Samantha Brick does your horoscopes

Hi there, fans and admirers. I’m in a bit of delicate mood at the moment as a cat was sitting in my garden earlier. I quickly nipped into the shower, put on some make-up, ironed my stockings, and then when I popped out to say hello the feline disappeared! Why would it do that? Why are some cats so jealous of me when I spruce myself up a bit? It must have been a female cat. If it had been a tomcat he would have left me a nice dead mouse or something as a present.

Pisces, Taurus, Gemini

There’s a documentary about the suffragettes on BBC1 this week. I’m not going to watch it as I always feel uncomfortable when there are too many women in my front room. There will always be one who drinks too much and tries to turn the others against me when they see me flirting with their husbands. You lot should be fine though.

Cancer, Leo, Scorpio

The Bank of Nigeria is setting up a new branch in your area so you should check it out. I’m already one step ahead of the game as a nice Nigerian prince emailed me specifically asking me for my bank account details. I was completely flattered with the attention and it gave me a nice glow all day, meaning I can just sit back and let the lovely kind man take care of it all for me.

Capricorn, Aquarius, Libra

The Royal Scots Dragoon Guards are putting on a concert this week. I went backstage and met them once and they were very flattering – told me I was full of hot air like their bagpipes, which was obviously a compliment as I wearing my new push-up bra. Although the show is good there isn’t any point you paying extra to go backstage as they’d just ignore the likes of you.

Virgo, Sagittarius, Aries

I suggest going to the Natural History Museum in London as I had my ovaries surgically removed and put up on display there; think of it as a kind of modern day Turin Shroud. I have asked them to cordon off an area of about 20 foot around the display, lest anyone gets overpowered by my ovarian aura if they get too close.