Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Tag Archives: horoscope

Vladimir Putin does the horoscopes

Comrades. As the new and rightful lePutinader I here to tell you what is what. I divide you up by star sign and then say what is happen. You must not try to get out of it or else man who wrestle bear for fun will come and find you. I sometime wrestle bear for fun and I teach other mans who like to wrestle how to do it too. We have fun and shoot guns for fun as well. Then we practise putting people in cage and no feed them for six weeks; is fun.

Pisces, Taurus, Gemini

Your favourite TV programme have special omnibus special this week. Omnibus is now cancel so you do something else instead and I suggest learning Judo for fun or maybe even make mashed potato for local bear wrestling club. For every 500 potatoes you peel, get free bullet for gun of my choice.

Cancer, Leo, Scorpio

Favourite vending machine at work is now changed – no more vending Coca Cola and Scampi Snacks, but bricks and cyanide instead. Price is doubled too. You buy brick and donate to local martial art dojo so they buy cages for bears. Cyanide is for killing rats in house. You say you no have rats? You will soon, so buy quick before cyanide run out.

Capricorn, Aquarius, Libra

I see you have nice shampoo in bathroom. Soon, shampoo not be in stock in shop so you have better shampoo instead. Is black in colour and can be use for paint or wash car as well. It is like hair dye too, which is good as I like sexy brunette very much. Soon, all lady have sexy brunette hair.

Virgo, Sagittarius, Aries

You have nice wallpaper and pictures up in house. Is nice but you take down soon. Everyone having nice and smart grey concrete walls and lights with no lampshade, which be good practice for when you get arrest and put in prison for being spy. I know you spy as you have pet rabbit or dog instead of have bear to practice wrestling on.

Horoscopes with Beauty Baggins

Hey ho everyohoroscopesne. My garden is chock full of leaves at the moment and the wife keeps asking me to sweep them up. Thing is I’ve developed a kind of phobia about what might be lurking under the leaves and I’m worried about treading on something nasty like a slug or a dead pigeon. No-one ever finds anything nice like a winning lottery ticket or an unopened tub of honey roasted peanuts in the garden.

Pisces, Taurus, Gemini

A power cut is imminent in your area so you should go out and buy a torch or two in preparation for it. Don’t worry about having useless excess torches left over afterwards though – placed strategically around your garden they make ideal leaning posts for your garden gnomes when they come to life at night.

Cancer, Leo, Scorpio

If you have any amateur palaeontologists in your family you should invite them round for tea. Buy some yellow jelly and stick a dead fly or other insect in the middle of it. Present this to your scientist-in-training and see if they start waffling on about dinosaur DNA trapped in amber. Be sure to record it for future YouTube hilarity.

Capricorn, Aquarius, Libra

Next time you go for a haircut, ask the chatty barber if you can have all the hair that is on the floor. Once you have a sackful divide it up and fill numerous smaller plastic bags with the hair. Hey presto! You now have portable ‘hairbags’ that can save you from certain death if you fall off a chair or get hit by a car whilst running across the road.

Virgo, Sagittarius, Aries

Aunt Mable will be popping round unexpectedly this week. Make sure you clean the place up and throw away all those empty pizza boxes – you know what a house-proud old witch she can be. Probably best if you leave one small cobweb in the corner though – if she doesn’t have something to complain about the shock might kill her. Use this information as you see fit.

Beauty Baggins has your Zodiacs

Morning kids, how are things? I entehoroscopesred myself into a gardening competition the other day. Now, I am usually rubbish at gardening and my horticultural skills tend to begin and end with pouring weed killer over everything, but the prize is a 2000 watt Flymo Chopatron lawnmower. It sounds bloody marvellous.

Pisces, Taurus, Gemini

You should either grow a beard or purchase a fake one this week. What with the rising food prices, they make ideal ‘stray food catchers’ so if you get hungry you can just have a munch on that sausage that fell out of your mouth earlier in the day. Or you could just refrain from burping so much whilst you eat your dinner, the choice is yours.

Cancer, Leo, Scorpio

Do you like watching Formula 1 races? You do? What an immensely boring person you must be. Get yourself outside and do something for once. Either repair the puncture on your bike, or, if your bike is working fine, give it a puncture and go for a walk instead. Go to a shopping centre and put bits of bubble wrap on the floor to see how many old people you can scare shitless.

Capricorn, Aquarius, Libra

Hamsters like sunflower seeds, chimpanzees like bananas, and you like sugar in your tea and coffee. You should write a book and call it something like ‘Typical eating habits of the daft, the stupid, and the hairy,” it would be a best seller. Any profits would be wiped out with you repeatedly buying a copy for yourself, though.

Virgo, Sagittarius, Aries

The tree that is near the front of your house is looking a bit dangerous these days. Before cutting it down, you should try and make a tree house in it and hold a street BBQ for the locals. If anyone gets injured you can all claim compensation from the council and get the tree chopped down for free as well. It’s win-win all round.

Beauty Baggins is your fortune teller

Hello and good day to you all. It’s been fairly brighhoroscopest and sunny these last couple of days, which has allowed me to crack on with some redecorating that I need to do. The warm(ish) afternoons have allowed me to open all the doors and windows to let out the smell of the paint. I’m quite sensitive to the fumes, see – once I got so delirious that I put socks on my ears and invited everyone round for a Christmas BBQ.

Pisces, Taurus, Gemini

This week you should avoid buying anything that has glass in it so no posh bottles of water for the next seven days or so. Technically this also includes train tickets because the train has glass windows and scientists will need to do non-radioactive things, whilst double-glazing salesman can just go jump off a cliff as far as I’m concerned. You can all shush your grumbling because it’s in aid of ‘Save the Dolphins Week’.

Cancer, Leo, Scorpio

All those old car tyres you have in your garage? Bung ‘em in the garden and have a nice hot fire. Any old tins of paint can be chucked in there as well. The arid stench will reach across at least three towns and the tyres make a fantastically weird noise as they burn, so locals and strangers alike will be able to join in with the fun. Screw the dolphins, it’s all about holes in the ozone layer and soaking up those rays these days.

Capricorn, Aquarius, Libra

Start up a new animal charity because, as far as I am concerned, there is no equality in this sector. Everyone goes on and on about the dolphins, yet I never hear so much as a peep about the squirrels… and I bloody love squirrels and I want one as a pet. I tried growing a tree in my house and sowed some peanuts about the place as bait, but the wife threatened to leave me if I didn’t stop being such an idiot. Anyone fancy swapping a squirrel for my wife? She makes a cracking cup of tea.

Virgo, Sagittarius, Aries

Right, you lot clearly use the Internet. There are plenty of ways to make money on the Internet with one of the most popular being a columnist or a writer for a web page… or maybe even being a fortune teller on a blog *cough*. Well, whatever you do, don’t ever try to sell, swap, or otherwise disparage your loved ones on said column or blog section – frying pans are lethal weapons and bad for one’s health if used incorrectly.

Beauty Baggins is the horoscope man

Hiya, peeps. It’s been jolly hot here in Enghoroscopesland for the last week or so and it’s been absolute bliss – me and the missus have been sat out on the sundeck soaking up the rays and having snoozes in the sun. I tend to dribble in my sleep so I kept waking up with dry crusty stuff round my mouth.

Pisces, Taurus, Gemini

Lollies are usually good for hot weather but for you ugly lot they are bad news. Some pleb accidentally poured aniseed mixture into a huge vat at the lolly factory, so expect to be chased by packs of dogs if you consume too many of them this week. Mind you, if you like having your legs humped by dachshunds feel free to carry on as normal. Licking luscious lollies lying lazily… nah, poetry is rubbish.

Cancer, Leo, Scorpio

I once tried to build a kid’s playhouse out of sweetcorn and it was going great until my son had a friend round. The little shit was from a vegetarian family and he ate most of it, so if you’re having any children’s parties don’t build anything out of food.

Capricorn, Aquarius, Libra

You lot are a right load of miserable gits lately. Do you have double-glazing windows? You do? Quick, SMASH IT ALL IMMEDIATELY. See how fun that was? Now, do it to your neighbour’s houses as well and they will either join in the fun or be as miserable as you were before you started enjoying yourself.

Virgo, Sagittarius, Aries

Salmon is expensive, right? Get some bacon, paint it pink, and now you can make a fortune flogging it as salmon to mad old people who have lost their sense of taste. Sorry, what? Look, I don’t know what paint you can use and I don’t really care either. Yeesh, some people need everything done for them.

Beauty Baggins does hororscopes

The bit in the title bar mentions my name so need for me to introdhoroscopesuce myself this time. I hate doing introductions because they are so cheesy and cliched, you know? At parties everyone is kind of standing there with a wine glass and a sausage roll (or a doughnut if it’s earlier in the day) standing in a kind of circle just looking at each other. The men try to position themselves in a place where they can peer down the ladies’ tops without being noticed, and the ladies… actually I don’t know what they do. But anyway, introductions are rubbish.

Pisces, Taurus, Gemini

A film called ‘The King’s Ransom’ is available very cheaply down your local ‘Everything for £1’ shop, so you should get down there and buy a copy. Your sister is going to ask if you can babysit for her in a few days’ time and this DVD will be a cheap way to keep the child occupied whilst you mow the lawn or something.

Cancer, Leo, Scorpio

If you still have that ‘You don’t have to be mad to work here, but it helps!’ t-shirt that you bought during a trip to London, you should get rid of it pronto. Nothing bad will happen if you don’t, but you look a complete plonker every time you wear it to work on dress-down Fridays.

Capricorn, Aquarius, Libra

Turn the TV on. Yeah, do it now. Okay, it’s good you’ve finally learnt how to use the remote controls for the TV you bought six months ago. Right, whack it on channel 56. I don’t care if that channel went bankrupt, just do it and stop moaning. Oops, it’s actually channel 45 that I meant. Right, you see that woman celebrating her lottery win on the news? Well that could have been you if you had bothered to buy a ticket.

Virgo, Sagittarius, Aries

Good news for you lot! If you go out and buy some blankets they’ll keep you warm for when your boiler blows up in a few days. Okay, so it’s not actually good news, but I like to put a positive spin on things occasionally. Make sure you don’t get the cheap ones from the pet shop though otherwise your dog might do stuff all over it.

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