Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Tag Archives: england

Vegetarians are the real hunters

daffodilHello, my name is George and I have been a vegetarian since 2005. Although I was born in 1982, I consider the era before my conversion to be a sort of pre-life. All that time I was gorging on roast beef and bacon sandwiches, I now see that I was nothing more than a caterpillar waiting to turn into a butterfly and thanks to my new-found way of life, I believe that I have the potential to be immortal. In fact, I can do pretty much anything that I put my mind to. If I’m ever confronted with a challenge I will meditate by way of consuming a juicy bag of Spinach ‘n’ Lettuce Crunch Mix from my local supermarket.

My favourite vegetable is carrot. Come mealtime I will carefully browse my selection of orange prey before striking decisively when the time is right; the carrot has no chance of getting away, such is my prowess. I then get a knife – the bigger the better – and chop off the carrot’s head in a single strike, rendering it utterly helpless. I then begin to peel it slowly but surely, so I can saviour the moment and as the skin gradually falls away, I begin to salivate as the glistening flesh is exposed. Sometimes I can even feel the carrot struggling within my grasp which merely serves to add to my excitement.

I will then leave the exposed carrot on the side for a while. Most of the time I will over-peel one side to stop it from rolling off and running off to warn the others. The temperature of the room provides ample heat for the meat to be ‘sealed’, a process that only takes a couple of minutes – any longer than that and it will be overcooked and ruined. Some people like their food well-done but I despise such nonsense from barbarians who want every meal to be like a damn BBQ.

The other day someone asked me what the greatest moment in vegetable history is. Without a doubt it would have to be the time when, in 1582, a potato first discovered Sir Walter Raleigh and persuaded him to take his family back to England.

England play Montenegro; David Beckham plays ref

d-beckEngland played Montenegro last night in a thrilling encounter of association football. Montenegro have been without their Serbian mascots since 1999 after a game of NATO top trumps went wrong. The designated referee phoned in sick so David Beckham took his place after explaining that he has been playing Football Manager games ever since he had a Commodore 64 as a kid. Kick off was then delayed by twenty minutes as Beckham was unable to find his favourite whistle, and then for a further ten minutes as he complimented the Montenegro captain for having “Really nice hair.” Wayne Rooney scratched his head in confusion and kicked the ball away in a huff when Joe Cole refused to breathe through his nose instead of his mouth, which allowed the Montenegroeneonons to get a real handle on the game for the first time.

At half time it transpired that a Montengroen farmer had kidnapped Victoria Beckham and put her in the middle of his field because he thought his scarecrow had escaped. It was only when he noticed that “The tits didn’t look as realistic as they did before” that he realised something was wrong. Translation was provided by Montestrego prime minister Wallky Akbar who was playing a trombone whilst there as head cheerleader. David was relieved to have his wife back as she was the only one who knew which flavour Petits Filous yoghurt he wasn’t allergic to.

A nasty deflection whilst Tim Cahill was throwing Hula Hoops into Joe Hart’s mouth meant that the England goalkeeper choked and gagged, allowing two goals to be scored against him. Another goal was scored but Beckham was too busy watching the adverts on the side of the pitch to notice what was happening.

Official England hairstylist Fabio Capello said after the game “Well er, I er, is good and er, heh-heh, he did well,” before giving John Terry a dead arm for being such an annoying twat.

Magnificant England smash sweaty Scots

England once again smashed Scotland to pieces on the world stage at Eden Park, which is a place somewhere in the Southern Hemisphere.  After checking that none of the players had their mobile phones turned on the ref started the match and right from the start the Scots struggled to spell their names correctly.  Johnny Wilkinson’s request to go to the toilet was denied as there were no male teachers to escort him.

The Scots did their traditional Haggis Haka dance just before the game kicked off and an intimidated England countered this by playing Angry Birds to psyche themselves up for the epic clash.  Wilkinson, who learnt to shave for the very first time the night before, was on top form and didn’t drop the baton once.  He forced two double-faults from the opposition and the crowd went wild with applause and adulation.

During half-time the Scottish captain apologised to the referee for forgetting his thermos flask and had to make do with just plain water from the tap.  The England players presented the ref with a picture of Buckingham Palace and a sonnet dedicated to Prince William and Kate Middleton, all wrapped up in a pretty red bow.

After the match Wilkinson thanked his mum for “ironing his boxer shorts” the night before and “leaving them on the radiator so they were warm when I put them on this morning”.  Martin Johnson left before the match finished as he was going to be late for a Les Dawson look-a-like competition but posted a congratulations message on Facebook.

England beat Romanian orphans at rugby

Taking a break from fox hunting and polishing bowler hats this Broken eggweekend, the England rugby team all squeezed into a taxi and popped over to a Romanian orphanage to challenge some kids to a game of rugby kicks and handshakes. Neither team managed to score in 105 minutes of tense to-and-fro gameplay but when the bell went in the 18th round, the judges awarded a unanimous points victory to Queen Victoria’s well-behaved and thoroughly pleasant chaps.

The referee, a part-time student from the North Pole, had forgotten to bring his whistle and so had to make do with the kazoo that he was in his pocket. This initially caused some confusion as the kazoo is a centrepiece on the Romanian flag, so for the first fifteen minutes of the game the Romanians were following the ref around and saluting him whenever he tried to blow for a foul.

England had a try disallowed because the ref was blowing in the wrong end of his stick and the umpire was having a chin-wag with a disabled fan who had just won a Sudoku competition to see Justin Bieber live in his back garden. At half-time the England team made some cucumber sandwiches for the confused Romanians who had never seen bread before, and they proceeded to stuff them into their socks to use as shin pads. Johnny Wilkinson thought this was hilarious and took some pictures on his iPhone to send back to his mum. His mother owns a crockery factory and she plans on making some commemorative dinner plate sets to celebrate the moment, and they will be available via postal order in the back of The Sunday Times. Mentioning ‘The sun never sets on the British Empire’ somewhere in your order will get you a 10% discount.

During the post-match press conference Johnny Wilkinson stated that the Romanian’s inability to teach the England players how to speak the Romanian language in ten easy steps justified any NATO intervention that might occur sometime in the future.

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