Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Samantha Brick does your horoscopes

samantha brickHi there, fans and admirers. I’m in a bit of delicate mood at the moment as a cat was sitting in my garden earlier. I quickly nipped into the shower, put on some make-up, ironed my stockings, and then when I popped out to say hello the feline disappeared! Why would it do that? Why are some cats so jealous of me when I spruce myself up a bit? It must have been a female cat. If it had been a tomcat he would have left me a nice dead mouse or something as a present.

Pisces, Taurus, Gemini

There’s a documentary about the suffragettes on BBC1 this week. I’m not going to watch it as I always feel uncomfortable when there are too many women in my front room. There will always be one who drinks too much and tries to turn the others against me when they see me flirting with their husbands. You lot should be fine though.

Cancer, Leo, Scorpio

The Bank of Nigeria is setting up a new branch in your area so you should check it out. I’m already one step ahead of the game as a nice Nigerian prince emailed me specifically asking me for my bank account details. I was completely flattered with the attention and it gave me a nice glow all day, meaning I can just sit back and let the lovely kind man take care of it all for me.

Capricorn, Aquarius, Libra

The Royal Scots Dragoon Guards are putting on a concert this week. I went backstage and met them once and they were very flattering – told me I was full of hot air like their bagpipes, which was obviously a compliment as I wearing my new push-up bra. Although the show is good there isn’t any point you paying extra to go backstage as they’d just ignore the likes of you.

Virgo, Sagittarius, Aries

I suggest going to the Natural History Museum in London as I had my ovaries surgically removed and put up on display there; think of it as a kind of modern day Turin Shroud. I have asked them to cordon off an area of about 20 foot around the display, lest anyone gets overpowered by my ovarian aura if they get too close.

34 responses to “Samantha Brick does your horoscopes

  1. Little Miss 04/07/2012 at 10:30 AM

    So I need to get hold of a Nigerian prince.. I’ll keep a look out!

  2. No Blog Intended 04/07/2012 at 12:18 PM

    I once got a dead mouse too. Sign or real love. I’ll only keep men if they give me a dead mouse.

  3. themiddlestsister 04/07/2012 at 2:07 PM

    Horoscopes, so seductive.

  4. (Just)Above Average Mum 04/07/2012 at 2:20 PM

    I’m can’t wait to see what the Nigerian prince showers me with!

  5. Mooselicker 04/07/2012 at 2:44 PM

    Sloth from the Goonies is still better looking than this Samantha Brick. He’s also much better at predicting my future.

  6. mel 04/07/2012 at 7:36 PM

    Fantastic scopes Ms Brick – I will definitely be visiting the museum of natural history on your recommendation – expect to see neanderthal women covered in fur that will remind me of your uber hotness

    As an obvious fan of Ms Brick – you might like my friend’s post on her – she won w*nker of the week award

  7. motherventing 04/07/2012 at 7:49 PM

    I’m so beautiful I get emails from men demanding sex parties and threesomes every day. Oh. Wait.

  8. Vilipend 04/08/2012 at 12:11 AM

    Hahaha, great post. The best part of her actual article is she said she doesn’t drink, but talked about how bartenders frequently waved her tab.

  9. Lily 04/08/2012 at 2:36 AM

    I don’t know who Samantha Brick is but she talked about pushup bras in mine so I guess that’s good?

    • Michael Cargill 04/08/2012 at 5:24 PM

      Mrs Brick is the lady in the pic. She wrote an article in a paper going on about how beautiful she is and that men are always buying her drinks and stuff. She also claims that all women are jealous of her.

      She was on TV and is rather deluded. Possibly mentally ill.

  10. sadieforsythe 04/08/2012 at 1:51 PM

    Very very funny, I’m on the lookout for my Nigerian prince, or at least bank manager.

  11. Em 04/08/2012 at 4:16 PM

    A Sag here, I’m too far from London or I’d check them out. How I laughed when I read this. You are too funny. No, actually just right. Still laughing. 🙂

  12. Anna 04/08/2012 at 5:06 PM

    Samantha Brick is my hero. I have also nearly drowned in complimentary champagne. I blame my ravishing good looks, odd stockings and ability to belch the alphabet.

  13. Nova Amiko 04/08/2012 at 6:06 PM

    I feel her pain, for I too am gorgeous…

  14. A Gripping Life 04/09/2012 at 10:37 PM

    Some people are named so aptly, could there be a better name for, well, a brick? Even in her picture she looks slightly daft. Hope she stays on your side of the pond.

  15. mumofalltrades1 04/10/2012 at 11:05 AM

    I did feel like a bit of a bitch saying it, but she really is quite ordinary looking. Shes by no means ugly but there is nothing there that you would remark upon at all. I mean I can’t even go to Tesco any more, they just refuse to charge me for all the nappies and fruit shoots, I’m that breathtaking.

    • Michael Cargill 04/10/2012 at 11:21 AM

      Nah, that isn’t a bitchy thing to say at all. If you were saying it to random people in the street then that would be a tad bitchy, but this silly bint went to the papers and talked about her looks.

      Us Brits no likey that.

  16. Addie 04/27/2012 at 8:56 PM

    So like the prince’s email is for real? I sort of spammed it. Ugh, Addie!

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