on this April Fools business but after wandering around in my bedroom cupboard for a couple of hours I realised it would be best if I asked my nephew about it instead; he might only be seven years old but he goes to school and seems to know just about everything these days.

Imagine my surprise when I discovered that April Fools is just another name for playing pranks on your friends and co-workers, something that I’m quite fond of myself.  It reminded me of that time when I put on me slippers one morning and could feel something sharp moving around under my foot.  At first I thought someone had hidden a speck of grit inside them for a joke but it turned out that I had simply stepped on the cat without noticing.  Poor little mite, his blood and guts were smeared all over the kitchen floor before I noticed him dangling there in between me toes.

My plan for April Fools today is to get meself an appycot yoghurt and fool everyone into thinking that it’s something else entirely!  If I sit over on the other side room, or maybe even hide under the table, they won’t be able to see the label once I’ve turned out the lights.  Then, after putting some in my mouth, I’ll say something like “Gosh darn, this cup of coffee is real nice and doesn’t taste anything like appycot.  No, not even a little bit.”

I’ll have to put the spoon and the empty pot into my pocket afterwards just to keep the joke going, mind.  That’s the one thing I forgot to do when I tried to pull the same prank last Christmas.

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Everyone should brush, floss, and barf thrice daily

brushHi there! My name is David Wrongford and I’m here to tell you all about my innovative new dental routine.

Dental hygiene is important not only for dentists but also for the general wellbeing of society as a whole. I’ll explain my point via the use of an analogy about food: if you bought an apple, you wouldn’t set it down next to another apple that had turned rotten; instead, you’d finish it off before your greedy neighbour noticed it.

See? Makes perfect sense. Food analogies are good because food is tasty and most people will have consumed at least one bit of food at some point in their lives.

My dental routine starts off with three minutes of vigorous brushing, a process that practically guarantees drawing some blood from the stubborn bastards that are my gums. As the saying goes: old enough to bleed, yes indeed. Following on from that, whilst my gums are still screaming furiously at me, I give them a good kicking with the flossing cord – and by Jove do they kick up a stink!  I did ask my dentist if there’s such a thing as barbed flossing wire but he said he didn’t know of any.

Finally, and this is my favourite part, we come to the pisté tea resistancé: the barfing. I select two fingers from my right hand, press the tips of them against the back of my throat, and let the magic of nature do the rest. Out come all those nasty bits of offal from the night before and all of a sudden my head will be spinning with delight and happiness. Don’t be shy or nervous about it, just let it all out. You ever seen a cow do a doo-doo? It just expels it’s nonsense as quick as a flash and carries right on with its business as if nothing happened. In fact cats are a bit like that as well and everyone loves cats.

If you find that a chunk of sweetcorn or a sliver of a noodle gets stuck in between your teeth, don’t worry: I like to leave it there as a final ‘up yours’ to my gums.

Lastly, be sure to ‘go naked’ with your fingers during the barfing stage; I did experiment with some protective sheaths a while ago but found that the rubber kills the sensation somewhat.

Samantha Brick does your horoscopes

samantha brickHi there, fans and admirers. I’m in a bit of delicate mood at the moment as a cat was sitting in my garden earlier. I quickly nipped into the shower, put on some make-up, ironed my stockings, and then when I popped out to say hello the feline disappeared! Why would it do that? Why are some cats so jealous of me when I spruce myself up a bit? It must have been a female cat. If it had been a tomcat he would have left me a nice dead mouse or something as a present.

Pisces, Taurus, Gemini

There’s a documentary about the suffragettes on BBC1 this week. I’m not going to watch it as I always feel uncomfortable when there are too many women in my front room. There will always be one who drinks too much and tries to turn the others against me when they see me flirting with their husbands. You lot should be fine though.

Cancer, Leo, Scorpio

The Bank of Nigeria is setting up a new branch in your area so you should check it out. I’m already one step ahead of the game as a nice Nigerian prince emailed me specifically asking me for my bank account details. I was completely flattered with the attention and it gave me a nice glow all day, meaning I can just sit back and let the lovely kind man take care of it all for me.

Capricorn, Aquarius, Libra

The Royal Scots Dragoon Guards are putting on a concert this week. I went backstage and met them once and they were very flattering – told me I was full of hot air like their bagpipes, which was obviously a compliment as I wearing my new push-up bra. Although the show is good there isn’t any point you paying extra to go backstage as they’d just ignore the likes of you.

Virgo, Sagittarius, Aries

I suggest going to the Natural History Museum in London as I had my ovaries surgically removed and put up on display there; think of it as a kind of modern day Turin Shroud. I have asked them to cordon off an area of about 20 foot around the display, lest anyone gets overpowered by my ovarian aura if they get too close.

Your fortunes with Beauty Baggins

Howdy! The weather ’tis stahoroscopesrting to get chilly in my corner of the globe and the cold saved me from a nasty happenstance when I was putting out the rubbish the other morning. I accidentally trod in some cat sick and it was only the fear of frozen tootsies that made me put shoes on instead of going out barefoot. I hope the wretched feline caught frostbite and died a painful death.

Pisces, Taurus, Gemini

Go to the local stationary shop and buy some red crepe paper. Invite some vegan friends round for lunch and make them a sandwich using the paper as a filling. See if they notice the difference between the paper and the usual ‘bacon substitute’ nonsense they buy in the supermarket. If you don’t live near a stationary shop steal some from a local school or something.

Cancer, Leo, Scorpio

Stock up on big potatoes this week if you can. Not only are they an excellent source of carbohydrates and an ideal meal accompaniment for unimaginative chefs, but they also serve as an ideal substitute for sandbags during any unexpected out-of-season floods that may or not be occurring this week.

Capricorn, Aquarius, Libra

Put the kettle on and make yourself a cup of tea. Okay, now sit down. Feeling peckish? Of course you are so grab yourself a couple of biscuits. For goodness sake have a bloody carrot or something if you are out of biscuits. Right then, next time you go shopping make sure you get the decent blu-tac. I nicked a blob of the cheap guff you got last time and all me posters fell down within the week.

Virgo, Sagittarius, Aries

Judges look awesome and powerful in those white wig things they wear, so I recommend that you acquire your own one somehow. As a last resort you could possibly make one out of toilet rolls and old newspaper. If you ever have a disciplinary meeting with HR then this wig will come in handy as it will give you an extra bit of clout. Most HR employees are clueless so they will think you know all about the law and stuff. Try to avoid banging on the desk and shouting “Hang the bastard!” ‘cos it might ruin the effect, like.

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