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Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.
22-year old Max Marthers was left “Bewildered and confused,” when he didn’t win the lottery jackpot last Saturday. Marthers, who is “Usually pretty lucky,” was relying on the £9.2 million rollover jackpot prize to tide him over this month after splashing out on crisps, biscuits, and supermarket own-brand cider to celebrate winning the Employee of the month award at the mobile phone shop he works in.
Marthers told us “When I didn’t win I just went completely numb. All week I had been getting one of my special feelings where I just know I’m going to win. I’ve had these feelings ever since I won a 4-pack of baked beans as third prize at a school raffle when I was nine years old, and this is the first time they’ve let me down. I was watching the advert on TV and when the animated hand pointed at me I got a tingling sensation all over. Something went wrong somewhere so maybe I was just coming down with German measles.”
Marthers was so distraught at the result that he even sent an email to the TV studio asking them to check if they had “repeated last week’s lottery draw by accident.” He added “I just don’t understand as I was so sure I would win. I even helped an old lady across the road and wore clean underwear on the day I bought the ticket just to avoid jinxing it.”
Shop owner Sanjay Singh who sold Marthers the ticket told us “He bloody came in to my shop the next day asking if he could have a bloody refund! Can you believe it? A bloody refund! I told him to bloody piss off.”