More horoscopes with Beauty Baggins

I got a new mobile phone the other day and what a marvellous little device it is. I can take photos of my penis and stick them up all along my road at night. I overheard some people talking about it in the local shop this morning. I crept up on them, hoping to hear tales of anguish and outrage, but they thought they were pictures of walnuts! Stupid bloody old people.

Pisces, Taurus, Gemini

There is going to be locust storm in your area soon and I recommend putting bin liners up in the trees to try and slow them down. You might want to cover yourself in double-sided sticky tape as well in case the swarming starts when you are out getting some milk or whatever it is you buy in that shifty-looking shop on the corner. Seriously, why does everyone always walk out of there holding a brown paper bag? Doesn’t make sense.

Cancer, Leo, Scorpio

How often do you eat a banana? Once a day? More than once a day? You beast! No wonder my local Tesco keeps running out of them. Cut back so the rest of us get a chance to enjoy this potassium-rich treat. I don’t like kiwi fruits so have one of those instead. You can even use the skin as a fake beard if you are that way inclined.

Capricorn, Aquarius, Libra

“A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush,” so the saying goes. Yeah? Well my niece was sick all over me at the weekend and it would have been much better if she had done it in a bush. It’s one rule for the 17th century philosophers and another rule for the rest.

Virgo, Sagittarius, Aries

Mickey Mouse? Bloody Bastard more like. I had to wear a costume for a kid’s party once and after about 30 minutes I passed out due to the heat. How come Mickey himself never had this problem? Disney must have had the squeaky-voiced twat jacked up on drugs and ice cubes or something. It would certainly explain the smile that was etched permanently on his face.