Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Tag Archives: obama

US uncovers serious ‘Iranian pepper pot’

Discoverypepper

US Attorney General Edward Scissorhands has announced that the CIA have uncovered evidence of a “Serious breach of seasoning protocol,” that has put the nation on a “High state of alert for meal times.” Senior CIA agents were sitting down at the dinner table, deciding “whether we should have custard or yoghurt for desert,” when someone “pointed at the condiments tray and asked if the purple pepper pot, with the swirly Arabian writing on it, was really one of ours.”

The whole canteen area was put on high alert and a thorough examination of all cutlery and non-essential food items was carried out. Agents went into “full-on Rambo mode,” once it was discovered that all the teaspoons had “Made in China,” printed all over them. A source told us “It was pure chaos with kicks flying, punches being thrown, and everyone shouting secret code-words into their ear-pieces.”

Stuff

President Obama has ordered that “All sachets of sugar and tomato ketchup are to be destroyed,” and urged US citizens to “Throw any of that foreign-looking shit away, just in case,” but added “Any Mexican souvenirs with sombrero hats on them can be kept as they’re kinda cute and sassy looking.”

A similar security scare occurred in 1984 when a gift box from Sweden started emitting a suspicious green glow. “This was at the height of the Cold War so we thought it was some radioactive waste from the Russians,” a retired Whitehouse aide told us “but it actually turned out to be some plastic glow-in-the-dark Ghostbusters toys.”

Danish fat tax is ‘an insult to the American people’

danish_pastryAnger

President Obama lashed out at the recently introduced Danish tax on fatty foods, as “Akin to a declaration of war on 75% of the American population,” which is “pretty heavy, if you’ll excuse the pun.” Obama also said that he is holding meetings in the war office and is due to talk with lawyers at the UN. “We’ve got a lot on our plate right now, if you’ll excuse the pun.”

When asked about the possibility of launching attacks from UAV drones, the Pentagon stated that “No scone is being left unturned,” and “every military department wants their bit of the pie, if you’ll excuse the pun.”

Eat

Former Republican pin-up girl Sarah Palin said “The Tea Party says NO to all taxes, especially ones that make our BBQs more expensive,” and “Every dog has his day, if you’ll excuse the pun. No, wait, I got that wrong gosh darn it. These jelly babies are giving me such a sugar rush.”

Chris Christie, a tubby Republican who is campaigning to be the president of the state of Cadbury, was nonchalant about the new and joked “This is discrimination on a huge scale, but not as huge as me on the bathroom scales.” He then went on to say “Whatever happens America will win, because we’re the best at everything,” and with a twinkle in his eye added “Especially at bad buns. I mean puns.”

Chris then excused himself as he had to find his “Yoghurt mat. Sorry, I meant Yoga.”

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