Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Your fortunes with Beauty Baggins

Howdy! The weather ’tis stahoroscopesrting to get chilly in my corner of the globe and the cold saved me from a nasty happenstance when I was putting out the rubbish the other morning. I accidentally trod in some cat sick and it was only the fear of frozen tootsies that made me put shoes on instead of going out barefoot. I hope the wretched feline caught frostbite and died a painful death.

Pisces, Taurus, Gemini

Go to the local stationary shop and buy some red crepe paper. Invite some vegan friends round for lunch and make them a sandwich using the paper as a filling. See if they notice the difference between the paper and the usual ‘bacon substitute’ nonsense they buy in the supermarket. If you don’t live near a stationary shop steal some from a local school or something.

Cancer, Leo, Scorpio

Stock up on big potatoes this week if you can. Not only are they an excellent source of carbohydrates and an ideal meal accompaniment for unimaginative chefs, but they also serve as an ideal substitute for sandbags during any unexpected out-of-season floods that may or not be occurring this week.

Capricorn, Aquarius, Libra

Put the kettle on and make yourself a cup of tea. Okay, now sit down. Feeling peckish? Of course you are so grab yourself a couple of biscuits. For goodness sake have a bloody carrot or something if you are out of biscuits. Right then, next time you go shopping make sure you get the decent blu-tac. I nicked a blob of the cheap guff you got last time and all me posters fell down within the week.

Virgo, Sagittarius, Aries

Judges look awesome and powerful in those white wig things they wear, so I recommend that you acquire your own one somehow. As a last resort you could possibly make one out of toilet rolls and old newspaper. If you ever have a disciplinary meeting with HR then this wig will come in handy as it will give you an extra bit of clout. Most HR employees are clueless so they will think you know all about the law and stuff. Try to avoid banging on the desk and shouting “Hang the bastard!” ‘cos it might ruin the effect, like.

6 responses to “Your fortunes with Beauty Baggins

  1. April Trice 10/09/2011 at 1:38 PM

    See, now I’m an Aries….with my Moon currently in Pisces sitting in the 8th house of death, sex and taxes. I think I need one of those wigs. It could come in handy in a variety of areas.

  2. Michael Cargill 10/09/2011 at 2:16 PM

    Hi April

    You aren’t the first such Aries to mention this to me. If you are struggling with the construction of your own wig there are many simple designs that explain how to do it in ten easy steps. I am also due to hold a seminar within the next couple of days and you are more than welcome to attend. First timers get a free massage from yours truly as well.

    Hope that helps


  3. motherventing 10/09/2011 at 3:01 PM

    SHIT! I totally bought some potatoes today as well (I’m a Leo). You’re a FECKING PSYCHIC! Now tell me next week’s Lotto numbers or I’ll chew your nose off.

    • Michael Cargill 10/09/2011 at 4:01 PM

      Hi Venting

      Glad to hear that you took my advice with the potatoes but I reckon you should pop out and get some more. If you have a spud gun they serve as excellent ammunition against an invasion of small rodents that may occur once the water levels start to rise.

      I am going to be discussing the issue of lottery numbers at a seminar I am in the process of organising. As a first timer you would be entitled to a free massage from me if you were to attend.

      Hope that helps


  4. Anna 10/09/2011 at 8:01 PM

    Amazing! I’m an Aries and was totally just thinking about wrapping my head up in toilet paper. You are clearly awesome. I’mma go do it right now. When I become President of the World because of this, I won’t forget you… look out for your congratulatory fruit basket, coming soon.


    • Michael Cargill 10/09/2011 at 8:19 PM

      Hi Anna

      I am glad that I could be of assistance to you this week. Do you have any vegan friends? You should give the bacon sandwich idea a go if you do, just for the lulz like.

      Hope that helps


      PS – would you like to come to my seminar?

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