Nurse Ratched dispences her wisdom and experience

Hey, Nurse Ratched here. So many of you have so many problems bothering you that I feel the need to help y’all out a bit, to put some steel in your bellies and some fire in your hearts. I once had a problem with a little dog doing doo-doos on my lawn and the silly old dear who owned him didn’t know how to put a stop to it. Eventually I caught the little twerp, put him in a sack, and threw him in a river: problem solved.

Dear Nurse Ratched

My son never tidies his room. I have tried offering him sweets as a reward and grounding him as a punishment, yet nothing works. What should I do?

First of all, you should put your son up for adoption and get your balls cut off. You clearly aren’t able to keep kids disciplined and he will no doubt grow up to be a Facebook addict who sits in his room smoking cigarettes all day. Try digging a hole in his bedroom floor and then covering it with a sheet and some toys. Hopefully he will fall through the hole and break some bones and learn to tidy his room in future. If that doesn’t work you should kill yourself.

Dear Nurse Ratched

I was short-changed in the local shop but because I didn’t realise until I got home, the owner won’t do anything. What should I do?

There are several things you can do. The easiest would be to bully someone else into giving you some money but you don’t seem the type to do that, what with being a big scared chicken and all. You could try kidnapping one of the owner’s children and demand a wedge of money from them. Finally, you could set fire to the shop and retrieve the change yourself from the ashes when the firemen have gone. If that doesn’t work you should kill yourself.