Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Tag Archives: vagina

Q&A with the King of Dubai

King of DubaiHai, peeps!

Ever since I watch Peter Pan film, I been fascinate with idea of eternal youth.  Peter Pan never have to worry about get hairy ears and nose due to getting old, and he also able to get in cinema for student price provide he has valid student college card.  Downside is that he have to keep go to college and do homeworks, but I say is worthy trade.  Also, having beautiful fairy in short skirt follow him around is good bonus too.

Dear King of Dubai

I’m thinking of taking my family on holiday to Dubai next year, but the possibility of being kidnapped, beaten, raped, and then thrown in jail is a cause of concern.  Are these horror stories true?

My friend, I completely sympathise!  There are bad peoples around, so is important for tourist to think before leaping.  For instant, if wife wants to leave hotel then she at risk entire time she is in possession of a vagina so I recommend she leave it in reception safety box so no-one can touch it.  Also, don’t leave things lying around that might tempt hotel cleaners to spread rumours – if they find female underwears whilst looking through your luggage then you only have yourselves to blame if sniffer dogs find wife.

Is just common sense, no?

Dear King of Dubai

I’m considering building a massive new hotel out in the desert next year, but I’ve heard rumours that the workers are starting to demand better working conditions.  Is there any truth to what the doom-mongers are telling me?

My friend, I completely sympathise!  Is well known that troublemakers are making troubles out here in the desert, so is important to stay vigilant.  Some of enterprising managers have been handing out breathing masks to their workers, under excuse that it protects during sandstorms.  However, under Dubai law, breathing mask is same as muzzle you put on noisy dogs, so technically it means that all workers only have rights of animals!  Which is to say, no rights at all!

Is just common sense, no?

A snowman reviews an organically grown carrot

SnowmanUs snow blokes aren’t usually around for very long, so we have to make do with what we have. I once watched a nature documentary about a species of giant moth who only live for about two days; they hatch, mate furiously with whoever they wake up next to, and then die 48 hours later. Snow people are kind of similar, except we don’t get to participate in socially-acceptable orgies. This is partly because snow vaginas are somewhat thin on the ground, but mostly ‘cos snow penises are, well, thin and carroty.

Talking of carrots, this particular one is a marvellous bit of kit.  Organic veg might be a bit wonky and smelly but the extras tend to make up for that. This one came with a free dead spider in the box and once I pulled the legs off, I was able to use them as a beard. And we all know how the chicks dig a man with a beard, amirite?  The carrot itself has a nice natural brightness to it, one that gives off the impression that I’ve just come back from a sunny holiday somewhere.  And chicks love going on holiday, yeah?

A while back I was asked to test a parsnip.  It was great for camouflaging myself during games of hide and seek, but most people said that it made me look anaemic.  To be honest, our games of hide and seek tend to get rather boring after a while; if you watch a family of snails going out for a picnic, you’ll see that they leave nasty trails behind them and we tend to do the same thing.  We actually have quite a lot in common with snails: an abject fear of salt, for example.

So it’s top marks for organic stuff from me.  Stay tuned for next week’s article where I discuss the pros and cons of Brussels sprouts.

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