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Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.
Hello there, Mrs Claus here. Or Green Claws as the kids in school used to call me when they caught me picking my nose. An elf had the cheek to call me that when I was putting a load of mistletoe up one year and I soon wiped the smile off of her face, the skinny little bitch. I don’t tolerate sluts in my household and she was one of the worst, always strutting about in those tight red legging of hers. Always giggling and stroking her thin ears and pronounced cheek bones around whenever a man was within earshot – let’s see what a month of barn duty with the reindeers does for her complexion. Dasher’s digestive system goes to hell if he isn’t given his medication in time.
This evening I have to make sure that Santa’s costume is kept warm on the radiator before he goes out. I swear he never listens to me and one day he will catch the death of cold if I am not there to make sure he is wrapped up tight. One year he went out with odd socks on! Can you imagine it he looked a right state. Good job that it was in the days before iPhones and Androids so there were no snotty little brats to take pictures of him. I tell you, it is divorce time if some clever dick catches him looking like a scruff and makes a George Bush video of an Iraqi throwing shoes at him.
I used to wait up for hubby each night, worried sick about what might happen to him as he flies over enemy territory such as Russia, Iran, and the South Pole. I tell you, those penguins down in Antarctica hate him for some reason and I don’t care how cute they look on TV. David Attenborough, typical man, thinks he knows it all on those BBC nature documentaries but the moment his back is turned, those waddling birds go back to plotting dastardly deeds against us.
He better not go anywhere near that Easter Bunny; I’ve seen the way she looks at him. Sometimes, I just wish he would crash into a wall and leave me in peace.
US Attorney General Edward Scissorhands has announced that the CIA have uncovered evidence of a “Serious breach of seasoning protocol,” that has put the nation on a “High state of alert for meal times.” Senior CIA agents were sitting down at the dinner table, deciding “whether we should have custard or yoghurt for desert,” when someone “pointed at the condiments tray and asked if the purple pepper pot, with the swirly Arabian writing on it, was really one of ours.”
The whole canteen area was put on high alert and a thorough examination of all cutlery and non-essential food items was carried out. Agents went into “full-on Rambo mode,” once it was discovered that all the teaspoons had “Made in China,” printed all over them. A source told us “It was pure chaos with kicks flying, punches being thrown, and everyone shouting secret code-words into their ear-pieces.”
President Obama has ordered that “All sachets of sugar and tomato ketchup are to be destroyed,” and urged US citizens to “Throw any of that foreign-looking shit away, just in case,” but added “Any Mexican souvenirs with sombrero hats on them can be kept as they’re kinda cute and sassy looking.”
A similar security scare occurred in 1984 when a gift box from Sweden started emitting a suspicious green glow. “This was at the height of the Cold War so we thought it was some radioactive waste from the Russians,” a retired Whitehouse aide told us “but it actually turned out to be some plastic glow-in-the-dark Ghostbusters toys.”