Beauty Baggins is the horoscope man

Hiya, peeps. It’s been jolly hot here in England for the last week or so and it’s been absolute bliss – me and the missus have been sat out on the sundeck soaking up the rays and having snoozes in the sun. I tend to dribble in my sleep so I kept waking up with dry crusty stuff round my mouth.

Pisces, Taurus, Gemini

Lollies are usually good for hot weather but for you ugly lot they are bad news. Some pleb accidentally poured aniseed mixture into a huge vat at the lolly factory, so expect to be chased by packs of dogs if you consume too many of them this week. Mind you, if you like having your legs humped by dachshunds feel free to carry on as normal. Licking luscious lollies lying lazily… nah, poetry is rubbish.

Cancer, Leo, Scorpio

I once tried to build a kid’s playhouse out of sweetcorn and it was going great until my son had a friend round. The little shit was from a vegetarian family and he ate most of it, so if you’re having any children’s parties don’t build anything out of food.

Capricorn, Aquarius, Libra

You lot are a right load of miserable gits lately. Do you have double-glazing windows? You do? Quick, SMASH IT ALL IMMEDIATELY. See how fun that was? Now, do it to your neighbour’s houses as well and they will either join in the fun or be as miserable as you were before you started enjoying yourself.

Virgo, Sagittarius, Aries

Salmon is expensive, right? Get some bacon, paint it pink, and now you can make a fortune flogging it as salmon to mad old people who have lost their sense of taste. Sorry, what? Look, I don’t know what paint you can use and I don’t really care either. Yeesh, some people need everything done for them.