US uncovers serious ‘Iranian pepper pot’

Discovery

US Attorney General Edward Scissorhands has announced that the CIA have uncovered evidence of a “Serious breach of seasoning protocol,” that has put the nation on a “High state of alert for meal times.” Senior CIA agents were sitting down at the dinner table, deciding “whether we should have custard or yoghurt for desert,” when someone “pointed at the condiments tray and asked if the purple pepper pot, with the swirly Arabian writing on it, was really one of ours.”

The whole canteen area was put on high alert and a thorough examination of all cutlery and non-essential food items was carried out. Agents went into “full-on Rambo mode,” once it was discovered that all the teaspoons had “Made in China,” printed all over them. A source told us “It was pure chaos with kicks flying, punches being thrown, and everyone shouting secret code-words into their ear-pieces.”

Stuff

President Obama has ordered that “All sachets of sugar and tomato ketchup are to be destroyed,” and urged US citizens to “Throw any of that foreign-looking shit away, just in case,” but added “Any Mexican souvenirs with sombrero hats on them can be kept as they’re kinda cute and sassy looking.”

A similar security scare occurred in 1984 when a gift box from Sweden started emitting a suspicious green glow. “This was at the height of the Cold War so we thought it was some radioactive waste from the Russians,” a retired Whitehouse aide told us “but it actually turned out to be some plastic glow-in-the-dark Ghostbusters toys.”