Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

More horoscopes with Beauty Baggins

I got a new mobile phone the other day and what a marvellous little dhoroscopesevice it is. I can take photos of my penis and stick them up all along my road at night. I overheard some people talking about it in the local shop this morning. I crept up on them, hoping to hear tales of anguish and outrage, but they thought they were pictures of walnuts! Stupid bloody old people.

Pisces, Taurus, Gemini

There is going to be locust storm in your area soon and I recommend putting bin liners up in the trees to try and slow them down. You might want to cover yourself in double-sided sticky tape as well in case the swarming starts when you are out getting some milk or whatever it is you buy in that shifty-looking shop on the corner. Seriously, why does everyone always walk out of there holding a brown paper bag? Doesn’t make sense.

Cancer, Leo, Scorpio

How often do you eat a banana? Once a day? More than once a day? You beast! No wonder my local Tesco keeps running out of them. Cut back so the rest of us get a chance to enjoy this potassium-rich treat. I don’t like kiwi fruits so have one of those instead. You can even use the skin as a fake beard if you are that way inclined.

Capricorn, Aquarius, Libra

“A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush,” so the saying goes. Yeah? Well my niece was sick all over me at the weekend and it would have been much better if she had done it in a bush. It’s one rule for the 17th century philosophers and another rule for the rest.

Virgo, Sagittarius, Aries

Mickey Mouse? Bloody Bastard more like. I had to wear a costume for a kid’s party once and after about 30 minutes I passed out due to the heat. How come Mickey himself never had this problem? Disney must have had the squeaky-voiced twat jacked up on drugs and ice cubes or something. It would certainly explain the smile that was etched permanently on his face.

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26 responses to “More horoscopes with Beauty Baggins

  1. Little Miss 02/17/2012 at 9:18 AM

    I don’t like bananas, so you can keep your potassium!

  2. Addie 02/17/2012 at 10:30 AM

    How’d you know I like bananas?!
    http://themousynerd.tumblr.com/post/9953031088/cant-this-be-any
    Gosh, you’re a prophet!

  3. kickingsport 02/17/2012 at 12:23 PM

    Whenever I take pictures of my penis and put them up by the road, drivers always mistake it for another tree.

  4. AgrippingLife 02/17/2012 at 12:32 PM

    I like to collect the banana skins and throw them on the street for the unsuspecting passerby. I enjoy watching people fall.

    • Michael Cargill 02/17/2012 at 2:14 PM

      Interestingly I used to do this with bubble wrap when I worked in a furniture shop. I would tear off small bits of it and leave it on the floor near the entrance.

      It was great fun watching people tread on it and then wonder what the bloody hell it is.

  5. April Trice 02/17/2012 at 1:28 PM

    Mickey can get bent like a Republican. I loathe the vermin.

  6. mooselicker 02/17/2012 at 3:51 PM

    So glad I’m not a Virgo. It’s 47 degrees out and I already am sweating today. Couldn’t imagine having to prance around like a mouse all day long.

  7. Lily 02/17/2012 at 5:03 PM

    I never understood “a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.” I’m sure I could figure it out if I really thought about it. But I don’t like to think before noon.

  8. Pete Howorth 02/18/2012 at 12:42 AM

    I don’t eat bananana’s and I’m a leo, does this mean I’m a future terrorist?

  9. Lisa 02/18/2012 at 12:53 AM

    I think there are an inordinate amount of Leos that read these horoscopes. Very interesting.

  10. ahshots 02/20/2012 at 10:04 PM

    My God, that is exactly my experience as a Virgo…right down to the cacophony of drugs I am currently on to make each passing day bearable. Added to that the fact that I have transmorphed into some ungodly manifestation of half man – half grotesque rat mutant and I simply cannot believe that you are not the rarest psychic I have ever come across.

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