Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Tag Archives: Sir Walter Raleigh

Vegetarians are the real hunters

daffodilHello, my name is George and I have been a vegetarian since 2005. Although I was born in 1982, I consider the era before my conversion to be a sort of pre-life. All that time I was gorging on roast beef and bacon sandwiches, I now see that I was nothing more than a caterpillar waiting to turn into a butterfly and thanks to my new-found way of life, I believe that I have the potential to be immortal. In fact, I can do pretty much anything that I put my mind to. If I’m ever confronted with a challenge I will meditate by way of consuming a juicy bag of Spinach ‘n’ Lettuce Crunch Mix from my local supermarket.

My favourite vegetable is carrot. Come mealtime I will carefully browse my selection of orange prey before striking decisively when the time is right; the carrot has no chance of getting away, such is my prowess. I then get a knife – the bigger the better – and chop off the carrot’s head in a single strike, rendering it utterly helpless. I then begin to peel it slowly but surely, so I can saviour the moment and as the skin gradually falls away, I begin to salivate as the glistening flesh is exposed. Sometimes I can even feel the carrot struggling within my grasp which merely serves to add to my excitement.

I will then leave the exposed carrot on the side for a while. Most of the time I will over-peel one side to stop it from rolling off and running off to warn the others. The temperature of the room provides ample heat for the meat to be ‘sealed’, a process that only takes a couple of minutes – any longer than that and it will be overcooked and ruined. Some people like their food well-done but I despise such nonsense from barbarians who want every meal to be like a damn BBQ.

The other day someone asked me what the greatest moment in vegetable history is. Without a doubt it would have to be the time when, in 1582, a potato first discovered Sir Walter Raleigh and persuaded him to take his family back to England.

%d bloggers like this: