Michael Cargill
Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.
A snowman reviews an organically grown carrot
Posted by on 03/03/2013
Us snow blokes aren’t usually around for very long, so we have to make do with what we have. I once watched a nature documentary about a species of giant moth who only live for about two days; they hatch, mate furiously with whoever they wake up next to, and then die 48 hours later. Snow people are kind of similar, except we don’t get to participate in socially-acceptable orgies. This is partly because snow vaginas are somewhat thin on the ground, but mostly ‘cos snow penises are, well, thin and carroty.
Talking of carrots, this particular one is a marvellous bit of kit. Organic veg might be a bit wonky and smelly but the extras tend to make up for that. This one came with a free dead spider in the box and once I pulled the legs off, I was able to use them as a beard. And we all know how the chicks dig a man with a beard, amirite? The carrot itself has a nice natural brightness to it, one that gives off the impression that I’ve just come back from a sunny holiday somewhere. And chicks love going on holiday, yeah?
A while back I was asked to test a parsnip. It was great for camouflaging myself during games of hide and seek, but most people said that it made me look anaemic. To be honest, our games of hide and seek tend to get rather boring after a while; if you watch a family of snails going out for a picnic, you’ll see that they leave nasty trails behind them and we tend to do the same thing. We actually have quite a lot in common with snails: an abject fear of salt, for example.
So it’s top marks for organic stuff from me. Stay tuned for next week’s article where I discuss the pros and cons of Brussels sprouts.
Sounds like a very sexy beard! You made the right choice about the parsnip too
A beard made out of strips of parsnips… now there’s a thought.
Life as a snowman would be tough. I like how he got innovative and used the spider legs. It would be hard to stand out in a world of identical snowmen.
He is one clever dude.
Can’t beat a nice carrot and two sprouts, if you know what I mean.
Just thinking about has caused me to sprout a stiff carrot.
Ha ha this one made me chuckle, I have always wondered what a snow man would sound like.
Socially-acceptable orgies and anemic snowmen. Class. :)
I’m a classy guy, everything I do is proper classy.
Great site! Part of my blog is also comedy, but with serious subjects too (latest one is just a review of survey sites, but that’s just a one time post). I’m following your site now and check me out at http://laughatmypain.wordpress.com/ (shameless plug!)
Pow! Thank you, my dear girl.
I’ve heard that snow people tend to be cold fish in bed. Is it true?