Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Vegetarians are the real hunters

daffodilHello, my name is George and I have been a vegetarian since 2005. Although I was born in 1982, I consider the era before my conversion to be a sort of pre-life. All that time I was gorging on roast beef and bacon sandwiches, I now see that I was nothing more than a caterpillar waiting to turn into a butterfly and thanks to my new-found way of life, I believe that I have the potential to be immortal. In fact, I can do pretty much anything that I put my mind to. If I’m ever confronted with a challenge I will meditate by way of consuming a juicy bag of Spinach ‘n’ Lettuce Crunch Mix from my local supermarket.

My favourite vegetable is carrot. Come mealtime I will carefully browse my selection of orange prey before striking decisively when the time is right; the carrot has no chance of getting away, such is my prowess. I then get a knife – the bigger the better – and chop off the carrot’s head in a single strike, rendering it utterly helpless. I then begin to peel it slowly but surely, so I can saviour the moment and as the skin gradually falls away, I begin to salivate as the glistening flesh is exposed. Sometimes I can even feel the carrot struggling within my grasp which merely serves to add to my excitement.

I will then leave the exposed carrot on the side for a while. Most of the time I will over-peel one side to stop it from rolling off and running off to warn the others. The temperature of the room provides ample heat for the meat to be ‘sealed’, a process that only takes a couple of minutes – any longer than that and it will be overcooked and ruined. Some people like their food well-done but I despise such nonsense from barbarians who want every meal to be like a damn BBQ.

The other day someone asked me what the greatest moment in vegetable history is. Without a doubt it would have to be the time when, in 1582, a potato first discovered Sir Walter Raleigh and persuaded him to take his family back to England.

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32 responses to “Vegetarians are the real hunters

  1. A Gripping Life 01/30/2012 at 1:39 PM

    Lol! “I can even feel the carrot struggling within my grasp which adds to my excitement.” The absurdity of it all! I love it!

  2. Rob Rubin 01/30/2012 at 3:05 PM

    Poor carrot. At least it’s going to a good place.

    On a similar note, I wrote a manuscript for a children’s book about saving a piece of brocolli from the horrors of the garbage:

    http://themainland.net/2012/01/20/saving-billy-broccoli/

    Vegetables rock!

  3. nancyelizabethlauzon 01/30/2012 at 3:16 PM

    Never thought I’d feel sorry for a carrot, but it just happened!

  4. Lily 01/30/2012 at 4:18 PM

    Do you think some vegetarians are really like that? I think it’s weird when men are vegetarians. I didn’t eat meat for a year and then I stopped because meat is just too good.

  5. mooselicker 01/30/2012 at 8:43 PM

    I think a list of the other greatest moments in vegetable history are much needed.

  6. motherventing 01/30/2012 at 10:40 PM

    I was once attacked by some peas. I still have the memory fresh in my mind. One got up my nose. The bastard. OH THE HUMANITY. Of… vegetables… *searches for some aubergine to chew on*

  7. Brenda Spiller 02/01/2012 at 4:40 AM

    I’m not quite sure what to make of this post Michael! My husband has been a vegetarian for over 40 years, and I became one by marriage, (and choice) when I moved in with him almost 2 years ago. Neither of us is slim, or puny, and we are definitely not part of the “knit-your-own-sandals” brigade. We just have a belief that other living creatures should not have to die in order for us eat flesh when we can survive very well without it. We also don’t for an instant think of our vegies, carrots included, as prey. So, I thought I would be the voice of reason and let you know that not all vegetarians are weirdos. just sayin’

    • Michael Cargill 02/01/2012 at 1:08 PM

      Don’t worry, you sound like normal people who just so happen to be veggies. I was merely mocking the people who take things too far.

      Bacon really is jolly good though.

  8. Brenda Spiller 02/01/2012 at 4:41 AM

    I do so miss bacon tho 😦 Just thought I’d add that.

  9. darkjade68 02/01/2012 at 9:20 AM

    Hey Michael, The Dark Globe February Shoot Off! Photograph Competition has Officially Begun, For More Info Head Here http://thedarkglobe.wordpress.com/2012/02/01/the-2012-dark-globe-february-shoot-off-has-officially-begun/

    If you know any Photographers, you’re welcome to let them know about the Competition

    See you in the Judges Box

    Thanks Michael

    DarkJade-

  10. Bindu John 02/01/2012 at 2:33 PM

    This is really hilarious. Quite a barbarian you are!

  11. Emily He 02/05/2012 at 5:34 PM

    And I thought my mom dissecting a chicken and pulling out its eggs was bad (IT WAS HORRIBLE)…that poor carrot.

  12. erinsromance 06/22/2012 at 9:37 PM

    As a fellow vegetarian and a lover of dry wit, I loved this post! tonight I plan to sneak up on a plump serrano pepper, bludgeon him, and sandwich him in my veggie wrap. He hasn’t a chance. Erin O’Quinn

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