Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Tag Archives: disney

More horoscopes with Beauty Baggins

I got a new mobile phone the other day and what a marvellous little dhoroscopesevice it is. I can take photos of my penis and stick them up all along my road at night. I overheard some people talking about it in the local shop this morning. I crept up on them, hoping to hear tales of anguish and outrage, but they thought they were pictures of walnuts! Stupid bloody old people.

Pisces, Taurus, Gemini

There is going to be locust storm in your area soon and I recommend putting bin liners up in the trees to try and slow them down. You might want to cover yourself in double-sided sticky tape as well in case the swarming starts when you are out getting some milk or whatever it is you buy in that shifty-looking shop on the corner. Seriously, why does everyone always walk out of there holding a brown paper bag? Doesn’t make sense.

Cancer, Leo, Scorpio

How often do you eat a banana? Once a day? More than once a day? You beast! No wonder my local Tesco keeps running out of them. Cut back so the rest of us get a chance to enjoy this potassium-rich treat. I don’t like kiwi fruits so have one of those instead. You can even use the skin as a fake beard if you are that way inclined.

Capricorn, Aquarius, Libra

“A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush,” so the saying goes. Yeah? Well my niece was sick all over me at the weekend and it would have been much better if she had done it in a bush. It’s one rule for the 17th century philosophers and another rule for the rest.

Virgo, Sagittarius, Aries

Mickey Mouse? Bloody Bastard more like. I had to wear a costume for a kid’s party once and after about 30 minutes I passed out due to the heat. How come Mickey himself never had this problem? Disney must have had the squeaky-voiced twat jacked up on drugs and ice cubes or something. It would certainly explain the smile that was etched permanently on his face.

Queen Elizabeth II reviews Bambi

This feature-length film was first brought to one’s The Queenattention by way of a written message sometime in 1963 and one is sad to report that one has not had the time to view it until now. For those that are unaware, Bambi is the work of the man who built those Disney theme parks and who also placed numerous Bambi-branded Thermos flasks on the shelves of corner shops and discount wholesalers all across the globe. It is my understanding that Disney also invented Mickey Mouse and one cannot help but notice that Bambi and Mickey Mouse have something in common: they are both animals. Not being one to believe in coincidences, one has to wonder what to make of this fact and is something for one to ponder at length.

In the film there is a ghastly little rabbit called Thumper. One quickly realises that he is not a character to be taken literally as he is clearly an allegory for a particularly naughty corgi dog that one once owned. On many an occasion, my servant would feed some gin to this dog which would case it to run around like a crazy ferret. Although one found this jolly amusing the first few times it quickly became tiresome and I instructed the servant to remove him from the premises immediately. One can only imagine that Thumper would make horrendous company if one were to ever share a horse-drawn carriage or chariot with him. When the film had finished it was pointed out to me that Thumper is an animal, just like Bambi and Mickey Mouse are; one has to consider what was going on in the head of Disney at this time.

There was a bit in the film where Bambi’s father turns around and leaves him on his lonesome. One was immediately struck by the similarity of the time I was in France and some French berk of a waiter ignored me when I asked for another plate of olives. Clearly, Disney is familiar with the peculiar French arrogance and one has to admire his attempt at immortalising and satirising it on the big screen. Whilst on the subject of France, one feels it is pertinent to point out that Nicholas Sarkozy has a wonky face. When one is in his company, it is most unsettling as one is constantly under the impression that he is about to sneeze. He once tried to make a joke about whether one had ever considered wearing one’s crown backwards.

I made it quite clear that one was not amused.

Saddam Hussein reviews He-man

SaddamI catched my son watching cartoon called He-man other day. I watch it and I get disgust, it just American propaganda lies to turn all my dear fellow Iraqis against me so they not vote for me at next fully democratic Democracy Vote Day for Democracy. Also, why called He-man? ‘He’ and ‘man’ mean same thing, stupid Americans always say same thing twice. Just like they vote in president call Bush twice, they be stupid and fat from eating mutton rolls all day in Starbuck.

In cartoon there stupid floating thing called Orko, he look like towel and have stupid voice. His name sound like Orka, famous fish in Disney Sea World Adventure Park. See, Americans say things twice again, as they stupid and fat. If I ever met Orko I would hang mutton rolls on him using bits of string. He better be careful because if mutton roll touch floor and get dirty, I have him torture to tell me where grassy knoll is. I have done much research on grassy knoll and it weapon of mass destruction that CIA and FBI use to kill President of Kennedy.

He-man say he most powerful man in universe, but that not true. I see The Rock in WCW wrestling and he do jumps from ropes that He-man not do. I practice jumps on my bed and get injury when I slip on mutton roll and bang my head on floor. George Bush fax me email saying he is most powerful man in world, but that not true either. I fax email back asking how Simba in Disney Lion King grew up so fast when he walk across log but Bush say he not seen film.

I see Simba appear in He-man but called Battle Cat. Americans doing things twice again, as they are so stupid and fat.

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