Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Beauty Baggins’ horoscopes

I got a new flavour of porridge the other day. It hahoroscopesd a nice box and so I thought “Why not?” and bought it instead of getting me usual brand. I mixed it up and noticed that the texture was smoother than the old one and I couldn’t wait to try it out. After bunging it in the microwave for 3 minutes it came out looking bloody marvellous and I decided to put some on my face to see if it was good for me skin. Anyway, I forgot all about it and three hours later it was stuck fast like lumpy superglue. I had to sit in the bath for 3 hours to soak it off… a bath of petrol that is.

Pisces, Taurus, Gemini

Do you like salami? No? Pepperami? Still no? Well what about ham? No again…? Are you a vegetarian? Oh, for goodness sake! Well, just have some beans then but everyone else should pop down to their local supermarket and stock up – Dr Doolittle has been taken sick so there might be a shortage of meat for a while and you don’t want to be serving cheese on toast at that dinner party you’re hosting next week.

Cancer, Leo, Scorpio

If you haven’t got around to washing your windows recently I suggest that you do so. It’s a boring and tedious job but you’ll reap the benefits soon enough. Imagine that you fell and hit your head whilst watching TV or making yourself a sandwich in the kitchen – when the neighbours start peeking in through your windows you don’t want their view blocked with all that grime that has been building up.

Capricorn, Aquarius, Libra

Do you drink your tea in a mug or in a dainty little cup? I bet you cup-users even have a little saucer as well and sip at it as if you’re a special little princess. Man, you lot piss me off you do – just use a mug like the rest of us. Throw those cups and saucers away and you now have loads of extra cupboard space. See? No doubt you will soon fall back into your hoarding ways and fill the shelves with Weetabix or something equally pointless.

Virgo, Sagittarius, Aries

I watched a Batman film the other day. It was great stuff, all dark and moody and everything. There was this one bit, where he did a double-backflip somersault off a table and swung off the lightshade thing on the ceiling. Contrary to how easy it looks in the film, it’s actually bloody hard to do yourself – I’ve had this crick in my neck ever since and it makes looking up at the menu in McDonalds really tricky.

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16 responses to “Beauty Baggins’ horoscopes

  1. No Blog Intended 01/28/2012 at 11:20 AM

    I’m stunned.
    How could you know I don’t like meat? I’ll have some beans as you said.

  2. motherventing 01/28/2012 at 12:03 PM

    I don’t want my neighbours looking in. Even if I am dead on the floor. No, I want the flies to be the first thing that alerts them to my tragedy. The flies, and the stench.

    I have a story about corpse flies. I’ll tell you another time. Bet you can’t WAIT

  3. A Gripping Life 01/28/2012 at 1:31 PM

    I hope it’s okay that I wait till the spring to wash my windows? If I do it now, I’ll likely get frost bitten and die in the freezing cold.

  4. breezyk 01/28/2012 at 4:26 PM

    Great tip on the windows… and I promise I won’t wash them with porridge. (Yah, I’m hungover.. I got nothin here)

  5. Addie 01/28/2012 at 4:58 PM

    Scorpio here and one who still enjoys living in filth. 🙂

  6. musodad 01/29/2012 at 12:15 AM

    Our neighbours usually have to pay our window cleaners cause we’re never about. It’s about £6 a time and the other day they told us we owed them £36!

    There’s no punchline to this story by the way I just wanted to make you aware that some Cancerians among us don’t realise our windows have been cleaned when they have been.

    Or are the neighbours cleaning our windows so they can pretend to find us with our head’s hit when really they already knew about it?!

    Think you forgot to mention that Cancerians can be quite paranoid as well.

    • Michael Cargill 01/29/2012 at 2:04 PM

      Um… I am not sure what to say to all of this.

      Did you give your neighbours the exact £36 or did you give them £40 and demand some change?

      • musodad 01/29/2012 at 4:13 PM

        We gave them the exact £36 but I like your £40 angle. Will try that next time. Thank you.

        I also wanted to add that another Cancerian trait seems to be the mis-use of apostrophes when commenting on people’s blogs. Although I think the one I just did was okay.

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