Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Tag Archives: terrorist

These days, it’s the cakes that are the real terrorists

Pssscaket! It’s me, Jon Bon Jovi. Not the real Bon Jovi of course, it’s just a pretend name that I use to cover my tracks. I was in Sainsbury’s supermarket the other day, perusing the delicatessen, when I heard a rustling in the Bon Bon Cake section. It sounded very suspicious so I did what I always do when I feel threatened, which is to shout “Not now, Margaret!” at the top of my voice. It’s a defensive reaction that has always served me well and I got the idea from hedgehogs. And why not? If a hedgehog hears a twig snap or an amorous couple engaging in a spot of noisy impromptu coitus on a picnic blanket, then he will roll himself up into a ball until the threat has passed.

It’s been about twenty years since I last got on a plane and with good reason: I am scared to death of them! The authorities spend all that money on X-ray machines, metal detectors, and bald men who want to sneak a digit up your backside, yet none of that is going to stop anything with a biscuit buttery base is it? What will these security bods do if some chocolate fingers and sultana croissants team up and start sneaking through the air vents? Are they going to go after them, armed with cups of warm sugary tea, hoping to dissolve them before they get anywhere near the fuel tanks? I think not.

Even the roads aren’t safe anymore. Cats eyes? Street lights? Toll roads? Like, hello! A baked lump of fundamentalist flour, sugar, and egg simply isn’t going to take any notice of those things. They are masters of strategy and will simply outflank anything that you put in their way. But no-one ever listens to me, they just roll their eyes and call me a nutter. Wait, hold on. Why are those security guards looking at me? Why are they surrounding me? Good Lord, not even Bon Jovi is safe from these tasty snacks! Somebody, please help!

Not now, Margaret!

US uncovers serious ‘Iranian pepper pot’

Discoverypepper

US Attorney General Edward Scissorhands has announced that the CIA have uncovered evidence of a “Serious breach of seasoning protocol,” that has put the nation on a “High state of alert for meal times.” Senior CIA agents were sitting down at the dinner table, deciding “whether we should have custard or yoghurt for desert,” when someone “pointed at the condiments tray and asked if the purple pepper pot, with the swirly Arabian writing on it, was really one of ours.”

The whole canteen area was put on high alert and a thorough examination of all cutlery and non-essential food items was carried out. Agents went into “full-on Rambo mode,” once it was discovered that all the teaspoons had “Made in China,” printed all over them. A source told us “It was pure chaos with kicks flying, punches being thrown, and everyone shouting secret code-words into their ear-pieces.”

Stuff

President Obama has ordered that “All sachets of sugar and tomato ketchup are to be destroyed,” and urged US citizens to “Throw any of that foreign-looking shit away, just in case,” but added “Any Mexican souvenirs with sombrero hats on them can be kept as they’re kinda cute and sassy looking.”

A similar security scare occurred in 1984 when a gift box from Sweden started emitting a suspicious green glow. “This was at the height of the Cold War so we thought it was some radioactive waste from the Russians,” a retired Whitehouse aide told us “but it actually turned out to be some plastic glow-in-the-dark Ghostbusters toys.”

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