Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Tag Archives: spider

Mikhail Gorbachev reviews a hair net

Mikhail-Gorbachev-150x150Greetings, fine Western peoples of the Internet.  For birthday last year I receive modem of 56k to access and surfs websites of glorious information.  Since then, I have had much fun reading emails from comrades all over the globals.  My most favourite email so far was one of Kylie Minogue doing dance in her underwear and stockings!  It take me three days to download and I can only watch it when wife is in bed, but is worth every penny of large phone bill.  Kylie has nice bottom and does good locomotions, yes?  I think she could be ballet dancer one day, or maybe expensive stripper.  I don’t know, choice be up to her.

Anyway, wife saw me browsing Internet other day and ask me to buy her nice gift.  I say okay and decide to buy hair net.  I love wife dearly, she make best boiled potatoes and pickled cabbage in all of Soviet.  Hair net arrive today and now I open box.  Hmmm, seems website sent me two instead of one.  Must be because modem disconnect whilst I place order and ended up going through twice.  Oh well, mean I have one to practice with before using properly.  I take it out of box and AAARGH!  It look like spider web!  I not like spiders much, they always fall in mouth when I snores at night.  I take quick shot of vodka to calm my nerves before continue.

Right, so what hair net for then?  At first I thinking maybe for keeping spare hair, so can make wig when old and baldy but net have big holes that hair would fall out of.  Maybe it for catching stray hairs blowing in wind, like butterfly net is.  Thing is, hair net have no handle included in box so that mean have to make own one out of sticks.  Only stick I have is for punishing children when they no go up blocked chimney to clear blockage.  Perhaps it like fishing net, and I need to leave it out on pavement to trap passing hairs.  I hope no-one steal it during night, as post and packing is expense on Internet.

Now I think about, wife have hairy under arms so maybe be good for that.  Hopefully it stop spiders too.

A snowman reviews an organically grown carrot

SnowmanUs snow blokes aren’t usually around for very long, so we have to make do with what we have. I once watched a nature documentary about a species of giant moth who only live for about two days; they hatch, mate furiously with whoever they wake up next to, and then die 48 hours later. Snow people are kind of similar, except we don’t get to participate in socially-acceptable orgies. This is partly because snow vaginas are somewhat thin on the ground, but mostly ‘cos snow penises are, well, thin and carroty.

Talking of carrots, this particular one is a marvellous bit of kit.  Organic veg might be a bit wonky and smelly but the extras tend to make up for that. This one came with a free dead spider in the box and once I pulled the legs off, I was able to use them as a beard. And we all know how the chicks dig a man with a beard, amirite?  The carrot itself has a nice natural brightness to it, one that gives off the impression that I’ve just come back from a sunny holiday somewhere.  And chicks love going on holiday, yeah?

A while back I was asked to test a parsnip.  It was great for camouflaging myself during games of hide and seek, but most people said that it made me look anaemic.  To be honest, our games of hide and seek tend to get rather boring after a while; if you watch a family of snails going out for a picnic, you’ll see that they leave nasty trails behind them and we tend to do the same thing.  We actually have quite a lot in common with snails: an abject fear of salt, for example.

So it’s top marks for organic stuff from me.  Stay tuned for next week’s article where I discuss the pros and cons of Brussels sprouts.

David Cameron reviews a slice of ham

Hello there fellow compatriDavid Cameronots, D-Cam here! Or ‘Wazzock Chops’ as they used to call me back in my days at Eton Posh Boarding School for Posh Boys. So then, ham… I’ve never actually seen a slice of ham before so this is all very exciting and new for me. However, I do know that the common British peasant loves the stuff and I’m beginning to see why – just the sound of it is an inspiring bit of joyousness: ham, spam, spim, spom, bam. See? It just rolls off the tongue! It’s a perfect word and I can imagine someone using it to name their dog or even their favourite handkerchief. It even works as an insult. “No Smythe, you can’t go on the top bunk again! Sometimes you’re a real ham!”

Okay, let’s open the packet up. I’ll use a pair of tweezers just in case there’s a tropical spider trapped inside. Easy does it and… by golly! There’s SIX GOSHING SLICES OF THE STUFF! How did that happen? Has it mutated en route? Has it managed to breed with itself? It must be French as they’re bloody mad about having sex with themselves over there. I remember back in Eton there was a French chap who did it all the time and he had a torrid time at the hands of the prefects I tell you. They were always waking him up in the middle of the night to strip off his clothes and force him to do press ups in the middle of the courtyard. Still, it was all part of the character building. I thought it was a bit harsh when they threw his clothes into the river, but the one time I stuck up for him they threatened to revoke my midnight feast privileges; after earning the right to stockpile the red Fruit Pastilles there was no way was I going to let some Froggy rotter get in the way of that.

Right, the ham. Well, it’s kind of floppy and doesn’t seem to be doing anything at the moment. Most things that run on electricity come with a pre-fitted plug but I can’t find a lead of any kind in the packet. Hmm, it sits kind of nicely on my head actually. It’s nice and cool which would be good for a hot summers day. Ah, of course! That’s why there’s so many in each pack! You put one on your head and then another in your glass of Pimms to keep it cool as you lounge around on the sun deck.

Well, it’s top marks for ham from me. Join me next week as I uncover the exotic secrets of paperclips.

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