Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Starbucks? Sickbuckets more like

As a real coffee fan I avoid Starbucks compcoffeeletely. Everything about the place is wrong and I despise the rampant commercialisation of coffee. The people who work there are not ‘baristas’ at all, they are scoundrelous shits and every night I wish a pox upon them. Quite frankly if the coffee isn’t prepared how the Arabian nomadic farmers had it back in 25BC, then I don’t want to know – these damned coffee chains don’t even give you the option to have camel’s milk for goodness sake.

One time I attempted to grow my own coffee beans, just so I could be as authentic as possible. It wasn’t successful, mainly because my spare room is not an arid desert that gets 50mm of rain an hour during the monsoon season. I did try to grow some in the bath but I think I killed the plant when I dropped my pumice stone in there by accident; I had no idea that my dry skin was so toxic and I was devastated when I realised what had happened.

I’m thinking of starting up a magazine so that me and my fellow coffee aficionados can band together. It could even serve as a support group for people suffering from comedowns when making the transition from tea to coffee and I could even pitch a tent in my garden that would function as a kind of halfway house for them. To be honest I’ve never understood the appeal of tea – all that bag nonsense, it just seems so… false and dishonest.

As for that instant Nescafe stuff you can buy in the shops, well I wouldn’t even use to grit the pavements.

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23 responses to “Starbucks? Sickbuckets more like

  1. AgrippingLife 02/01/2012 at 12:45 PM

    I’d like to make a reservation for one in the tent. Something with a nice view please.

    I hate Starbucks. It taste like mudd or tar. So bitter!

    I lol’d on the arid desert that gets 50mm of rain an hour during monsoon season!! Funny stuff, Mr. Cargill, per usual.

  2. No Blog Intended 02/01/2012 at 1:27 PM

    This completely explains why I don’t drink coffee – I’ve only been offered Nescafe stuff. If you buy me a real coffee, I am pretty sure I’ll like it.

  3. Shonnie 02/01/2012 at 6:40 PM

    I LOVE coffee and tea! Bags and all. I love starbucks and any place that I can stock my veins with the lovely black stuff! 😀

  4. kickingsport 02/01/2012 at 6:43 PM

    As an avid tea drinker I take great offence to your provocative post. Rinsing Starbucks is fine in my books but what have teabags ever done to you! Go drink some Nescafe filth, you deserve it.

  5. jbmumofone 02/01/2012 at 7:36 PM

    I am a starbucks whore. Would do almost anything for a gingerbread latte.

  6. mooselicker 02/01/2012 at 9:31 PM

    Say it’s for religious purposes. I heard a story about a guy whose dad in the 60s claimed their home was a house of worship just so they didn’t have to pay taxes.

    Clever and ungodly!

  7. Pete Howorth 02/01/2012 at 9:50 PM

    Costa Coffee seems to be spreading like wildfire now too, they’re just as bad. There seems to be some pre-conceptualised notion that we’re all just going to sit around like in Friends and have wacky adventures. But no, we’ll all just get caffeine addiction and kill each other.

  8. No Blog Intended 02/02/2012 at 6:02 PM

    Page 7 is next in line.
    You have such an ability of showing a surprising view! Even after reading your blog and stories, your approach is stunning. I’m curious how it will continue.

  9. Emily He 02/05/2012 at 5:25 PM

    I was anti-Starbucks until I came to China and discovered that Nescafe was considered a “gold” product. Nastiest s#$% I’ve ever tasted. Ich.

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