Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Tag Archives: Horoscopes

Samantha Brick does your horoscopes

samantha brickHi there, fans and admirers. I’m in a bit of delicate mood at the moment as a cat was sitting in my garden earlier. I quickly nipped into the shower, put on some make-up, ironed my stockings, and then when I popped out to say hello the feline disappeared! Why would it do that? Why are some cats so jealous of me when I spruce myself up a bit? It must have been a female cat. If it had been a tomcat he would have left me a nice dead mouse or something as a present.

Pisces, Taurus, Gemini

There’s a documentary about the suffragettes on BBC1 this week. I’m not going to watch it as I always feel uncomfortable when there are too many women in my front room. There will always be one who drinks too much and tries to turn the others against me when they see me flirting with their husbands. You lot should be fine though.

Cancer, Leo, Scorpio

The Bank of Nigeria is setting up a new branch in your area so you should check it out. I’m already one step ahead of the game as a nice Nigerian prince emailed me specifically asking me for my bank account details. I was completely flattered with the attention and it gave me a nice glow all day, meaning I can just sit back and let the lovely kind man take care of it all for me.

Capricorn, Aquarius, Libra

The Royal Scots Dragoon Guards are putting on a concert this week. I went backstage and met them once and they were very flattering – told me I was full of hot air like their bagpipes, which was obviously a compliment as I wearing my new push-up bra. Although the show is good there isn’t any point you paying extra to go backstage as they’d just ignore the likes of you.

Virgo, Sagittarius, Aries

I suggest going to the Natural History Museum in London as I had my ovaries surgically removed and put up on display there; think of it as a kind of modern day Turin Shroud. I have asked them to cordon off an area of about 20 foot around the display, lest anyone gets overpowered by my ovarian aura if they get too close.

Beauty Baggins is here with cheer

Yeah, it’s getting cold now and that’s annoying onhoroscopes my face when I have just had a shave. I had a great idea of smearing my face with Vaseline to cancel out the wind chill, but the lifeguards threw me out when I went to the swimming pool in the afternoon. It’s one rule for those with beards and another rule for the rest of us.

Pisces, Taurus, Gemini

“A finger of Fudge is just enough to give your kids a treat,” so went the advert for Fudge chocolate bars. If your family are having a 19th century themed Christmas then you should heed this advice otherwise steer well clear of such miserly nonsense… unless you enjoy bullying your kids of course.

Cancer, Leo, Scorpio

“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” Yeah, right. Tell that to the kids in the orphanage who took my joke letter from Santa too seriously. Tempting as it is, I advise against telling dozens of kids that Santa hates them and that he won’t be doing any more house visits.

Capricorn, Aquarius, Libra

“The world was made in seven days,” so said my Sunday school teacher. I then asked why it takes Santa a bloody year to deliver a wonky Bugs Bunny toy to me and the miserable sod told me never to come back. Parents should be wary of mixing religion and children for the next few weeks.

Virgo, Sagittarius, Aries

“Fee-fi-fo-fum,” said the Giant to Jack as he glanced up at the beanstalk. Tip for parents: if your kid is playing one of the three wise men in a nativity play, make sure he knows his lines and doesn’t decide to ad-lib something extra in. He will be a social outcast for months otherwise.

Beauty Baggins horoscopes you

Morning ahoroscopesll. I was eating a packet of crisps the other day when I got thinking. It was supposed to be prawn cocktail flavour but I’ve never had an actual prawn cocktail before, so for all I know Walkers were lying to me. This didn’t stop me from eating the whole packet though and I had a Mars Bar afterwards.

Pisces, Taurus, Gemini

Poetry is usually a load of nonsense but this week it might be rather important for you lot. The local paper is holding a creativity competition and they aren’t expecting many poems to be submitted, so you will be in with a shout of winning something if you get working on it. The top prize is a haiku set and the runner-up gets a slap up meal in KFC so start scribbling.

Cancer, Leo, Scorpio

Do you ever buy those packets of frozen profiteroles and then only use half the chocolate sauce? You must have loads of excess sachets hanging around by now, so see if there are any local chocolate fountain manufacturers running low on supplies. If not, you could simply use them as treats for your pet dog when trying to train him to jump through hoops and run up slides.

Capricorn, Aquarius, Libra

Sticks are your friends this week. If you see any sticks or branches lying on your lawn, nip out and rescue them before they get used to make a bird’s nest. Dry them out and sell them as logs to midgets or something.

Virgo, Sagittarius, Aries

Your sink is chock full of dirty dishes so get some soapy stuff and clean them. The cockroaches and mice are just around the corner so you will have to act fast if you don’t want them pitching their tents in your kitchen.

Beauty Baggins does horoscopes

I bought an instrument the other day; can you horoscopesguess what it was? It’s large, it’s brown, and it can be found in orchestra buildings… and it rhymes with ‘cello’. No, wait, I meant ‘yellow’. Damn, I mucked the game up. Oh well, on with the show.

Pisces, Taurus, Gemini

An Xbox will be your downfall this week. Whether it is from being electrocuted in your own house, from one falling from a shelf onto your head, or just being beaten whilst playing Call of Duty online I cannot say, so I recommend wearing rubber gloves and a motorbike helmet for a few days. Don’t fall asleep in department stores either.

Cancer, Leo, Scorpio

Pick up a stick and throw it really hard. Now wait a few minutes to see if a friendly dog proudly brings it back to you. If he does, then throw it again, but harder and in a different direction and see if the dog brings it back again. Kidnap the dog and claim a reward when the owners notice it is missing. If no dogs appear for you, make sure you aren’t still in your bedroom and try doing it in a park instead.

Capricorn, Aquarius, Libra

Think of a number and double it. Then treble that number, add some zeroes, and double it again. That number still isn’t as large as the number of bacteria on your face so go and have a bath and rinse yourself off with a cold shower lest you catch something. You people are filthy.

Virgo, Sagittarius, Aries

Be sure to stock up on batteries over the next few days as there’s a kleptomaniac on the loose, and he’s out there stealing TV remote controls from the unwary. He has a weird OCD thing where he requires all these stolen remotes to have fresh batteries, so if you deny him this outlet he will get frustrated and hand himself back in.

Your fortunes with Beauty Baggins

Howdy! The weather ’tis stahoroscopesrting to get chilly in my corner of the globe and the cold saved me from a nasty happenstance when I was putting out the rubbish the other morning. I accidentally trod in some cat sick and it was only the fear of frozen tootsies that made me put shoes on instead of going out barefoot. I hope the wretched feline caught frostbite and died a painful death.

Pisces, Taurus, Gemini

Go to the local stationary shop and buy some red crepe paper. Invite some vegan friends round for lunch and make them a sandwich using the paper as a filling. See if they notice the difference between the paper and the usual ‘bacon substitute’ nonsense they buy in the supermarket. If you don’t live near a stationary shop steal some from a local school or something.

Cancer, Leo, Scorpio

Stock up on big potatoes this week if you can. Not only are they an excellent source of carbohydrates and an ideal meal accompaniment for unimaginative chefs, but they also serve as an ideal substitute for sandbags during any unexpected out-of-season floods that may or not be occurring this week.

Capricorn, Aquarius, Libra

Put the kettle on and make yourself a cup of tea. Okay, now sit down. Feeling peckish? Of course you are so grab yourself a couple of biscuits. For goodness sake have a bloody carrot or something if you are out of biscuits. Right then, next time you go shopping make sure you get the decent blu-tac. I nicked a blob of the cheap guff you got last time and all me posters fell down within the week.

Virgo, Sagittarius, Aries

Judges look awesome and powerful in those white wig things they wear, so I recommend that you acquire your own one somehow. As a last resort you could possibly make one out of toilet rolls and old newspaper. If you ever have a disciplinary meeting with HR then this wig will come in handy as it will give you an extra bit of clout. Most HR employees are clueless so they will think you know all about the law and stuff. Try to avoid banging on the desk and shouting “Hang the bastard!” ‘cos it might ruin the effect, like.

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