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England once again smashed Scotland to pieces on the world stage at Eden Park, which is a place somewhere in the Southern Hemisphere. After checking that none of the players had their mobile phones turned on the ref started the match and right from the start the Scots struggled to spell their names correctly. Johnny Wilkinson’s request to go to the toilet was denied as there were no male teachers to escort him.
The Scots did their traditional Haggis Haka dance just before the game kicked off and an intimidated England countered this by playing Angry Birds to psyche themselves up for the epic clash. Wilkinson, who learnt to shave for the very first time the night before, was on top form and didn’t drop the baton once. He forced two double-faults from the opposition and the crowd went wild with applause and adulation.
During half-time the Scottish captain apologised to the referee for forgetting his thermos flask and had to make do with just plain water from the tap. The England players presented the ref with a picture of Buckingham Palace and a sonnet dedicated to Prince William and Kate Middleton, all wrapped up in a pretty red bow.
After the match Wilkinson thanked his mum for “ironing his boxer shorts” the night before and “leaving them on the radiator so they were warm when I put them on this morning”. Martin Johnson left before the match finished as he was going to be late for a Les Dawson look-a-like competition but posted a congratulations message on Facebook.