Your fortunes with Beauty Baggins

Howdy! The weather ’tis starting to get chilly in my corner of the globe and the cold saved me from a nasty happenstance when I was putting out the rubbish the other morning. I accidentally trod in some cat sick and it was only the fear of frozen tootsies that made me put shoes on instead of going out barefoot. I hope the wretched feline caught frostbite and died a painful death.

Pisces, Taurus, Gemini

Go to the local stationary shop and buy some red crepe paper. Invite some vegan friends round for lunch and make them a sandwich using the paper as a filling. See if they notice the difference between the paper and the usual ‘bacon substitute’ nonsense they buy in the supermarket. If you don’t live near a stationary shop steal some from a local school or something.

Cancer, Leo, Scorpio

Stock up on big potatoes this week if you can. Not only are they an excellent source of carbohydrates and an ideal meal accompaniment for unimaginative chefs, but they also serve as an ideal substitute for sandbags during any unexpected out-of-season floods that may or not be occurring this week.

Capricorn, Aquarius, Libra

Put the kettle on and make yourself a cup of tea. Okay, now sit down. Feeling peckish? Of course you are so grab yourself a couple of biscuits. For goodness sake have a bloody carrot or something if you are out of biscuits. Right then, next time you go shopping make sure you get the decent blu-tac. I nicked a blob of the cheap guff you got last time and all me posters fell down within the week.

Virgo, Sagittarius, Aries

Judges look awesome and powerful in those white wig things they wear, so I recommend that you acquire your own one somehow. As a last resort you could possibly make one out of toilet rolls and old newspaper. If you ever have a disciplinary meeting with HR then this wig will come in handy as it will give you an extra bit of clout. Most HR employees are clueless so they will think you know all about the law and stuff. Try to avoid banging on the desk and shouting “Hang the bastard!” ‘cos it might ruin the effect, like.