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Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.
Has anyone else noticed how hippos are like old people? They’re constantly smiling, don’t seem to have many teeth, and it wouldn’t surprise me if they were prone to pissing themselves after getting lost in the supermarket.
Frazzle R, Bolton
I once put my microwave on for three hours, the highest setting I can put the timer to, just to see what would happen. Five minutes before the end there was a power cut along my road, so I never found out.
John W, Lancs
A candle is the ideal ornament for fooling guests into thinking that you’ve got a pet rabbit, provided that it is brown, shaped like a rabbit, and surrounded by half-eaten carrot ends.
Bob L, Woolton
Alcoholics: Remember that you go to the bar for a drink, and the urinal when you need a piss, rather than the other way round.
Jack D, US
Last week whilst cutting my toenails, I suddenly thought of the song It’s the End of the World as We Know It by REM. Five minutes later, next door’s cat was hit by a car. Has anyone else suffered a near-miss premonition of Armageddon like that?
I recently learnt that DVD stands for Digital Versatile Disc. That’s all well and good, but if you snap one in half you are left with sharp pieces of plastic lying around. There’s a fine line between versatile and dangerous, and these guys crossed that line years ago.
Talking of near-misses, a bee flew right into my face whilst I was relaxing in the garden the other day. Thank heavens I wasn’t a pilot trying to land a passenger-laden Boeing 767 airliner at the time.
Us snow blokes aren’t usually around for very long, so we have to make do with what we have. I once watched a nature documentary about a species of giant moth who only live for about two days; they hatch, mate furiously with whoever they wake up next to, and then die 48 hours later. Snow people are kind of similar, except we don’t get to participate in socially-acceptable orgies. This is partly because snow vaginas are somewhat thin on the ground, but mostly ‘cos snow penises are, well, thin and carroty.
Talking of carrots, this particular one is a marvellous bit of kit. Organic veg might be a bit wonky and smelly but the extras tend to make up for that. This one came with a free dead spider in the box and once I pulled the legs off, I was able to use them as a beard. And we all know how the chicks dig a man with a beard, amirite? The carrot itself has a nice natural brightness to it, one that gives off the impression that I’ve just come back from a sunny holiday somewhere. And chicks love going on holiday, yeah?
A while back I was asked to test a parsnip. It was great for camouflaging myself during games of hide and seek, but most people said that it made me look anaemic. To be honest, our games of hide and seek tend to get rather boring after a while; if you watch a family of snails going out for a picnic, you’ll see that they leave nasty trails behind them and we tend to do the same thing. We actually have quite a lot in common with snails: an abject fear of salt, for example.
So it’s top marks for organic stuff from me. Stay tuned for next week’s article where I discuss the pros and cons of Brussels sprouts.
Hello, my name is George and I have been a vegetarian since 2005. Although I was born in 1982, I consider the era before my conversion to be a sort of pre-life. All that time I was gorging on roast beef and bacon sandwiches, I now see that I was nothing more than a caterpillar waiting to turn into a butterfly and thanks to my new-found way of life, I believe that I have the potential to be immortal. In fact, I can do pretty much anything that I put my mind to. If I’m ever confronted with a challenge I will meditate by way of consuming a juicy bag of Spinach ‘n’ Lettuce Crunch Mix from my local supermarket.
My favourite vegetable is carrot. Come mealtime I will carefully browse my selection of orange prey before striking decisively when the time is right; the carrot has no chance of getting away, such is my prowess. I then get a knife – the bigger the better – and chop off the carrot’s head in a single strike, rendering it utterly helpless. I then begin to peel it slowly but surely, so I can saviour the moment and as the skin gradually falls away, I begin to salivate as the glistening flesh is exposed. Sometimes I can even feel the carrot struggling within my grasp which merely serves to add to my excitement.
I will then leave the exposed carrot on the side for a while. Most of the time I will over-peel one side to stop it from rolling off and running off to warn the others. The temperature of the room provides ample heat for the meat to be ‘sealed’, a process that only takes a couple of minutes – any longer than that and it will be overcooked and ruined. Some people like their food well-done but I despise such nonsense from barbarians who want every meal to be like a damn BBQ.
The other day someone asked me what the greatest moment in vegetable history is. Without a doubt it would have to be the time when, in 1582, a potato first discovered Sir Walter Raleigh and persuaded him to take his family back to England.