Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Tag Archives: penis

A snowman reviews an organically grown carrot

SnowmanUs snow blokes aren’t usually around for very long, so we have to make do with what we have. I once watched a nature documentary about a species of giant moth who only live for about two days; they hatch, mate furiously with whoever they wake up next to, and then die 48 hours later. Snow people are kind of similar, except we don’t get to participate in socially-acceptable orgies. This is partly because snow vaginas are somewhat thin on the ground, but mostly ‘cos snow penises are, well, thin and carroty.

Talking of carrots, this particular one is a marvellous bit of kit.  Organic veg might be a bit wonky and smelly but the extras tend to make up for that. This one came with a free dead spider in the box and once I pulled the legs off, I was able to use them as a beard. And we all know how the chicks dig a man with a beard, amirite?  The carrot itself has a nice natural brightness to it, one that gives off the impression that I’ve just come back from a sunny holiday somewhere.  And chicks love going on holiday, yeah?

A while back I was asked to test a parsnip.  It was great for camouflaging myself during games of hide and seek, but most people said that it made me look anaemic.  To be honest, our games of hide and seek tend to get rather boring after a while; if you watch a family of snails going out for a picnic, you’ll see that they leave nasty trails behind them and we tend to do the same thing.  We actually have quite a lot in common with snails: an abject fear of salt, for example.

So it’s top marks for organic stuff from me.  Stay tuned for next week’s article where I discuss the pros and cons of Brussels sprouts.

More horoscopes with Beauty Baggins

I got a new mobile phone the other day and what a marvellous little dhoroscopesevice it is. I can take photos of my penis and stick them up all along my road at night. I overheard some people talking about it in the local shop this morning. I crept up on them, hoping to hear tales of anguish and outrage, but they thought they were pictures of walnuts! Stupid bloody old people.

Pisces, Taurus, Gemini

There is going to be locust storm in your area soon and I recommend putting bin liners up in the trees to try and slow them down. You might want to cover yourself in double-sided sticky tape as well in case the swarming starts when you are out getting some milk or whatever it is you buy in that shifty-looking shop on the corner. Seriously, why does everyone always walk out of there holding a brown paper bag? Doesn’t make sense.

Cancer, Leo, Scorpio

How often do you eat a banana? Once a day? More than once a day? You beast! No wonder my local Tesco keeps running out of them. Cut back so the rest of us get a chance to enjoy this potassium-rich treat. I don’t like kiwi fruits so have one of those instead. You can even use the skin as a fake beard if you are that way inclined.

Capricorn, Aquarius, Libra

“A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush,” so the saying goes. Yeah? Well my niece was sick all over me at the weekend and it would have been much better if she had done it in a bush. It’s one rule for the 17th century philosophers and another rule for the rest.

Virgo, Sagittarius, Aries

Mickey Mouse? Bloody Bastard more like. I had to wear a costume for a kid’s party once and after about 30 minutes I passed out due to the heat. How come Mickey himself never had this problem? Disney must have had the squeaky-voiced twat jacked up on drugs and ice cubes or something. It would certainly explain the smile that was etched permanently on his face.

A woman’s work against men is never done

Female-SignHello, my name is Bridget and I am chairwoman of The Female Support Group for Equality of Life for Ladies. I am proud to say that no man, living or otherwise, has ever entered into my thresholds – of that you have my word. Apart from lifting heavy boxes, there is not one thing that a man can do that a female cannot do. Even if there was (like changing a plug or chopping up bits of wood) us females have other skills that are just as useful. Sure, you might be the screwdriver and blowtorch type who can advise me why my car is making that noise, but I can spot, from a mile away, whether someone has taken too many Malteesers from the box when I wasn’t looking. That, my dear penis-owning friends, is a time-honoured skill that only a true female can have. Penis-owners should note that I am not actually your friend, it was just a turn of phrase.

Penis-owners make my life hell as everywhere I look I see the remnants of the penis-dominated world we live in. If I go to the bakery for a baguette, I am reminded of an engorged penis. If I want a bread roll, I am reminded of a shaven swollen testicle. If I want a ring doughnut, then I am reminded of what penis-owners like doing with their penises. Don’t even get me started on the double-cream chocolate éclairs. I am constantly surrounded by penistry architecture. At least if I go to Greece the statue builders made the penises really small, though non-existent would have been better. Whenever I come back from Greece I always want to go around with a chisel and knock off all the penises of the men that pass me in the street.

In the headquarters of The Female Support Group for Equality of Life for Ladies, we have taken great lengths to decorate the interior properly. There are no pictures of men at all. There are no pictures of married women. There are no pictures of single women who are either dating a man or suspected of dating a man and no pictures of any women who have been photographed in public with their father or expressed admiration for their father. Currently, we have pictures of Mother Theresa, Attila the Hun, and myself. Personally, I prefer the pictures of me over the other two but not everyone agrees. Those people are weak and I have my suspicions that they have been in the company of penis-owners recently.

Now, if you will excuse me I need to go to the butchers; they said that they would save the last turkey in the shop for me.

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